Tony Romo’s Cap: “Turn Me The Fuck Around”
TURN ME THE FUCK AROUND. NOW.
I mean, what are you, twelve? What kind of grown man walks around in public wearing a baseball cap turned backwards, much less does it on national TV for millions of people to see? Haven’t you embarrassed yourself enough already? You’ve dropped an easy field goal snap in the playoffs, dated an incredibly dumb (albeit hot-at-the-time) pop singer, and thrown I don’t know how many game losing interceptions. You really want to walk around with that kind of shame hanging around your neck AND a backwards cap on your head? Seriously?
Well you know what? This isn’t about you anymore. It’s about me. See, I was once a perfectly happy piece of headwear, hanging on a rack in Lidz at the mall with all my friends. One hundred percent cotton, self fabric adjustable closure in back, embroidered team logo. Everything a proud cap could ask for. Then you picked me out that one fine afternoon, and you know what I thought? I thought, “Okay, this might not be so bad. Sitting on the head of a relatively world-famous athlete could be kind of cool. I’ll travel the world, see lots of celebrities, get some TV exposure and…hey. Hey, what are you doing? Are you putting me on backwards? Why? Stop that!” THAT’S what I thought.
Look, I’ve got news for you Romo: This isn’t 1989, and you’re not Vanilla Ice, so TURN ME THE FUCK AROUND. And while you’re at it, wipe that goofy aw-shucks grin off your face, quit forcing the ball into double coverage, and see if you can actually win a few games in December this year.
And when Andrea Kramer or Suzy Kolber or whoever else calls you over for a post-game interview, goddammit, make sure I’m pointing FORWARD. I cannot emphasize this enough.