Turns Out, Jay Cutler Started Packers Defense in Fantasy League
Coming off a horrific 23-10 loss to the Green Bay Packers Thursday night, a surprisingly jubilant Jay Cutler reveled that he started the Green Bay Packer defense in his fantasy league, “Midway Madness”
“Yeah. I cleaned up last night,”Cutler smiled Friday morning. “Did you see the Pack out there? FOUR interceptions, not to mention seven sacks, and a fumble recovered. My team’s up twenty-seven to nothing, and it’s not even Sunday yet. Boom.”
Cutler’s team, “Emo’mentum,” was playing against his arch rival, “The Biebernauts,” owned by 16-year-old Connor Finnegin of Terre Haute, IN. Finnegin’s team has won its fantasy division two years straight, keeping Cutler’s pretend squad from making the playoffs, a trend Cutler has vowed to reverse this season.
“There’s no way I’m letting that (expletive)ing Connor kid beat me this year,” Cutler vowed, while happily reviewing game film of the previous night’s contest. “I’ve already IM’ed him three times today talking smack. Told him his little bitch ass is mine now. He must’ve run crying to his parents like a little wuss, because then I get an email from his mom telling me to leave her son alone or she’s reporting me to Yahoo. Typical.”
While Cutler has struggled with fantasy decisions in the past, he boasted Friday that this particular choice is one in which he never wavered.
“Oh yeah, I knew drafting Green Bay in round eight was a bargain for me. Everyone else said that the Eagles were ranked higher, but I just have a feeling that this is gonna be the Packers’ year. I’m winning that two hundred buck league prize this year for sure”
- Mathematically Challenged Matt Stafford Vows To Give “1.10%” Against Packers
- Roger Goodell: “I’m Proud To Announce That No NFL Players Have Committed Any Despicable Crimes In, Like, 48 Hours Now”
- PFM EXTRA: NFL Stars As “Simpsons” Characters
- NFL Introduces New “Injury-Proof” Inflatable Uniforms To Keep QBs Safe