Tom Brady: “I Think The Colts Are Going To Beat Us This Weekend. Let Me Tell You Why”

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Updated: January 8, 2014

TOM BRADY SHORT HAIR

HAHAHAHA. SUCKER!  Did you see this headline and think to yourself, “Gosh, Tom Brady actually thinks his mighty New England Patriots are going to fall to the lowly Colts in the playoffs? I better click this link to see why that handsome god of a man has lost faith in his team.” WHAT ARE YOU, AN IDIOT? THAT’S WHAT’S CALLED “CLICKBAIT,” STUPID. TRUST ME, WE’RE GOING TO CASTRATE THOSE HAPLESS COLTS BY AT LEAST 40 OR 50 POINTS ON SATURDAY.

 

Do you want to know all the reasons why we’re going to win? Okay here goes: We have me, Tom Brady, at quarterback. THIS CONCLUDES THE LIST OF REASONS. EVERYTHING AFTER THAT IS IRRELEVANT.

 

“But Mr. Brady, what about their defense?” you might be asking. “Will your adequate-at-best receivers be able to locate the soft spots in their base 3-4 zone scheme? Will your patchwork o-line contain 2013 NFL sack leader Robert Mathis? NEWS FLASH POINDEXTER: NONE OF THAT SHIT MATTERS.

 

You wanna know how I started our weekly two hour offensive strategy session on Monday? I stood up and said, “Fellas, the Colts so-called ‘defense’ gave up 44 points last week to Kansas City. Yes, that’s right, to ALEX SMITH. Captain Bus Driver himself actually had 4 TDs, and trust me that guy throws a football worse than an epileptic baboon with an inner ear infection. So I think we can skip the rest of the offensive meetings for this week. Now who’s down for some MarioKart on the Wii?”

 

“Yes of course, that makes perfect sense Mr. Brady,” you’re saying. “But how about the Colts offense? Will your defensive teammates be able to contain Andrew Luck and company?” WHAT AN IDIOTIC QUESTION. WHY SHOULD I CARE WHAT OUR DEFENSE DOES?

 

I’ll let you in on a little secret, DumDum. I can’t even name one member of our defense. Not one! That’s how little of a shit I give. All I know is that we had a fat one, and he was good, but he’s out for the year, and that the rest of them all suck ass.

 

But it doesn’t matter! I look at our defense as a fun little roll of the die each week to tell me how many points I need to score. “Oh, we let the Texans put up 31 points on us? No problem, I’ll just score 34.” “What’s that? We only gave up 7 to the Jets? Cool, that means I only need to give us 10. No biggie.” If Indy lights us up for 83 points on Saturday, just watch me calmly and coolly throw my twelfth touchdown of the game to score point #84 right as the clock hits double zeros. Hey, they don’t call me “Tommy Drama” for nothing you know.

 

Oh yeah? WELL THEN THEY SHOULD CALL ME THAT, SMART ASS. On account of how I make every game such a thrilling spectacle to watch, and all.

 

Anyway, what else do the Colts have? Quarterback Andrew Luck? PLEASE. More like quarterback Andrew SCHMUCK, am I right?

 

(Hee hee. “Andrew Schmuck.” I just thought of that right now. New rule: no one gets to use that unless they credit me. I own that now.)

 

So what can we expect to see from Schmuck this weekend? Well, I expect him to get shut the fuck down that’s what. Yes, even by our shitty ass defense. Know why? ‘Cause I just checked weather.com, and IT’S GONNA RAIN, BITCHES. It’s safe to say that bearded bumblefuck isn’t used to throwing a ball outside of his warm, comfy sissydome. Trust me, as soon as the clouds open up and start dumping cold Boston showers on his ugly blue uniform, he’ll shrivel up like Aaron Rodgers’ ballsack after a Ndamukong Suh nutstomp.

 

And what about the rest of their offense? DON’T KNOW DON’T CARE. I think they traded for Jamal Lewis or someone during the season, but beyond that I couldn’t name one player on their offense if Eli Manning’s life depended it. ESPECIALLY if Eli Manning’s life depended on it.

 

So there you have it: in-depth, flawless, scientific analysis that proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Colts suck enormous donkey dick and that we will be erasing their names from the list of playoff teams this weekend while barely breaking the lightest of sweats. So enjoy watching us win on Saturday, but while you do, remember that I’m richer than you, better looking than you, wear nicer clothes than you, and have more sex than you do. If I wanted to steal your girlfriend, I could do it in 30 seconds flat, and ladies, if I wanted to steal your boyfriend I could probably do it in half that time. So know your place, and quit it with all the stupid questions, is all I’m saying.

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308 Comments

  1. True Pats Fan

    February 25, 2014 at 1:56 pm

    To anyone who thinks that Pats fans are like this:
    No, we’re not. At least, I’m not. The only people I brag to about the Pats are the people who I’m friends with and made friendly bets with. What really pisses me off, though, is the fact that everyone brings up Spygate and that we can’t win without it.

    The Browns haven’t made it to the AFC Championship 3 years in a row, we have…Spygate doesn’t matter anymore. 7 years is a long time.

    Sorry about the Browns sentence. That was hypocritical.

  2. Darth Anonymous

    January 20, 2014 at 5:22 pm

    I own Disney young Skywalker and if I tell them to kill you within the first 10 minutes they’ll do within 9 for fear of doing it one second late!

  3. Cade Skywalker

    January 20, 2014 at 4:26 pm

    Disney sent me back in time to make it so that they could acquire Lucasfilms. So now the past I just mentioned never happened unless Disney lets it happen in the new universe we’ve created.

  4. Darth Anonymous

    January 17, 2014 at 10:14 am

    Johnny Manziel, your future is as bleak as RG3’s present. Maybe worse since Cleveland will be your new home.

  5. Johnny Manziel

    January 15, 2014 at 5:27 pm

    Nah brah I’m soon going to be bangin’ Jay Cutler’s mom just like all the NFL quarterbacks!

  6. Jameis Winston

    January 14, 2014 at 6:36 pm

    Wha…..? One moment I was with this girl, and now I’m getting this trophy and….Johnny? Is that you? I thought you were hittin chicks up in College station?

  7. Bill Belichick

    January 13, 2014 at 5:53 pm

    Shut up, Cade Skywalker! Or, should I call you, Jameis Winston! It’s not yet your turn! You don’t come in until a few seasons or so! Wait your turn!

  8. Cade Skywalker

    January 13, 2014 at 4:54 pm

    News flash: The Rule of Two died with Darth Caedus. Darth Krayt followed in the footsteps of Darth Khan and set up a Rule of One. One master. And I killed him.

  9. Bill Belichick

    January 13, 2014 at 3:11 pm

    The Rule of Two has been in Sith Lore since the Sith almost destroyed themselves! But, one Sith survived: Darth Bane – also known in the NFL universe as Darth Brown! With his apprentice, Darth Graham, they brought a despotic peace that lasted many years! Darth Brady and I will become even greater than them, even greater than Darth Lombardi and Darth Parcells!

  10. Bill Belichick

    January 13, 2014 at 3:07 pm

    The Dark Side flows naturally through you, Darth Anonymous! I can FEEL your ANGER! Give in to your hatred, and supplant Darth Brady, and join me by my side! Only then, when you defeat Darth Brady, can you even THINK of replacing me! Show me your worth, or be destroyed! Only two, the Sith will be!

  11. Darth Anonymous

    January 13, 2014 at 11:00 am

    Apprentice? HA! Princess Brady has been your apprentice for 12 years and has not even come close to being a Padawan Sith. I never had a master as stated before. My powers grow naturally.

    Flacco, just because you were my pawn does not make you “Elite”. Your role ended at the end of last year’s AFC championship.

  12. Bill Belichick

    January 13, 2014 at 10:32 am

    Darth Anonymous, how unfortunate, that you are attempting to deceive me. You have become … a RIVAL! Remember the first and only reality of the Sith. There can only be two. And you are no longer my apprentice. You have been REPLACED!

  13. Joe Flacco

    January 13, 2014 at 10:31 am

    Fuck you all I AM and Elite QB I WON the superbowl last year AND I was the superbowl MVP.

  14. AFC Championship Game

    January 13, 2014 at 10:21 am

    Now the AFC championship game is set up like it should have been last year Brady vs. Manning but a stupid non elite qb named Flacco and a murderer ruined it.

  15. Darth Anonymous

    January 13, 2014 at 10:07 am

    I am now Darth Anonymous and you Geno Smith will forever be irrelevant in the world of NFL Quarterbacks. I’m coming for you Belichick. My prophecies are a perfect 18-0 and the prophecy for you this year is another failure…either to Jedi Forehead Manning or the victor of the NFC Academy. The prophecies aren’t always clear but the end results are always spot on.

  16. Alex Smith

    January 13, 2014 at 9:07 am

    ‘sup?

