Tom Brady: “Fuck It, I’ll Just Have To Win All These Games By Myself”

By
Updated: October 16, 2013
NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS QB TOM BRADY PRESS CONFERENCE GOOFY SWEATER

Everyone thinks it’s so easy to be me. They look at my life and see nothing but supermodel sex, high-end fashion, and bitching haircuts that are cool and awesome and look nothing like Tom Hanks in “Forrest Gump” despite with some assholes might say.

 

Well it might surprise you to know that life as the greatest quarterback in NFL history isn’t all just milkshakes and blowjobs. Do you have any idea the amount of hardships I have to endure in my life? For what feels like the 48th year in a row now, do you know who is expected to carry the entire Patriots team on his broad and handsome shoulders? That’s right. Me. FUCK IT. I’LL JUST HAVE TO WIN ALL THESE GAMES BY MYSELF, I GUESS.

 

What am I talking about, you ask? Oh nothing. Just the fact that we found out yesterday our superstar LB Jerrod Mayo is probably out for the rest of the year with a torn pectoral muscle. Well that’s just fucking great. I guess we’ll have to rely even more on our other defensive stars like Vince Wilfork. Oh no, wait, he’s out for the year too isn’t he? Okay, well at least we still have our shutdown CB Aqib Talib to neutralize the opposing team’s best wideout. What’s that you’re saying?  “Talib is injured too, Mr. Brady?”  YES, I KNOW ASSHOLE. I WAS BEING SARCASTIC.

Pictured: several New England Patriots, one of whom is actually worth a shit.

Pictured: several New England Patriots, one of whom is actually worth a shit.

 

SO THIS IS JUST SWELL. Our defense is now reduced to Brandon Spikes, Devon McCourty, and 9 other guys who I couldn’t name if Bill Belichick’s life depended on it.  Looks like ol’ Tom Terrific’s gonna have to score about 50 points a game from now on to keep this playoff train a’rolling.

 

But hold up a second.  Scoring 50 a game’s not gonna be all that easy. Know why? First of all, Rob Gronkowski’s daddy STILL won’t let him play because I guess his bruised cervix hasn’t fully healed yet. And to make matters worse, everyone in the Massachusetts legal system continues to be total dicks by insisting that Aaron Hernandez has to remain locked up, even though they know just how much I need him down in the red zone. FUCKERS.

 

Danny Amendola? He’s barely played for us this season because of the wide variety of injuries he’s suffered since we signed him back in March. GEE, WHO COULD’VE POSSIBLY SEEN THAT COMING? THAT FRAGILE MOTHERFUCKER PULLS A HAMMY EACH WEEK JUST LISTENING TO THE NATIONAL ANTHEM.

 

Oh, but the injuries don’t stop there. Remember how Shane Vereen looked like a stud in week 1, and it seemed as though we’d finally have a legit rushing attack to keep the heat off me? WELL THE FOOTBALL GODS CAN’T HAVE THAT NOW, CAN THEY? So naturally, Vereen had to have wrist surgery right after that game and he’s been out ever since. What about Stevan Ridley? That punk-ass has been in and out of our lineup more than my dick’s been in and out of your mom. So that means my offensive weaponry has been reduced to Kenbrell Thompkins, LaGarrette Blount, and of course HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED UNTIL HE LEARNS HOW TO PROPERLY RETURN A HI-5.

Oh hey guys, don't worry about it. I'll just handle the rushing AND passing offense. You guys just chill back there so you don't get winded. Assholes.

Oh hey guys, don’t worry about it. I’ll just handle the rushing AND passing offense. You guys just chill back there so you don’t get winded. Assholes.

 

Meanwhile out in Denver, Peyton Fuckhead Manning’s o-line gives him enough time to take a five step drop in that pocket, paint his fingernails a lovely shade of orange, and apply a fresh coat of mascara before deciding which of his ten or twelve pro-bowl receivers he’s going to throw the ball to. And I’ll bet none of them leaves him hanging for a hi-5, either.

 

Wes Welker used to hi-5 me all the time.

