Tall, Fat Kid Trick-Or-Treating In Kansas City Suburb Turns Out To Be Andy Reid
BLUE SPRINGS, MO – Earlier reports today from numerous eyewitnesses of an unusually tall, shockingly obese child going door to door in this quiet Kansas City suburb requesting candy from confused homeowners on Halloween night were updated moments ago to clarify that the trick-or-treater in question is actually 56-year-old Chiefs head coach Andy Reid.
“When my doorbell rang, I was expecting to find some eight-year-old dressed as Buzz Lightyear, or maybe a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. Instead I opened the door to find a 6’3″ middle-aged man who weighed at least 350 pounds,” said local resident Beverly Gausnell. “As you can imagine, I was pretty shocked. Most of the children in this neighborhood are more in the 200-225 pound range.”
“At first I thought it was two or three kids standing on each other’s shoulders, wrapped in some kind of fat padding, wearing a comically fake-looking mustache,” added neighbor Glenn Covendale. “I said, ‘Oh look how cute you are. What are you supposed to be? The Kool-Aid Man, or some sort of angry, red, tomato-walrus creature?’ He just scowled at me, and told me to, ‘Make with the free candy, pal.'”
Added Covendale: “I threw a mini-Snickers in his bag, and he glared at me pretty hard. So I tossed a couple of Tootsie Rolls in as well. More glaring. Finally I just dumped my entire bowl of candy in there. That’s when he nodded and walked slowly away.”
According to reports, Reid’s advanced age was not the only thing unusual about about his Halloween activities.
“Most children wait until around 5:00 or 5:30pm to start trick-or-treating,” said Erica Frye. “Yet Coach Reid knocked on my door at the ridiculously early hour of 1:15 in the afternoon. And he told me that he plans to keep going until at least 3:00 in the morning, even though the whole neighborhood will be asleep by then. I guess it’s true what they say: clock management just isn’t his strong suit.”