  17. Geno Smith

    January 13, 2014 at 6:17 am

    Who let theanonymous people in? Was it you, Cooper?

  18. Anonymous

    January 13, 2014 at 4:03 am

    Just a normal comment passing through

  19. Phillip Rivers

    January 13, 2014 at 1:06 am

    And to top it off, Brady said the day bolos become fashionable is the day Flacco becomes elite

  20. Phillip Rivers

    January 13, 2014 at 1:01 am

    THAT’S NOT FAIR! The Broncos cheated we should’ve won! Why couldn’t my dipshit of a center snap the ball faster?

  21. Eddie Royal

    January 12, 2014 at 10:42 pm

    I should of stayed a bronco…

  22. Jay Cutler

    January 12, 2014 at 9:29 pm

    Correction: YOU are just LIKE WOMEN! On account that you like pink bubbly baths, and prefer sausages over tacos.

  23. Aaron Rodgers

    January 12, 2014 at 5:27 pm

    OH SHUT UP CUTLER! I SAID I DON’T CARE ABOUT BRADY, I LIKE WOMEN!!!!!

  24. Jay Cutler

    January 12, 2014 at 5:03 pm

    Why are we not surprised, Aaron Rodgers? And please, Tom Brady, don’t spare ANY details. I’m sure your Dark Side powers would make for “electric” lovemaking.

  25. Aaron Rodgers

    January 12, 2014 at 4:13 pm

    Not that I particularly care, Brady

  26. Tom Brady

    January 12, 2014 at 3:45 pm

    All right, let’s not spill too much before our Facebook convo! Check back Monday for deets on my steamy night with Luck’s gymnast girlfriend!

  27. God

    January 12, 2014 at 3:26 pm

    Which is why I’ve been constantly prolonging his death. After all, I am a Giants fan first and foremost.

  28. Devil

    January 12, 2014 at 3:25 pm

    It’s true, once he croaks, the Jets will win the Super Bowl.

  29. Joe Namath

    January 12, 2014 at 3:23 pm

    Take it from me, kid, the only way that you can make good on a guarantee is if you sell your soul to the devil. How do you think I won Super Bowl III?

  30. Geno Smith

    January 12, 2014 at 3:22 pm

    Well, looks like that guarantee went bust. Goddamn you, Luck!

  31. Cleveland Indians

    January 12, 2014 at 3:14 pm

    Fuck!

  32. Miami Marlins

    January 12, 2014 at 3:14 pm

    Tough tits, Indians, we already live here.

  33. Cleveland Indians

    January 12, 2014 at 3:13 pm

    Take us with you too! Now we see why Rachel Phelps wanted to move us to Miami!

  34. Kyrie Irving

    January 12, 2014 at 2:36 pm

    Take me with you LeBron! Now I know why you went to Miami. Somebody, ANYBODY! Please save me from this Cleveland hellhole!

  35. LeBron James

    January 12, 2014 at 2:12 pm

    You got potential kid. Join me and we’ll be complaining to refs and winning champiomships for years to come

  36. Colin Kaepernick

    January 12, 2014 at 2:09 pm

    Hahaha, tough tit-tay Newton. Hey, that was a nice flop you pulled there. Maybe you can sign a contract with the Heat

  37. Cam Newton

    January 12, 2014 at 1:14 pm

    Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Colin you rat fink bastard, tattooed piece of shit!

  38. Drew Brees

    January 12, 2014 at 1:11 pm

    Holy fuck. So the earthquake and everything? I need a drink.

  39. Marshawn Lynch

    January 12, 2014 at 12:07 pm

    BEAST MODE CHOOSE TO FIGHT WITH THE JEDI AS OPPOSED TO PUNY BELICHICK BECAUSE BEAST MODE KNOW RUSSELL WILSON NEVER TURN BACK ON SEATTLE FANS. BEAST MODE GIVE PUNY BELICHICK MIDDLE FINGER SALUTE.

  40. Russell Wilson

    January 12, 2014 at 12:02 pm

    Yeah Brees, it happened.

  41. Drew Brees

    January 12, 2014 at 10:24 am

    Holy shit guys. Okay, pro tip: never chug three bottles of NyQuil before a game. I was so wasted I thought Seattle won and it rained skittles. And when I woke up this morning I had the absolute worst hangover.

  42. LeGarrette Blount

    January 12, 2014 at 10:16 am

    All hail Belichick, our dark lord and master.

  43. Bill Belichick

    January 12, 2014 at 9:56 am

    Beast Mode, turn to the Dark Side and fulfill your destiny as SuperBowl Champ! Only through the Dark Side can you fulfill your destiny and defeat Darth Brady! Remember what the Dark Side did to our no-name running back yesterday! 6 Touchdowns! Think what the Dark Side can do for you, Master Beast Mode!

  44. Marshawn Lynch

    January 12, 2014 at 5:11 am

    BEAST MODE LEGEND GROW LAST NIGHT AGAINST PUNY SAINTS, RUN FOR TWO TOUCHDOWNS, CAUSE TWO EARTHQUAKES THAT REGISTER ON RICHTER SCALE AS WELL AS SKITTLES SHOWER. TASTE THE RAINBOW, MOTHERFUCKERS.

  45. Marshawn Lynch

    January 12, 2014 at 5:07 am

    BEAST MODE, MOTHERFUCKERS!

  46. Andrew Luck

    January 12, 2014 at 5:06 am

    Mr. Brady, I just want to congratulate you for a great game and I want to say it was an honor competing against you on your home field. I wish you the best of luck next week against Denver or San Diego.

  47. Ray Lewis

    January 12, 2014 at 1:14 am

    That man wanted to get stabbed! Allegedly. Look at how he was dressed and how he acted. How dare he occupy a space near me. I just did the reasonable thing and stabbed him. Allegedly. Double jeopardy, I know my rights! You want the truth? You can’t handle the truth!

  48. Tom Brady

    January 12, 2014 at 12:58 am

    You’re one to talk, Stabby!

  49. Ray Lewis

    January 12, 2014 at 12:49 am

    I’m talking to you, Winston. Obviously Ben is serenaded to bed every night by his two Super Bowl rings. just like myself, Ell Manning, 2/3 of Brady and Brees and another clone of Brees.

  50. Ray Lewis

    January 12, 2014 at 12:45 am

    Ugh, you alleged rapist disgust me. I swear, the way you forcefully violate another human being. How can you live with yourselves after something like that?

  51. Ben Roethlisberger

    January 12, 2014 at 12:33 am

    I taught you well kid

  52. Jameis Winston

    January 12, 2014 at 12:32 am

    Allegedly, right Ben?

  53. Devil

    January 12, 2014 at 12:31 am

    Roll Tide, mother fuckers. Saban reminds me of a young me. That cocky son of a bitch.

  54. God

    January 12, 2014 at 12:29 am

    Sorry Cam, I need the Niners to win so I can see a Harbaugh-Caroll fight. Those are the best!

  55. Ben Roethlisberger

    January 12, 2014 at 12:28 am

    THE ONLY TIP I GIVE IS “JUST THE”. AND BY THE, I MEAN MY PENIS. AND I’M GIVING IT TO DRUNK GIRLS. NON CONSENSUALLY.

  56. Cam Newton

    January 12, 2014 at 12:27 am

    God, will the Panthers win tomorrow?

  57. God

    January 12, 2014 at 12:26 am

    That was all me. The Devil’s an Alabama fan

  58. Nick Marshall

    January 12, 2014 at 12:24 am

    Hey, fuck you Kaeperbitch! And Wiston, nice job getting tips from Roethlisberger!

  59. Devil

    January 12, 2014 at 12:23 am

    Says here he traded his soul for “A super bitchin’ convertible in the 80’s.” Nothing in our records about a football team.

  60. Jameis Wiston

    January 12, 2014 at 12:21 am

    I can confirm this.

  61. Colin Kaepernick

    January 12, 2014 at 12:19 am

    After we’re done kicking your ass, you’ll be more incompetent to throw a ball than Nick Marshall

  62. Devil

    January 12, 2014 at 12:19 am

    I don’t have anything in my records, let me check the file room. Be back in 10 minutes.

  63. Colin Kaepernick

    January 12, 2014 at 12:12 am

    And that Guz Malhazn must have signed a deal with the devil or something to bring your lucky ass team to the title gane.

  64. Carolina Fans

    January 12, 2014 at 12:09 am

    … you might have the readin and writin part right.

  65. Colin Kaepernick

    January 12, 2014 at 12:09 am

    You know your alma mater (and when I mean by alma mater is the school who gave you the most money) blew the title game against Florida State right?

  66. Carolina Fans

    January 12, 2014 at 12:07 am

    who are you calling pathetic, Colin Ducks on dick?