 

No. NO! I WILL NOT FEEL SORRY FOR MYSELF. That’s something that quarterbacks without movie star good looks and supermodel wives do. I am Thomas E. Brady and the E stands for “Everyone Can Suck My Balls.” I singlehandedly carried this team to a 5-1 record while everyone else on this miserable squad was in the training room getting taped or the prison shower getting raped. So now I’ll just have to keep on carrying them all the way to a 15-1 record, and right on through to the Super Bowl. Fine. I’m used to it. Not like I ain’t done it before.

 

So look out Jets. Because I’m coming for you this weekend. It’s going to be the New York Gang Green versus the New England Gang of One. All 22 of you versus all 1 of me. I THINK YOU’RE GONNA NEED MORE GUYS. TOM BRADY AIN’T SCARED.

27 Comments

  1. Jon

    October 16, 2013 at 1:00 pm

    Absolutely Epic

  2. Seth

    October 16, 2013 at 5:14 pm

    It’s funny ‘cus it’s true

  3. Anonymous

    October 16, 2013 at 5:32 pm

    milkshakes & blowjobs. awesome.

  4. Anonymous

    October 16, 2013 at 11:56 pm

    This one had me rollin for a good five

  5. Matthew Gunnar Harris

    October 17, 2013 at 4:29 am

    epic! just Epic!

  6. Ben R.

    October 17, 2013 at 7:30 am

    “or the prison shower getting raped.” because of Aaron Hernandez is in Jail

  7. Anonymous

    October 17, 2013 at 9:26 am

    friggen epic…love it

  8. Anonymous

    October 17, 2013 at 10:23 am

    Awesome, so true!

  9. Anonymous

    October 17, 2013 at 4:16 pm

    Brilliant!!!

  10. Anonymous

    October 17, 2013 at 4:25 pm

    Love it

  11. Brian

    October 17, 2013 at 4:46 pm

    Leave it to the New Yorker to have to “explain” the joke. Good job Ben!

  12. Anonymous

    October 18, 2013 at 2:12 am

    Ben R as in Roethlisberger, wake up man! That was funny.

  13. Anonymous

    October 18, 2013 at 12:39 pm

    tom brady is a little pussy faggot

  14. Anonymous

    October 18, 2013 at 2:02 pm

    Your team is 5-1. Shut the fuck up

  15. Anonymous

    October 18, 2013 at 2:27 pm

    What is your team??????

  16. Anonymous

    October 18, 2013 at 2:29 pm

    TB is the Man!

  17. dan

    October 18, 2013 at 3:20 pm

    My Saints gave him a black eye, hopefully he’ll get hepatitis c this weekend also. From those dirty patriots female fan.

  18. Anonymous

    October 18, 2013 at 10:47 pm

    This very well could have been the most poorly written article I have ever read. Not the content, which I vehemently disagree with, but grammatically and subjectively on the level of a forth grader. Just not good.

  19. Anonymous

    October 19, 2013 at 4:38 am

    You can only talk about grammar if you learn how to spell, also. It’s a fourth grader, not a forth grader.

  20. Anonymous

    October 19, 2013 at 4:39 am

    Also, it was meant to be written conversationally.

  21. jiminnyc

    October 19, 2013 at 10:36 am

    I’m not sure which made me laugh harder–the piece itself, or “Ben R.”‘s comment.

  22. Gina Viel

    October 26, 2013 at 8:21 pm

    I hope he us joking. Yeah, all the injuries are true but no one wins a game by themselves especially a QB that rarely moves. Tom is great but puh-leeeze.

  23. Anonymous

    October 27, 2013 at 7:35 pm

    I am saddened by the vulgarity of this story. Any person who has a command of the English language should be able to express himself with language suitable for all ages, especially the young fans.

  24. Anonymous

    October 29, 2013 at 12:18 pm

    @Anonymous: Hi, welcome to ProFootballMock, you must be new here…

  25. Anonymous

    October 31, 2013 at 1:22 pm

    people in these comments take this shit too serious sometimes haha

  26. Anonymous

    November 5, 2013 at 5:52 pm

    fucking hilarious!!! Fuck Yeah!!

  27. Anonymous

    November 21, 2013 at 7:36 pm

    Classic, just classic. Knowing they lost to the Jets after this was written actually just makes the last lines funnier!

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