Tim Tebow: “Apparently God’s Plan For Me Involves Lots Of Failure and Humiliation”
Hello friends! As you may have heard, I was released by the Jets. It pains me greatly that things didn’t work out, because I worked so very, very hard to succeed with New York. And to make matters worse, even though I’ve only been a free agent for a few hours now, I’ve already been rejected by the Seahawks, Bears, Jaguars, Buccaneers, and Eagles. Heck, even the CFL says they’d only want me as a backup.
But it’s okay though, because as a devout Christian, I know that our Almighty God has a plan for me. And apparently, His plan involves lots and lots of of public humiliation and failure.
For example, the Lord saw fit in His wisdom to allow the Denver Broncos to sign Peyton Manning, even though I had just won a playoff game for them a few months earlier. God continued to permit me to be publicly embarrassed when He somehow guided the Broncos into trading me to the Jets like some cast off leper. Goodness, I wonder how these moves fit into the great cosmic scheme that He has laid out for me?
Oh but Our Father’s heavenly plan for me didn’t stop when He placed me in New York. You see, despite the fact that I worked out every day at the team’s training facility, studied the playbooks diligently, and did everything I could to be ready for game action, The Lord God saw fit to allow Coach Rex Ryan to keep me on the bench for the duration of the entire season. Through Jesus’ loving guidance, Coach apparently thought that I was a worse option for the team than Mark Sanchez, buttfumbles and all. Why, He even let a third stringer start a game late in the season, instead of giving me a shot. Clearly, the Most Holy Creator was orchestrating some sort of large scale operation for which my continued humiliation was integral, right?
Look, I don’t know HOW exactly all this embarrassment fits into the Lord’s long term plan for me. That’s for Almighty God to know and for me to find out. He moves in mysterious ways, you know? Maybe, somehow, being cut by the Jets will lead me to signing a contract with a Super Bowl contender like the 49ers. No wait, they’ve said no to me already too. Well then, maybe He is doing this to me because, I don’t know, maybe He wants me to rededicate my life to something besides football? Politics maybe, or some sort of media career?
If that is the case, you might wonder WHY exactly he had me waste all these years playing high school and college football, making me think that it was my destiny to ascend to a superstar NFL position where I could use my platform to spread His Most Holy Word. Sure, you might ask whether or not I’m just a little bitter that He’s guided me toward one goal for my entire life, only to yank it away from me in a very public, very humiliating fashion like this. In fact, it might be well within your rights to ask if I’m not getting just a little bit sick and tired of suffering disgrace over and over again while being being turned into the sporting world’s biggest laughing stock, all at the whim of an apparently vindictive and cruel-minded deity who seems to take some perverse pleasure in my continued agony DESPITE THE FACT THAT I’VE DONE NOTHING MY ENTIRE LIFE OTHER THAN PRAISE HIS STUPID NAME!
Yes, these are all fair questions you might ask. But again, I know all this ridicule and indignity I am suffering right now is obviously part of His great and wonderful master plan, so I am happy and at peace. God Bless us all.