  67. Cam Newton

    January 12, 2014 at 12:06 am

    No, turtle lover. Cause I got the Auburn magic that will propel us straight into the Super Bowl!

  68. Colin Kaepernick

    January 12, 2014 at 12:03 am

    Shut your bitch ass up, Newton! That win against us was bullshit and you know it! You’ll be lucky to 10 points against our defense in front of your pathetic, illiterate fans!

  69. Drew Brees

    January 12, 2014 at 12:00 am

    Cam, I give you my blessing. *Please God, if you’re listening, let every other starter and backup quarterbacks fall down some stairs and break both their legs…. except Romo… make him fall twice*

  70. Cam Newton

    January 11, 2014 at 11:56 pm

    Hey Drew, just making sure you’ll see the NFC South champs Panthers cockwhip Colin Eat-a-Dick and the rest of his pathetic 49ers tomorrow!

  71. Drew Brees

    January 11, 2014 at 11:45 pm

    Heh heh heh. Totally worth it. Don’t worry, Tony. Just forward any fees to my house. And send a video to Bradford. I’m sure he gets off to something that vaguely resembles you beating Matt Ryan to within an inch of his life while his family watches. And make sure you get that new puppy I got him in frame. I’m sure he’ll enjoy the fresh trauma. Think of it as early birthday presents you sick sons of bitches

  72. Tony Gonzalez

    January 11, 2014 at 11:45 pm

    Now keep still, I want to use my brass knuckles to punch your rat face silly.

  73. Tony Gonzalez

    January 11, 2014 at 11:42 pm

    And I was suppose to win a Super Bowl ring this year, yet here we are.

  74. Matt Ryan

    January 11, 2014 at 11:39 pm

    TONY NO! YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE 100 FEET AWAY FROM ME!

  75. Drew Brees

    January 11, 2014 at 11:35 pm

    Too bad are bloopers are better than most of your “highlights”. Tony! Matt’s hiding in here! Quick before he runs out!

  76. Matt Ryan

    January 11, 2014 at 11:35 pm

    I would laugh, but Tony broke my jaw…and dislocated my shoulder…and bit my ear off…and crushed 3 of my fingers.

  77. Matt Ryan

    January 11, 2014 at 11:32 pm

    Well I thought it was hilarious that the Saints picked the right game to start their blooper reel.

  78. Tim Tebow

    January 11, 2014 at 11:29 pm

    Sorry about my last comment, I’m a bit off with my replies

  79. Tim Tebow

    January 11, 2014 at 11:28 pm

    Then I applied for the AFL, but they said they didn’t want to lose their credibility

  80. Drew Brees

    January 11, 2014 at 11:27 pm

    Hey! Leave Colston alone! We had a locker room bet that he couldn’t throw a worse pass than Tannehill, long story short, everybody alive owes him 40 bucks.

  81. Colin Kaepernick

    January 11, 2014 at 11:24 pm

    Well Colin, it was my last option. I tried playing for Florida again, but they said they weren’t that desperate.

  82. Colin Kaepernick

    January 11, 2014 at 11:17 pm

    Tebow, how’s ESPN so far?

  83. Philip Rivers

    January 11, 2014 at 9:36 pm

    And just so you know, bolos are going to be the next fashion craze!

  84. Philip Rivers

    January 11, 2014 at 9:34 pm

    Yep. Colston, did you take a quarterback class taught by Tebow?

  85. Marques Colston

    January 11, 2014 at 9:21 pm

    Philip Rivers? The bolo tie wearing quarterback for the San Diego Chargers who so miraculously squeaked into the playoffs and then destroyed the Cincinnati Bengals who were led by the witless ginger Andy Dalton and now have to face Peyton Manning and the Broncos?

  86. Philip Rivers

    January 11, 2014 at 9:05 pm

    Marques Colston? The Saints receiver who blew the Saints’ chance of going into OT with an illegal forward pass?

  87. Marques Colston

    January 11, 2014 at 7:42 pm

    ‘Sup?

  88. Tom Brady

    January 11, 2014 at 7:35 pm

    Russell Wilson, the last time a Seahawks quarterback made a boast similar to yours, he said after winning the overtime coin toss, “we want the ball and we’re going to score”. We all know how that turned out.

  89. Sam Bradford

    January 11, 2014 at 7:30 pm

    Did someone mention something of a gay masochist? I felt a disturbance in The Force!

  90. Russell Wilson

    January 11, 2014 at 6:43 pm

    Ha! All you pussies whining and shit. Everything you guys say is irrelevant because I am going to lead the SEAHAWKS to a super bowl victory!

  91. Anonymous

    January 11, 2014 at 5:09 pm

    So Brady you’re not only gay for Peyton but you get off recalling the matchup in which he defeated you. You’re a gay masochist. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

  92. Ben Roethlisberger

    January 11, 2014 at 1:54 pm

    SMITH’S LINE IS IRONIC BECAUSE HE HAS ALWAYS PLAYED FOR A TEAM THAT HAS A GOOD DEFENSE AND AN AWESOME RUNNING GAME, YOU SEE.

  93. Alex Smith

    January 11, 2014 at 1:50 pm

    How the FUCK did we let those blue fuckers beat us??? I threw for FOUR touchdowns, for crying out loud! I guess next season I will just have to do what I have done my entire career: win games despite having a shitty defense and a non existent running game.

  94. Ben Roethlisberger

    January 11, 2014 at 10:47 am

    BECAUSE WE’RE REFERENCING LINES FROM BATTLEFIELD EARTH, YOU SEE!!!

  95. Ben Roethlisberger

    January 11, 2014 at 8:49 am

    While you were still learning to SPELL YOUR NAME!!! I was winning Super Bowls for the Steelers!

  96. Eli Manning

    January 11, 2014 at 7:02 am

    And it was just like that the Old Republic won his last fight. And then I lead the rebels to destroy the empire.

  97. Tom Brady

    January 11, 2014 at 4:45 am

    I only shouted “Peytoooonnnnn!” after the 2006 AFC championship. The conversation went like this:

    Belichick: Lord Uggs Vader, can you hear me?
    Brady: Yes, master. Where is our lead? Is it … safe? Is it alright? We were up 21-3.
    Belichick: I’m afraid … With our mistakes, Peyton KILLED her.
    Brady: WHAT? He couldn’t have! We were going to the SuperBowl, I FELT IT!
    (No-name Patriots staff and equipment being crushed by the Force)
    Brady: PEEEYYYYYYYTTTTOOOOONNN!

  98. Anonymous

    January 11, 2014 at 1:59 am

    We are everywhere Princess Brady. You tried sporting those hideous Uggs to keep us away and it didn’t work. At first they gave us pain …from laughing so hard at the sight of them. We know your secrets. Including the one where you can’t get an erection unless you shout “Peyton”. Is that why give Aaron Rogers so much crap about his alleged homosexuality? To cover up your own.

  99. Tom Brady

    January 10, 2014 at 6:48 pm

    Fuck off, you Anonymous pieces of shit! My coach Darth Belichick hates you idiots! I don’t care if you are Patriots fans, go back to the stands from whence you came! Don’t you know this comment boards are only for NFL QBs?

  100. Chad Henne

    January 10, 2014 at 6:44 pm

    Blaine Gabbert, who let you out of your cage?

  101. Anonymous

    January 10, 2014 at 5:39 pm

    Yeah ^ Boston fans are actually pretty classy, but anyways winning is a little more important than the label jealous rival fans give the fans

  102. Anonymous

    January 10, 2014 at 5:36 pm

    “Patriots fans aren’t humble” lol it’s hard to be humble when you have so much going for you…

  103. Blaine Gabbert

    January 10, 2014 at 5:32 pm

    Good! So I’ll put this mask and nobody will see when I throw this rock at Chad Henne…

    *Throws with closed eyes: J.J. Watt tapped at the line of scrimmage, holds it and returns for touchdown*

  104. Geno Smith

    January 10, 2014 at 3:46 pm

    There are more anonymous people here than at a Guy Fawkes rally.

  105. Bill Belichick

    January 10, 2014 at 1:36 pm

    I found another Anonymous! Die, you Jedi Anonymous scum! The purge of ALL Anonymouses must be complete, in every article!

  106. Ben Roethlisberger

    January 10, 2014 at 12:56 pm

    IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE TOM BRADY IS AN ENORMOUS DOUCHEBAG WHO THINKS HE’S BETTER THAN EVERYONE, EVEN THOUGH IN THE PAST 10 YEARS, HE’S WON NO SUPER BOWLS TO MY TWO (I’M ALSO BEATING HIM IN TIMES ACCUSED OF RAPE)

  107. Anonymous

    January 10, 2014 at 12:20 pm

    This is funny because you see we viewers love the FB conversations so it’s been brought to the comment section to hold us off until Monday…you see.

  108. Mary

    January 10, 2014 at 11:42 am

    Hi Brett.

