Tom Brady: “I Think The Colts Are Going To Beat Us This Weekend. Let Me Tell You Why”
HAHAHAHA. SUCKER! Did you see this headline and think to yourself, “Gosh, Tom Brady actually thinks his mighty New England Patriots are going to fall to the lowly Colts in the playoffs? I better click this link to see why that handsome god of a man has lost faith in his team.” WHAT ARE YOU, AN IDIOT? THAT’S WHAT’S CALLED “CLICKBAIT,” STUPID. TRUST ME, WE’RE GOING TO CASTRATE THOSE HAPLESS COLTS BY AT LEAST 40 OR 50 POINTS ON SATURDAY.
Do you want to know all the reasons why we’re going to win? Okay here goes: We have me, Tom Brady, at quarterback. THIS CONCLUDES THE LIST OF REASONS. EVERYTHING AFTER THAT IS IRRELEVANT.
“But Mr. Brady, what about their defense?” you might be asking. “Will your adequate-at-best receivers be able to locate the soft spots in their base 3-4 zone scheme? Will your patchwork o-line contain 2013 NFL sack leader Robert Mathis? NEWS FLASH POINDEXTER: NONE OF THAT SHIT MATTERS.
You wanna know how I started our weekly two hour offensive strategy session on Monday? I stood up and said, “Fellas, the Colts so-called ‘defense’ gave up 44 points last week to Kansas City. Yes, that’s right, to ALEX SMITH. Captain Bus Driver himself actually had 4 TDs, and trust me that guy throws a football worse than an epileptic baboon with an inner ear infection. So I think we can skip the rest of the offensive meetings for this week. Now who’s down for some MarioKart on the Wii?”
“Yes of course, that makes perfect sense Mr. Brady,” you’re saying. “But how about the Colts offense? Will your defensive teammates be able to contain Andrew Luck and company?” WHAT AN IDIOTIC QUESTION. WHY SHOULD I CARE WHAT OUR DEFENSE DOES?
I’ll let you in on a little secret, DumDum. I can’t even name one member of our defense. Not one! That’s how little of a shit I give. All I know is that we had a fat one, and he was good, but he’s out for the year, and that the rest of them all suck ass.
But it doesn’t matter! I look at our defense as a fun little roll of the die each week to tell me how many points I need to score. “Oh, we let the Texans put up 31 points on us? No problem, I’ll just score 34.” “What’s that? We only gave up 7 to the Jets? Cool, that means I only need to give us 10. No biggie.” If Indy lights us up for 83 points on Saturday, just watch me calmly and coolly throw my twelfth touchdown of the game to score point #84 right as the clock hits double zeros. Hey, they don’t call me “Tommy Drama” for nothing you know.
Oh yeah? WELL THEN THEY SHOULD CALL ME THAT, SMART ASS. On account of how I make every game such a thrilling spectacle to watch, and all.
Anyway, what else do the Colts have? Quarterback Andrew Luck? PLEASE. More like quarterback Andrew SCHMUCK, am I right?
(Hee hee. “Andrew Schmuck.” I just thought of that right now. New rule: no one gets to use that unless they credit me. I own that now.)
So what can we expect to see from Schmuck this weekend? Well, I expect him to get shut the fuck down that’s what. Yes, even by our shitty ass defense. Know why? ‘Cause I just checked weather.com, and IT’S GONNA RAIN, BITCHES. It’s safe to say that bearded bumblefuck isn’t used to throwing a ball outside of his warm, comfy sissydome. Trust me, as soon as the clouds open up and start dumping cold Boston showers on his ugly blue uniform, he’ll shrivel up like Aaron Rodgers’ ballsack after a Ndamukong Suh nutstomp.
And what about the rest of their offense? DON’T KNOW DON’T CARE. I think they traded for Jamal Lewis or someone during the season, but beyond that I couldn’t name one player on their offense if Eli Manning’s life depended it. ESPECIALLY if Eli Manning’s life depended on it.
So there you have it: in-depth, flawless, scientific analysis that proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Colts suck enormous donkey dick and that we will be erasing their names from the list of playoff teams this weekend while barely breaking the lightest of sweats. So enjoy watching us win on Saturday, but while you do, remember that I’m richer than you, better looking than you, wear nicer clothes than you, and have more sex than you do. If I wanted to steal your girlfriend, I could do it in 30 seconds flat, and ladies, if I wanted to steal your boyfriend I could probably do it in half that time. So know your place, and quit it with all the stupid questions, is all I’m saying.