Tom Brady: “I Wonder If I Have Time To Rub One Out During Halftime?”
Halftime! Patriots leading 17-3. SUCK IT, TAMPA. HAHA.
I think I looked pretty sharp during those first two quarters. 12-18, and 2 passing TDs. Yep, I think things are going pretty good for the old Tommy Gun.
So I wonder if I have time to rub one out during halftime?
I should be able to squeeze in a quick jerk-and-groan, right? I mean, Coach Belichick will do his usual “blah-blah-you-guys-gotta-focus-more” bullshit for four or five minutes. I’ll have to meet with Coach McDaniels to talk about our second half strategy for another three minutes. Applying a fresh layer of my imported Arabian seaweed hair gel so that I look nice and tousled for the camera should take another four minutes. That leaves me with, what, a full two minutes? Yeah, I can definitely Jack my beanstalk in two minutes.
Okay, just gotta close this bathroom stall nice and tight. No one mind me, I’m just in here pinching a growler! Okay now, let’s see who gets to take a spin on my mental stripper pole today.
Hey, what about that cute blonde cheerleader? The one who keeps saying, “Give me a ‘D!” Oh I’ll give you the D all right, sweetie. Just come over here and… aw crap. That’s right. She was chatting up Wilfork yesterday after practice. Now I have shirtless Vince Wilfork on the brain. Okay, who else?
Ooh, I know. Ryan Tannehill’s wife. That hot minx is as soft and dainty as the Dolphins’ defense. Okay little lady. Lemme show you what a REAL QB can do… dammit. Thinking about Tannehill’s wife makes me think about Tannehill, and I can’t maintain wood while that floppy armed fumblebum is in my head.
Shit. This is taking way longer than I thought.
Okay, okay, time to rock and roll Brady. Think man, think! Oh, hey, what about Mila Kunis? Yeahhhh, that’s the stuff. Lemme just think about that gorgeous face. That slammin’ bod. That hair, those lips, that voice, that… voice. FUCK. Now I’m picturing Meg Griffin. Ugh!
Oh man, I can hear them all heading out to the tunnel now. Who’s that calling my name? Is that McDaniels? Okay Coach, I’m coming. I mean, not literally. I wish I was because then I’d be… just hang on, okay? I’ll be there in a minute.
Gotta keep trying. Getting so close here. Almost ready to paint this stall white. Just a little more. A little more. Who’s it gonna be? Halle Berry! Yes! Gotta love the classics, right? But no, because then I just think about “Catwoman,” and that makes me think about how that was the shittiest movie of all time, and now I’m limp again.
STOP KNOCKING. I SAID I’D BE RIGHT THERE. JESUS! JUST LET MALLET TAKE A SERIES!
Where was I? Gotta picture someone! Quick! Who’s it gonna be, who, who? Blake Lively? No. Gisele Bündchen? No. That “New Girl” chick. Zoe whatever? No. Katy Perry-Danica Patrick-Michelle Tafoya-Megan Fox-Maria Sharapova-Rihanna-Alison Brie-Sarah Michelle Gellar-LadyGaga-Pam Oliver-BettyWhiteBettyWhiteBettyWhiteBETTYWHITEBETTYWHITEBETTYWHITENNNGGGGGHHHHHHHH.
Shit. I just jerked off to Betty White.