  109. Brett Favre

    January 10, 2014 at 10:45 am

    Rodgers for the love of god can you please stop asking for pictures of my penis? I’m not buying your story that you want to compare sizes. We all know that you will never make NFL history like I did for most passing touchdowns, yards, and completions. However, you can make history by becoming the first openly gay quarterback to play the game. Good luck.

  110. Philip Rivers

    January 10, 2014 at 7:16 am

    Nobody can last longer than 4 years with Chainsaw Dan. With you involved, RGIII, I say he’s canned at the halfway point in Year 2.

  111. RGIII

    January 10, 2014 at 7:10 am

    I’m setting up a pool to see how long it takes before I drive him out. Anybody want to go for ten weeks?

  112. Philip Rivers

    January 10, 2014 at 6:59 am

    How’s things going with Jay Gruden, RGIII? Hope you don’t kill his career.

  113. RGIII

    January 10, 2014 at 6:08 am

    Who knows, who cares?

  114. Philip Rivers

    January 10, 2014 at 5:06 am

    Sam? Jordan? Who the hell are these fucks?

  115. Jordan

    January 9, 2014 at 10:07 pm

    Why so serious, Sam? Although that game can be pretty fun. Although I’d rather have skippable cut scenes in the third one.

  116. Aaron Rodgers

    January 9, 2014 at 10:05 pm

    I AM Straight! And the ‘stache is awesome

  117. Sam

    January 9, 2014 at 10:04 pm

    I think the comments section hit a new low today.

  118. Jay Cutler

    January 9, 2014 at 9:32 pm

    Next news item in Pro Football Mock: Alternative Universe: Aaron Rodgers A Straight Man, does not look like Freddie Mercury!

  119. Aaron Rodgers

    January 9, 2014 at 9:28 pm

    Thank you, Ben, for agreeing with me! I am a heterosexual man!

  120. Philip Rivers

    January 9, 2014 at 9:26 pm

    Me too, Brees! That Chargers logic sure is something. Chargers logic picked Ryan Leaf over Peyton Manning, and picked me over you! Yup, us Chargers are as smart as Darth Sidious, or should I say, Bill Belichick! All our decisions worked out … in the Alternative Universe!

  121. Ben Roethlisberger

    January 9, 2014 at 9:24 pm

    ITS FUNNY BECAUSE ALL THESE THINGS ARE TRUE!

  122. Drew Brees

    January 9, 2014 at 9:22 pm

    Your logic never ceases to amaze me, Rivers.

  123. Philip Rivers

    January 9, 2014 at 9:21 pm

    Antonio Romo is Tony Room? Now I truly know that this is a satire site! LOLs, saying Tony Romo is Antonio is like saying Clark Kent is really Superman, or that Joe Flacco won a SuperBowl, or that Aaron Rodgers is a heterosexual.

  124. Jay Cutler

    January 9, 2014 at 9:17 pm

    I’ll tell you something that usually doesn’t slide out of women’s twats, Aaron Rodgers. YOUR DICK!

  125. Antonio Romo

    January 9, 2014 at 9:17 pm

    Yes Brees, it’s me. Apparently I’ve been blocked as I can’t post under my real name, well actually I can as my real name is Antonio

  126. Antonio Romo

    January 9, 2014 at 9:15 pm

    Damn!

  127. Philip Rivers

    January 9, 2014 at 9:14 pm

    Antonio Romo? Who are you? Even I don’t know this guy. I can’t give a proper introduction!

  128. Drew Brees

    January 9, 2014 at 9:14 pm

    Nice disguise, Romo, where’s you get it, Sesame Street?

  129. Antonio Romo

    January 9, 2014 at 9:10 pm

    Perhaps if I add the first two letters of my name, no one will recognize me.

  130. Mark Sanchez

    January 9, 2014 at 9:08 pm

    Tony says he doesn’t want to talk to you guys anymore. He says he wants to find new friends. He’s been considering going to North Korea with Dennis Rodman just to get away from you guys.

  131. Aaron Rodgers

    January 9, 2014 at 9:06 pm

    Cutler, we said “Your Mom” not the spawn that happened to haphazardly slide out of her one day. So shut your Super Bowl winless trap.

  132. Mark Sanchez

    January 9, 2014 at 9:06 pm

    Hey guys! Tony Room and Andy Dalton are stuck with me in the Netherworld of The Force!

  133. Drew Brees

    January 9, 2014 at 9:04 pm

    Hey, look who it is, the ginger kinked hose!

  134. Jay Cutler

    January 9, 2014 at 9:03 pm

    Aaron Rodgers, you saying you’re not gay is as trustworthy as Bobby Petrino saying that he will remain with the Falcons.

  135. Andy Dalton

    January 9, 2014 at 9:03 pm

    The Ginger Avenger answers to no man!

  136. Drew Brees

    January 9, 2014 at 9:03 pm

    And you wonder why you failed to win the NFC north when it was more open than Cutler’s mom’s mouth on Valentine’s day.

  137. Matt Stafford

    January 9, 2014 at 9:00 pm

    @DrewBrees… is that a trick question? #failedthislasttime #straightA’s #slightlyconfused

  138. Drew Brees

    January 9, 2014 at 9:00 pm

    Hey, where’s Romo and Dalton? Shouldn’t they be here?

  139. Philip Rivers

    January 9, 2014 at 9:00 pm

    Tony Gonzales? Retired Tight End of the Atlanta Falcons, who could have prevented the collapse of the Kansas City Chiefs had they traded him there where he could have ended his career as a Super Bowl winner with his original team?

  140. Aaron rodgers

    January 9, 2014 at 8:58 pm

    Again… I’m not gay!

  141. Drew Brees

    January 9, 2014 at 8:58 pm

    Stafford, you moron, foes this look like Twitter?

  142. Matt Ryan

    January 9, 2014 at 8:58 pm

    Oh God! Please let me live! It wasn’t my fault! Blame Brees!

  143. Ben Roethlisberger

    January 9, 2014 at 8:57 pm

    BELICHICK IS TALKING ABOUT HIS PENIS, AGAIN!

  144. Matt Stafford

    January 9, 2014 at 8:56 pm

    @Drew_Brees No spoilers! I’m still trying to catch up on netflix #spoilerfree

  145. Tony Gonzalez

    January 9, 2014 at 8:56 pm

    RYAN, I WILL KILL YOU AND FEED YOU TO MY CHILDREN, YOU FLOPPY ARMED FAILURE!!!!

  146. Bill Belichick

    January 9, 2014 at 8:56 pm

    Aaron Rodgers would be impressed with my “lightsabre”. Let’s just say that my “lightsabre” can emit a lot of “electricity”. The Dark Side of The Force can lead to sex moves that some consider to be … Unnatural.

  147. Drew Brees

    January 9, 2014 at 8:54 pm

    Kind of reminds you of King of Thrones, don’t it?

  148. Matt Ryan

    January 9, 2014 at 8:54 pm

    Sorry. I was busy barricading my house from Tony. He’s a little… angry about how this year turned out. Does anyone else hear bricks being ripped out of a wall?

  149. Geno Smith

    January 9, 2014 at 8:52 pm

    This is way more conversation about Belichick’s penis than anyone is comfortable with.

  150. Ben Roethlisberger

    January 9, 2014 at 8:52 pm

    Yep Eli, allegedly. (Wink, wink)

  151. Bill Belichick

    January 9, 2014 at 8:51 pm

    Aaron Rodgers, don’t you know? In Star Wars, it begins with Darth Vader, betrays me, then, after his betrayal, the blast from the Second Death Star mixes up space-time, and in the process goes back in time, where Anakin Skywalker makes it up to me to become Darth Vader? You see, in the end, The Revenge of The Sith erase The Return of The Jedi! And the saga ends as it should be, with I, Bill Belichick, having the biggest penis and ultimate Emperor of the galaxy! Unlimited Power!

  152. Eli Manning

    January 9, 2014 at 8:51 pm

    Allegedly, right Ben? Right?

  153. Drew Brees

    January 9, 2014 at 8:50 pm

    Eat shit Ryan, you’re late too, you know.

  154. Ben Roethlisberger

    January 9, 2014 at 8:49 pm

    Well I can’t put my business out there cause the pretty ladies run and I have to go catch them and have non consensual sex with them! Lucky bastard.

  155. Matt Ryan

    January 9, 2014 at 8:47 pm

    Holy crap! Scar face finally showed up!

  156. Tom Brady

    January 9, 2014 at 8:46 pm

    Ben, I’m not denying it on my part, but you have to stop putting my business out there. People are already at their limits trying to resist me… ladies.

  157. Drew Brees

    January 9, 2014 at 8:46 pm

    Hey, why did you start a convo without me? Was I out with a NyQuil coma?

