Tom Brady: “Fuck It, I’ll Just Have To Win All These Games By Myself”
Everyone thinks it’s so easy to be me. They look at my life and see nothing but supermodel sex, high-end fashion, and bitching haircuts that are cool and awesome and look nothing like Tom Hanks in “Forrest Gump” despite with some assholes might say.
Well it might surprise you to know that life as the greatest quarterback in NFL history isn’t all just milkshakes and blowjobs. Do you have any idea the amount of hardships I have to endure in my life? For what feels like the 48th year in a row now, do you know who is expected to carry the entire Patriots team on his broad and handsome shoulders? That’s right. Me. FUCK IT. I’LL JUST HAVE TO WIN ALL THESE GAMES BY MYSELF, I GUESS.
What am I talking about, you ask? Oh nothing. Just the fact that we found out yesterday our superstar LB Jerrod Mayo is probably out for the rest of the year with a torn pectoral muscle. Well that’s just fucking great. I guess we’ll have to rely even more on our other defensive stars like Vince Wilfork. Oh no, wait, he’s out for the year too isn’t he? Okay, well at least we still have our shutdown CB Aqib Talib to neutralize the opposing team’s best wideout. What’s that you’re saying? “Talib is injured too, Mr. Brady?” YES, I KNOW ASSHOLE. I WAS BEING SARCASTIC.
SO THIS IS JUST SWELL. Our defense is now reduced to Brandon Spikes, Devon McCourty, and 9 other guys who I couldn’t name if Bill Belichick’s life depended on it. Looks like ol’ Tom Terrific’s gonna have to score about 50 points a game from now on to keep this playoff train a’rolling.
But hold up a second. Scoring 50 a game’s not gonna be all that easy. Know why? First of all, Rob Gronkowski’s daddy STILL won’t let him play because I guess his bruised cervix hasn’t fully healed yet. And to make matters worse, everyone in the Massachusetts legal system continues to be total dicks by insisting that Aaron Hernandez has to remain locked up, even though they know just how much I need him down in the red zone. FUCKERS.
Danny Amendola? He’s barely played for us this season because of the wide variety of injuries he’s suffered since we signed him back in March. GEE, WHO COULD’VE POSSIBLY SEEN THAT COMING? THAT FRAGILE MOTHERFUCKER PULLS A HAMMY EACH WEEK JUST LISTENING TO THE NATIONAL ANTHEM.
Oh, but the injuries don’t stop there. Remember how Shane Vereen looked like a stud in week 1, and it seemed as though we’d finally have a legit rushing attack to keep the heat off me? WELL THE FOOTBALL GODS CAN’T HAVE THAT NOW, CAN THEY? So naturally, Vereen had to have wrist surgery right after that game and he’s been out ever since. What about Stevan Ridley? That punk-ass has been in and out of our lineup more than my dick’s been in and out of your mom. So that means my offensive weaponry has been reduced to Kenbrell Thompkins, LaGarrette Blount, and of course HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED UNTIL HE LEARNS HOW TO PROPERLY RETURN A HI-5.
Meanwhile out in Denver, Peyton Fuckhead Manning’s o-line gives him enough time to take a five step drop in that pocket, paint his fingernails a lovely shade of orange, and apply a fresh coat of mascara before deciding which of his ten or twelve pro-bowl receivers he’s going to throw the ball to. And I’ll bet none of them leaves him hanging for a hi-5, either.
Wes Welker used to hi-5 me all the time.
No. NO! I WILL NOT FEEL SORRY FOR MYSELF. That’s something that quarterbacks without movie star good looks and supermodel wives do. I am Thomas E. Brady and the E stands for “Everyone Can Suck My Balls.” I singlehandedly carried this team to a 5-1 record while everyone else on this miserable squad was in the training room getting taped or the prison shower getting raped. So now I’ll just have to keep on carrying them all the way to a 15-1 record, and right on through to the Super Bowl. Fine. I’m used to it. Not like I ain’t done it before.
So look out Jets. Because I’m coming for you this weekend. It’s going to be the New York Gang Green versus the New England Gang of One. All 22 of you versus all 1 of me. I THINK YOU’RE GONNA NEED MORE GUYS. TOM BRADY AIN’T SCARED.