  158. Bill Belichick

    January 9, 2014 at 8:45 pm

    The loss of Darth Uggs, when it happens, is a necessary loss. But soon, I shall have a NEW apprentice. One younger and more POWERFUL …

  159. Aaron Rodgers

    January 9, 2014 at 8:44 pm

    And Belichick! Good always triumphs in the end! Look at all the classics: Indiana Jones, Superman, Batman, Star… something, I forget. Anyway, evil never wins!

  160. Ben Roethlisberger

    January 9, 2014 at 8:43 pm

    HE’S REFERRING TO THE FACT THAT BOTH BELICHICK AND BRADY HAVE BIG PENISES!

  161. Aaron Rodgers

    January 9, 2014 at 8:43 pm

    Ruling the galaxy grosses Bradford out. Who knew?

  162. Bill Belichick

    January 9, 2014 at 8:42 pm

    Aaron Rodgers, you young fool! Only now, at the very end, do you understand. Everything from Aaron Hernandez’s problems, Wes Welker’s betrayal, and Gronk’s injury … everything is going as I have foreseen!

  163. Sam Bradford

    January 9, 2014 at 8:41 pm

    Join you? Oh god, that’s disgusting! Have you no decency? *Vomit*

  164. Aaron Rodgers

    January 9, 2014 at 8:41 pm

    Isn’t Brady your little saber sidekick?

  165. Tom Brady

    January 9, 2014 at 8:40 pm

    Bradford… I’m going to go ahead and just… vomit. Until can’t anymore. And then I’m going to go to sleep with my 3 super bowl rings and devilishly handsome good looks.

  166. Bill Belichick

    January 9, 2014 at 8:38 pm

    Sam Bradford, your knowledge of the Dark Side and the Kama Sutra are simply astonishing. Join me, and together we can rule the galaxy!

  167. Sam Bradford

    January 9, 2014 at 8:36 pm

    No Brady, I hate having a three way with Geno Smith and your wife in pudding. I’d much rather have it the way I described it.

  168. Aaron Rodgers

    January 9, 2014 at 8:36 pm

    Not gay, Belicheck. Also, no one can control the dark side! Your evil has been your downfall.

  169. Tom Brady

    January 9, 2014 at 8:35 pm

    *Vomits*

  170. Bill Belichick

    January 9, 2014 at 8:34 pm

    Aaron Rodgers who told you about that village in Vietnam? I will personally send my new apprentice, Darth Vader, to “take care of you”. He did kill a whole village of sand people, he can kill your tiny village of Snow People, called Green Bay, Wisconsin. Once more the Patriots will rule the NFL! Then we shall have … peace. I have waited a looking time for this, my little green fag, Aaron Rodgers.

  171. Tom Brady

    January 9, 2014 at 8:34 pm

    But… you hate pudding, Bradford.

  172. Sam Bradford

    January 9, 2014 at 8:33 pm

    That’s mixed with my anal discharge after an all nighter at the Chinese buffet that got a d rating from the board of health, as well as my great aunt’s pus from her open bedsores, and the semen of two gay men who swam naked in a pool of raw sewage and bio hazardous waste.

  173. Deion Sanders

    January 9, 2014 at 8:30 pm

    Can …. WHOAAAA CAAAANNNN! too bad it doesn’t ring as good as TEEEEEBOOOWWW! WHOOAAA-OHHH! TEEE-EEE-BOW! WHOAAA OH!

  174. Sam Bradford

    January 9, 2014 at 8:28 pm

    Oh relax, it’s just chocolate pudding.

  175. Peyton Manning

    January 9, 2014 at 8:22 pm

    Anything but that! ANYTHING BUT THAT!

  176. Aaron Rodgers

    January 9, 2014 at 8:21 pm

    OH GOD NO!

  177. Sam Bradford

    January 9, 2014 at 8:20 pm

    Did someone call for The Party Pooper?

  178. Aaron Rodgers

    January 9, 2014 at 8:14 pm

    No idea. But at least he’s not Belicheck. That guy weirds me the fuck out. He always looks like he just got back from burning down an innocent village in ‘Nam.

  179. Geno Smith

    January 9, 2014 at 8:11 pm

    Oh great, who invited the party pooper?

  180. Roger Goodell

    January 9, 2014 at 8:03 pm

    Hey! Be nice to the other quarterbacks or else I’m issuing a fine!

  181. Colin Kaepernick

    January 9, 2014 at 7:56 pm

    Oh fuck off, Newton, and learn to spell your name!

  182. Can Newton

    January 9, 2014 at 7:53 pm

    Don’t mind if I do.

  183. Colin Kaepernick

    January 9, 2014 at 7:50 pm

    Talk to me when you can beat me, Cheez Whizzer.

  184. Aaron Rodgers

    January 9, 2014 at 7:41 pm

    And I’m NOT gay!

  185. Aaron Rodgers

    January 9, 2014 at 7:41 pm

    You shut your whore mouth Captain Tattoo!

  186. Colin Kaepernick

    January 9, 2014 at 7:39 pm

    Wow, being gay really has mellowed you a bit. Or perhaps that was me last week?

  187. Aaron Rodgers

    January 9, 2014 at 7:34 pm

    WILSON I DESTROY THE VERY CONCEPT OF PEOPLE NAMED RUSSELL AND WILSON YOU GAME STEALING BASTARD! Sorry, Smith. I’ve been kind of tired, what with actually playing in the playoffs and all. You’ll know the feeling in a few years. Maybe. If you’re not Cutler.

  188. Geno Smith

    January 9, 2014 at 7:29 pm

    Um, Rodgers? Shouldn’t you be yelling at Wilson, not doing your best Liam Neeson in Taken impression?

  189. Peyton Manning

    January 9, 2014 at 7:29 pm

    Hey! That’s casting a fairly wide net, Rodgers. How are you going to turn Wilson into every man that was alive in 1983?

  190. Aaron Rodgers

    January 9, 2014 at 7:27 pm

    Wilson, I will destroy everything you once held dear until you are a sad, hollow shell of what once could vaguely be called a man. In other words, I’m going to turn you into Jay Cutler’s nonexistent father

  191. Russell Wilson

    January 9, 2014 at 7:25 pm

    *Ahem* More like “Murders your defense”.

  192. Russell Wilson

    January 9, 2014 at 7:24 pm

    Sorry about that, I had to prep for tomorrow’s playoff game against the Saints.

  193. Aaron Rodgers

    January 9, 2014 at 7:18 pm

    Once again: I, the great and powerful Aaron Rodgers, am not gay! And Henne, you aren’t even a good enough quarterback to mention my name. So fade back into the background with Russell “Murders puppies on his day off” Wilson and Jay “My mom is a whore” Cutler. Also “That guy who hands the ball off to Adrian Peterson”. What was his name? Stafford? No… too stupid looking. Sullivan! That’s it. John Sullivan. Actually I take that back. That guy was alright.

  194. Anonymous

    January 9, 2014 at 7:00 pm

    This has gone on for way to long for it to be mainly jay cutler and Aaron Rodgers without Russell Wilson trolling him

  195. Geno Smith

    January 9, 2014 at 6:48 pm

    Bravo Foles, you just graduated kindergarten. Too bad you failed toilet training because your team SHIT the bed in the playoffs against the Saints…at home nonetheless!

  196. Chad Henne

    January 9, 2014 at 6:45 pm

    Hey Hoyer, at least I lasted longer than you did this year. And are you saying that you are? Cause the way that you denied it, you’d think that Rodgers was your lover.

  197. Nick Foles

    January 9, 2014 at 6:43 pm

    Just testing you stupid fucks—A Vick reference—after the season I brought to Philly–
    I can spell Chip Kelly—that’s what’s important

  198. Brian Hoyer

    January 9, 2014 at 6:25 pm

    HOYER THE DESTROYER is not gay!

    And is Chad Henne really insulting someone’s quarterbacking skills? Dude isn’t even HIGH SCHOOL CALIBER. YEAH. I WENT THERE.

  199. Geno Smith

    January 9, 2014 at 5:32 pm

    Holy crap Foles, are you stupid AND illiterate? ‘Cause I’m pretty sure Vick started more games in 2012 than you did. And that’s embarrassing if you can’t spell your name?

  200. Nick Fowls

    January 9, 2014 at 5:13 pm

    Was there an actual Michael Vick comment—I took over the team—did you get the memo

  201. Aaron Rodgers

    January 9, 2014 at 4:55 pm

    I’d tell you to ask your mother, but last I checked she was busy “entertaining” Bradford. You may want to get her STD tested the first chance you get.

  202. Ben Roethlisberger

    January 9, 2014 at 4:55 pm

    IT’s FUNNY BECAUSE CATCHING AND PITCHING ARE OTHER WORDS FOR SEXUAL PREFERENCE, AND KAEPERNICK USED TO PLAY BASEBALL IN HIGH SCHOOL!

  203. Colin Kaepernick

    January 9, 2014 at 4:52 pm

    Hey Rodgers, you sure jumped up quickly when someone said gay, Still sure you don’t catch instead of pitch?

  204. Aaron Rodgers

    January 9, 2014 at 4:44 pm

    I’m not gay! Oh, wait… It’s not me. Carry on, Henne.

  205. Chad Henne

    January 9, 2014 at 4:41 pm

    Who the hell is Brian Hoyer? Is that the gay punter for the Vikings?

  206. Geno Smith

    January 9, 2014 at 4:39 pm

    Well excuuuuuuuse me for not having good receivers, and a coordinator who worked with Michael Vick! What’s your excuse, a lineman pushed into another and cost the team the game?

  207. Brian Hoyer

    January 9, 2014 at 4:38 pm

    You’re all just lucky HOYER THE DESTROYER got hurt this year. Whoever wins the Super Bowl better savor the flavor, ’cause y’all gonna be hearing the phrase “HOYER THE DESTROYER PILOTS BROWNS TO YET ANOTHER SUPER BOWL TITLE” a helluva lot over the next ten years!

  208. Tom Brady

    January 9, 2014 at 4:26 pm

    Was that the one where you threw the 80 yd pick six in the 1st quarter? I almost choked on a martini laughing at the floundering duck you called a pass.

  209. Geno Smith

    January 9, 2014 at 4:13 pm

    Coulda sworn it was you, after all, it was the same temper tantrum throwing, same dumbfuck expression while waiting for a high five, same godawful Billy Idol faux hawk. The only thing that WAS different was you threw a pass right into Antonio Allen’s hands instead of Gronkowski’s, and he ran it all the way for a pick six.

  210. Tom Brady

    January 9, 2014 at 4:10 pm

    I don’t recall that game. You must’ve beaten my patented Brady Replacement (TM). Whenever I’m too busy sleeping with supermodels to play a game I just let some random goober wear my jersey and play a game. So Congrats on beating some random guy in a Tom Brady jersey.

  211. Geno Smith

    January 9, 2014 at 3:50 pm

    I think I earned my place at the table when I beat you this year, Brady.

  212. Tom Brady

    January 9, 2014 at 3:20 pm

    Quiet, Geno. The Elite’s… and Flacco, I guess, are talking.

  213. Geno Smith

    January 9, 2014 at 3:16 pm

    Oh how wonderful, the talking vagina finally makes his unwelcome appearance. Took you fucking long enough, Brady!

  214. Archie Manning

    January 9, 2014 at 3:08 pm

    Grow a pair of balls or a throwing arm like Peyton and maybe I’ll throw them an inch closer. Until then, you’ll have your poorly tossed scraps or you’ll have nothing!

  215. Aaron Rodgers

    January 9, 2014 at 3:08 pm

    Eat shit, Brady. Also, I’M NOT GAY!

  216. Tom Brady

    January 9, 2014 at 3:02 pm

    Joe Flacco, your elite-ness is as unquestionable as Aaron Rodger’s straight-ness.

  217. Jay Cutler

    January 9, 2014 at 2:53 pm

    Joe Flacco, you’re as deserving of the status of ELITE as Tony Romo is deserving of the title of CLUTCH!

  218. Cooper Manning

    January 9, 2014 at 2:53 pm

    Please, Dad! Anything but the cage. It’s so cold and dark. And the raccoons… you said you got rid of them, but they still steal the scraps you toss to me. And would you mind tossing those closer to the cage? They always seem to be just out of my reach.

  219. Archie Manning

    January 9, 2014 at 2:51 pm

    Get off of me, Cooper, you unworthy non-NFL playing son! I would rather have Matt Leinart than you! I’ve always wanted a lefty.

  220. Joe Flacco

    January 9, 2014 at 2:51 pm

    I AM elite! I won a Super Bowl! Last Year!

  221. Archie Manning

    January 9, 2014 at 2:47 pm

    Not-Elisha, what are you doing out of your cage? Get back in there!

  222. Jay Cutler

    January 9, 2014 at 2:47 pm

    And play in January in cold weather and get banged up worse than my mom? Sucker, I’m paid great even if I only work four months a year instead of five. The way I see it, winning a Super Bowl doesn’t guarantee elite, so why even bother? Joe Flacco won one, nobody’s saying he’s elite. That’s because he isn’t hahaha! Peyton Manning also won only one, and everybody’s drooling on him worse than Jameis Winston’s “girl” before she got “raped”.

  223. Cooper Manning

    January 9, 2014 at 2:42 pm

    Finally! Recognition! Acceptance! So this is what it feels like to be acknowledged by your father. It feels… like bliss.

  224. Aaron Rodgers

    January 9, 2014 at 2:41 pm

    What would be a manly show, Cutty McPick-Six? Sewing with Nancy? Or are you a bigger fan of Lifetime Original Movies? I’m too busy actually making it to the playoffs to enjoy quality television most years. You should give it a try some time this decade.

  225. Archie Manning

    January 9, 2014 at 2:39 pm

    Elisha, if we added Peyton’s stats to yours, I’d still demote you to Cooper and promote Cooper to your position.

  226. Jay Cutler

    January 9, 2014 at 2:39 pm

    You’d know a lot more about sucking and blowing than Tony Romo, I would imagine, eh, Rodgers?

  227. Jay Cutler

    January 9, 2014 at 2:37 pm

    I’m sure Princess Gay-ron Rodgers doesn’t watch the MANLY shows and instead watches Downton Abbey and My Little Pony! Admit it Rodgers, not only are you gay, you’re also a BRONY! I’m sure you get a hard on after watching Rainbow Dash! Ahahahaha I don’t know what’s worse – being gay or being a brony!

  228. Aaron Rodgers

    January 9, 2014 at 2:37 pm

    I’d rather be a slightly tipsy sorority girl then be even remotely associated with you Geno Smith. Which reminds me,get traded to a team that doesn’t wear green. I’ve got to go with Manziel and that whole Cleveland thing. You two are perfect for each other. You suck, and they blow. See? Perfect.

  229. Eli Manning

    January 9, 2014 at 2:35 pm

    If we add up the stats of all players with the last name Manning, I had a fairly good year, all things considered.

  230. Johnny Manziel

    January 9, 2014 at 2:32 pm

    Oh Manning, I think I can take your bit since “I” actually won a Heisman and didn’t play like a total dumbfuck this year.

  231. Geno Smith

    January 9, 2014 at 2:31 pm

    How dare you insinuate that I’m going to Cleveland, Man-Zit! I’d sooner get in a sauna naked with Aaron Rodgers than spend any time longer than a layover in Cleveland!

  232. Eli Manning

    January 9, 2014 at 2:28 pm

    That’s my thing! Get your own bit, Johnny.

  233. Johnny Manziel

    January 9, 2014 at 2:26 pm

    Not if I sulk like a little crybaby and have my daddy engineer a trade to New York for you, Geno!

  234. Aaron Rodgers

    January 9, 2014 at 2:25 pm

    Choke on a pack of filterless menthol marlboros you apathetic douche dripping! How I Met Your Mother is an awful show. Neil Patrick Harris is much better in smaller doses, like Starship Troopers.

  235. New York Jets Fans

    January 9, 2014 at 2:25 pm

    Forget Geno Smith! Hey Geno, go back to the Netherworld and say hi to Mark Sanchez and tell him we hate him worse than these guys hate Tony Romo! Come on down, Johnny Football! Be our new “Broadway Johnny”! We know you just LOVE US WHEN YOU WORE A JETS JERSEY AT A FRAT PARTY! Oh Johnny Football, please make our dreams come true! We are more gay for you than Aaron Rodgers!

  236. Marshawn Lynch

    January 9, 2014 at 2:24 pm

    BEAST MODE DOES NOT NEED BELICHEAT TO BE ELITE RUNNING BACK. BEAST MODE RATHER STAY IN SEATTLE AND BE JEDI KNIGHT WITH ELITE QUARTERBACK RUSSELL WILSON AND JEDI GHOST MASTER PETE CARROLL!

  237. Geno Smith

    January 9, 2014 at 2:22 pm

    Over my receiver-less body, Man-zit! You’re gonna go to Cleveland!

  238. Jay Cutler

    January 9, 2014 at 2:21 pm

    Oh Aaron Rodgers, why don’t you come out of your pink-covered scented-candles closet right beside Clay Matthew’s Chunky Soup Closet, and embrace who you really are? I heard from my mom that you were as limp as Mark Sanchez’s throws when it was your turn. Oh, and you kept muttering “Reggie White” and “Neil Patrick Harris” to yourself just to get a hard on! That’s how you met my mother!

  239. Johnny Manziel

    January 9, 2014 at 2:20 pm

    Hell no, Quitler, I’m gonna be a jet and displace Geno Smith’s schizophrenic ass!

  240. Aaron Rodgers

    January 9, 2014 at 2:19 pm

    Whoa! Isn’t that going a little overboard? I mean, yeah he’s a douche,but no need to wish that type of evil on anybody. Didn’t Trent Richardson trade all of his skills and ability just to escape that dumpster fire?

  241. Jay Cutler

    January 9, 2014 at 2:16 pm

    And Johnny Football, I hope you’re the next quarterback of the Cleveland Browns! That’s the most evil thing I can imagine!

  242. Aaron Rodgers

    January 9, 2014 at 2:16 pm

    For the last time Jay go-Cut-yourself, I’m not gay! And stop watching me bathe.

  243. Jay Cutler

    January 9, 2014 at 2:10 pm

    I’m sure you’d like me to bow down and suck at something other than quarterbacking, Gay-ron Rodgers, but I don’t swing that way that you do. Not that I give a flying fuck what you do in your personal time, but I don’t do lather baths with other men.

  244. Bill Belichick

    January 9, 2014 at 2:07 pm

    Good, GOOOOOD Beast Mode! The Force is STRONG with you! A powerful Patriot you will become! Henceforth, you shall be called Darth … … BEAST MODE! Rise ….

  245. Aaron Rodgers

    January 9, 2014 at 2:03 pm

    Cutler has a third consecutive “Not NFC North Division Winner” thanks to derp-tacular play at the everything position and total destruction by the mighty Aaron Rodgers! Feel free to bow at the feet of royalty plebes!

  246. Marshawn Lynch

    January 9, 2014 at 1:38 pm

    BEAST MODE CANNOT COMPREHEND PUNY JAY CUTLER LOGIC SO BEAST MODE GIVE MIDDLE FINGER TO CUTLER INSTEAD.

  247. Johnny Manziel

    January 9, 2014 at 1:36 pm

    Hey Cut-tard! At least I have hardware and a mega contract coming my way, what do you have?

  248. Jay Cutler

    January 9, 2014 at 1:36 pm

    And … BEAST MODE: ANSWER IN A FOOTBALL WAY, OR BILL BELICHICK WILL CUT YOUR ASS. IF A TREE FALLS IN THE FOREST, BUT THERE IS NO ONE TO HEAR IT BUT BEARS MANAGEMENT, AND IT’S A FOURTH AND GOAL AT THE ONE YARD LINE BUT THE SEAHAWKS OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR CALLS FOR A RUSSELL WILSON PASS, DO YOU GIVE THE FINGER?

  249. Jay Cutler

    January 9, 2014 at 1:31 pm

    While we do have another four weeks of BORING games that I personally don’t give a flying fuck about (because I get paid no matter if the Bears make it to the playoffs, so why bother with more football, SUCKERS!), we have to think about the incoming class of losers that we will be chatting with. We might soon be chatting with Johnny Football – that piece of shit turd.

  250. Jay Cutler

    January 9, 2014 at 1:28 pm

    Well Beast Mode, you do speak better than fans of DA BEARS! And are probably smarter than Bears Management, on account that I failed to bring them to the playoffs and they still made me stinking rich! Haha .. suckers!

  251. Marshawn Lynch

    January 9, 2014 at 1:12 pm

    BEAST MODE ALSO THINK PUNY TOM BRADY ANDREW SCHMUCK JOKE NOT FUNNY. BIT IS OVERPLAYED AND CHILDISH.

  252. Marshawn Lynch

    January 9, 2014 at 1:08 pm

    BEAST MODE ALSO PONDER QUESTION IF TREE FALLS IN WOOD, DOES TREE MAKE SOUND? BEAST MODE DEBATE ANSWERING IN SCIENTIFIC TERM OR IN PHILOSOPHICAL TERM.

  253. Marshawn Lynch

    January 9, 2014 at 1:06 pm

    BEAST MODE TAKE UMBRAGE AT PUNY JAY CUTLER’S MOCKERY OF BEAST MODE GRAMMAR. BEAST MODE CAN SPEAK ELOQUENTLY AND STILL SOUND LIKE MONGO FROM MEL BROOKS HIT COMEDY BLAZING SADDLES! JAY CUTLER WILL REGRET MAKING FUN OF BEAST MODE. AT LEAST BEAST MODE DOES NOT SOUND LIKE JAMEIS WINSTON OF FLORIDA STATE UNIVERSITY.

  254. Marshawn Lynch

    January 9, 2014 at 1:02 pm

    BEAST MODE MOTHERFUCKERS!

  255. Jay Cutler

    January 9, 2014 at 12:59 pm

    Okay, Andrew Luck, now you’re just breaking the fourth wall, sucking up to the PFM staff. No need to be Anonymous, your nose is as brown and as stinky as the stink palm I gave to Gay-ron Rodgers! MIKE DITKA WOO-HOO!! DA BEARS R DA BEST! WHY AM I TALKING LIKE BEAST MODE?!?

  256. Anonymous

    January 9, 2014 at 12:48 pm

    Yeah, PFM should let the fans have an open forum where they take on the quarterback personalities and have their own fun with them. And it has to have all 32, including Chad Henne and Jake Locker.

  257. Anonymous

    January 9, 2014 at 12:26 pm

    ^^ Oops, I made an error.

    Should be ‘articles on this site *has* people commenting’ not *of*

  258. Anonymous

    January 9, 2014 at 12:25 pm

    I think the fact that most new articles on this site of people commenting as the different QBs is tribute to how awesome the FB convos are. The PFM staff does such a great job on their personalities that everyone is starting to mimic them in the comment sections on other articles. Huge props to you guys. I’m going to miss having those every Monday once the off-season hits.

  259. Geno Smith

    January 9, 2014 at 12:12 pm

    Has anybody thought that perhaps it was Sanchez who did this to me in order to make mee sound as functionally retarded as him?

  260. Aaron Rodgers

    January 9, 2014 at 12:10 pm

    And I thought it was just the Chicago fans that were morons. Clearly playing for them takes a bajillion IQ points away as well.

  261. Jay Cutler

    January 9, 2014 at 11:36 am

    Please, Rodgers. Bears fans know that something as complex as framing you for the assault of Geno Smith would require an intelligent, cunning mind. And, judging from my play this season, I clearly don’t have that. But Josh McCown just might have the intellectual fortitude to pull off this assault and frame-up … I mean, Josh McCown is guilty! MIKE DITKA IS DA BEST COACH EVER! DA BEARS ARE THE BESTEST TEAM IN THE NFL NORTH! DA BEARS!!

  262. Aaron Rodgers

    January 9, 2014 at 11:20 am

    And what exempts you, Cutler!?

  263. Aaron Rodgers

    January 9, 2014 at 10:38 am

    WILSOOOOOOOON!!!!

  264. Jay Cutler

    January 9, 2014 at 10:14 am

    Alright, we can deduce three people in this case. The three suspects would be Ben Roethlisberger, Aaron Rodgers, and the other Sam Bradford. But since Geno Smith isn’t a woman and doesn’t look like a woman, Ben could be left out. Sam Bradford, where were you earlier today? And Aaron Rodgers, that defensive tone makes you the prime suspect. What do you have to say for yourself?

  265. Aaron Rodgers

    January 9, 2014 at 9:37 am

    THAT WASN’T MY SEMEN, GENO, YOU DONATELLO LOOKALIKE. AND IM NOT GAY!!!

  266. Geno Smith

    January 9, 2014 at 9:34 am

    Huh-wha? What the hell happened? One minute I was smacking Brady like my own 20 foot long penis, the next I’m lying on the floor in a pool of blood and Aaron Rodgers’ semen with Sanchez on my computer. Crazy dream.

  267. New York Jets Fans

    January 9, 2014 at 9:26 am

    Geno Smith, snap out of it! You’re becoming more and more like Mark Sanchez by the minute! Even your comments now sound EXACTLY like his! We want Mark Sanchez to stay in the Netherworld and never come back, you can stay for one more year and fix your rookie mistakes!

  268. Ben Roethlisberger

    January 9, 2014 at 8:59 am

    THAT’S BECAUSE OURAN HIGH SCHOOL HOST CLUB IS A REALLY GIRLY ANIME ABOUT SIX HOT GUYS AND A TOMBOYISH GIRL, YOU SEE!!!

  269. Jay Cutler

    January 9, 2014 at 8:57 am

    Admit it, Rodgers. NFL QBs on Facebook is just a real-life interpretation of your Ouran High School Host Club gay fantasies. We have the sexy type – Tom Brady, the bookish type – Andrew Luck, the naughty brothers – Peyton and Eli Manning, the IDGAF type, me, and the boy lolita type – Tim Tebow. We know you’re just GAY for us Aaron!

  270. Aaron Rodgers

    January 9, 2014 at 8:33 am

    GET FUCKED, BUT NOT BY ME, CUTLER!!!

  271. Jay Cutler

    January 9, 2014 at 8:31 am

    I dunno Rodgers … I haven’t met a straight man who enjoys such lavish baths that you do, with all the scented candles and pink bubbles and such. And you seem to enjoy the smell of my ass after I gave you that stink palm.

  272. Aaron Rodgers

    January 9, 2014 at 8:27 am

    FOR THE LAST TIME, I’M NOT GAY, I LOVE WOMEN! I LOVE TITS, VAGINAS, AND ANY OTHER LADY PART, ALTHOUGH I STILL HATE CUTLER AND STAFFORD AND CHRISTIAN PUDDING!

  273. Andrew Luck

    January 9, 2014 at 8:22 am

    To be honest, Mr. Geno Smith, sir, I prefer to let my talking be done on the field. I’m so embarrassed by foul language, I still haven’t forgiven myself for swearing so much to Peyton Manning since the Facebook convo after the Colts defeated the Broncos. Other than that, the most lewd thing I had done in the past few months was having my naked body tweeted by our punter, for which I forgave my punter. Although since that incident, I have noticed getting more texts from Mr. Aaron Rodgers, though I’m sure it’s just a coincidence.

  274. Rimshot

    January 9, 2014 at 8:21 am

    I’m not touching that one.

  275. Geno Smith

    January 9, 2014 at 8:20 am

    Manning’s whole season was a faux pas… Into several cornerback’s hands!!!

  276. Andrew Luck

    January 9, 2014 at 8:16 am

    Oh, forgive me, Mr. Eli Manning, sir. I’m sure you’re a for-sure Hall of Famer. Forgive my faux pas of excluding you in the list.

  277. Geno Smith

    January 9, 2014 at 8:08 am

    Luck, I suggest you take five minutes to pull your nose out of my (and everyone else’s) asshole and focus on emasculating Brady and the Patrishits on Saturday, not that Brady needs to be even more emasculated in the first place, he’s already enough of a little girl.

  278. Geno Smith

    January 9, 2014 at 8:05 am

    Fine Bradford, what fantasy would you have with Gisele Bunchden? I seriously should have my head checked for asking you this.

  279. Andrew Luck

    January 9, 2014 at 7:42 am

    @ifhss I am honored that my comment made you laugh, sir. It is truly an honor to be part of this conversation among Hall of Fame quarterbacks Joe Montana and Terry Bradshaw, as well as future Hall of Famers Tom Brady, Peyton Manning, and Ben Roethlisberger (sorry if I misspelled your name, Ben, even my Stanford education has it’s limits). And don’t worry, Geno Smith. I’m sure that you and I can attain the Hall of Fame too, with practice and determination. Thanks once again. And Ben, I find your comments funny too.

  280. Terry Bradshaw

    January 9, 2014 at 7:18 am

    I have four rings that say otherwise.

  281. Joseph Clifford Montana

    January 9, 2014 at 12:42 am

    I just came by to say one thing, Brady: YOU’LL NEVER WIN YOUR 4TH TITLE. It’s a rule: only truly epic QB’s can win four Super Bowls. And only me achieved “True Epicness”

    Signed,
    Joe “Cool” Montana

  282. Sam Bradford

    January 9, 2014 at 12:16 am

    @Geno smith I am not even that sick. PUDDING!! Ewwww

  283. Geno Smith

    January 8, 2014 at 10:40 pm

    I AM AN INVISIBLE SPIRIT OF THE NETHERWORLD!!!

    I CAN SAY WHATEVER I WANT AND NOBODY WILL CARE!

    I once tried to fart in the huddle, but I ended up shitting my pants.

    When I’m too lazy to blow my nose, I just eat my boogers.

    I like to masturbate thinking about Gisele Bünchden having a three way with me and Sam Bradford in a giant pool of chocolate pudding!

  284. Anonymous

    January 8, 2014 at 8:54 pm

    Pats going all the way f$@$ the haters

  285. Anonymous

    January 8, 2014 at 8:30 pm

    Is some asshole pretending to be a bunch of different quarterbacks and talking to himself? Wait a minute… as I typed that out, I realized that that is the reason I visit this website….

  286. ifhss

    January 8, 2014 at 8:11 pm

    lol philip rivers… are we having the same refs who pushed your sorry ass team into the playoffs? the character comments were great especially the Luck one, and of course the person who kills it with his b-roth comments had to ruin it….

  287. Tom Brady

    January 8, 2014 at 4:47 pm

    Hey Lurch! Assuming you don’t get your ass kicked by Woody from Toy Story, AGAIN! I’ll need you to clear out of your house for a week. I need your wife after I’m done with the Geico Caveman’s wife.

  288. Anonymous

    January 8, 2014 at 2:08 pm

    This just in: Tracy Porter will play cornerback for the Chargers this weekend.

  289. Anonymous

    January 8, 2014 at 2:07 pm

    It’s funny because Brady can’t beat Eli Manning you see.

  290. Peyton Manning

    January 8, 2014 at 1:59 pm

    Bitch – I’m the REAL Peyton Manning!

  291. Tom Brady

    January 8, 2014 at 1:54 pm

    Great, your mouth breathing ass throwing 5 picks with that limp dick of an arm will make my life so much easier! Plus I get to have a threesome with your wife and the kiss ass Caveman’s wife!

  292. Eli Manning

    January 8, 2014 at 1:36 pm

    Brady didn’t you hear? I signed a 1 game contract with the Colts. Guess you won’t win after all

  293. Geno Smith

    January 8, 2014 at 12:48 pm

    Is nobody giving a shit about me, one of the four quarterbacks who beat Brady’s metrosexual ass, or am I dead?

  294. Peyton Fuc_ing Manning

    January 8, 2014 at 10:48 am

    @Phillip Rivers: LOL! Why, are you planning on watching the game on TV?

  295. Hillbilly Bob

    January 8, 2014 at 10:47 am

    I wish the weekend would hurry up and get here already

  296. Peyton Manning

    January 8, 2014 at 10:39 am

    NO PHILIP RIVERS! Everyone, from Roger Goodell to ESPN, knows the craziness that would happen if the AFC Championship was Brady vs Manning XV. And even if Andrew “Geico Neanderthal” Luck pulled off the win and the sex with Giselle, the whole world would now see Peyton’s Revenge on the team that threw him away! So there’s NO WAY the refs and the league will allow you to win, Philip Rivers! The epic-ness and hype leading to Manning Brady XV or Veteran vs A-hole who took his job would be immense! NO WAY the league will allow you to win, Rivers!

  297. James

    January 8, 2014 at 10:30 am

    @Philip Rivers: die slowly.

  298. Ben Roethlisberger

    January 8, 2014 at 10:15 am

    BECAUSE THE PATS’ D IS ANONYMOUS ASIDE FROM VINCE WILFORK, YOU SEE.

  299. Philip Rivers

    January 8, 2014 at 10:13 am

    Well then I guess I’ll be seeing you in the AFC championship game Brady.

  300. Anonymous

    January 8, 2014 at 10:06 am

    I WISH Tom Brady were really this guy! I like this guy a whole lot more than actual Tom Brady!
    Thank you PFM, for all the blessed and gracious work you do for humanity!

  301. Flamebait

    January 8, 2014 at 10:01 am

    Yes all Pats fans are like that. Every one. Certainly Broncos fans aren’t. Nope. Humble as can be.

    It’s amazing who they allow to have keyboards.

  302. bobman2

    January 8, 2014 at 9:15 am

    My God, Tommy B has channeled 95% of Patriots fans and distilled their very essence down to 1,000 words.

  303. Aaron Hernandez

    January 8, 2014 at 8:57 am

    I would KILL to be apart of this game.

  304. Geno Smith

    January 8, 2014 at 8:42 am

    Brady, you testosterone deficient, ugg wearing sphincter, I bet when the Colts actually beat you with Luck throwing the game winning TD to Deion Branch, you’re going to be whining like a little crybaby and screaming “It’s not fair! It’s not fair! Where’s my flag?”

  305. J is for Jersey and Jets

    January 8, 2014 at 7:10 am

    GO COLTS!!!!!!!

  306. Andrew Luck

    January 8, 2014 at 7:02 am

    um … Mr. Tom Brady, sir, while I agree with the title, I would just like to point out that the rest of the article is not very objective, and I feel that the analysis is somewhat flawed, at best. But that’s just my humble opinion. May the best man win, sir, I look forward to meeting you, a future Hall of Famer, this weekend. Good luck! And by luck, I don’t mean me. Anyways, thank you, Mr. Brady.

  307. Anonymous

    January 8, 2014 at 6:51 am

    All I know is that we had a fat one, and he was good, but he’s out for the year, and that the rest of them all suck ass.

  308. Anonymous

    January 8, 2014 at 6:00 am

    Hahaha nice

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