Sebastian Janikowski Suggests Increasing Value Of Extra Points Based On Amount Of Alcohol Consumed Before Kick
OAKLAND – In response to a suggested NFL rule change that would increase the difficulty of all post-TD extra point attempts by moving the placement of the ball back to the 25-yard line, Raiders placekicker Sebastian Janikowski, whose resume includes two DUI arrests and multiple bar brawls, has offered an alternative proposal to the league’s official competition committee: that all future kicks should be worth one point for each shot of vodka or other hard liquor a player consumes immediately prior to the conversion attempt.
“Eet is seemple,” said the Polish kicker, between swigs from a bottle of Belvedere Red. “Ehxtra points, dey ees too easy. You want make dem harder, keekers need to drink before each ahttempt. Eef you down one shot, den you make short keek, eet is worth one point. Two shots make keek worth two points. Und so on. By time fourth quarter roll ahround, you might see me make keek worth feefteen, twenty points, maybe.”
Added Janikowski: “Why I talk like dees? I no have ahccent.”
The bold suggestion has encouraged other star players around the league to propose rule modifications of their own.
“Sure, I’d be down to increase the value of field goals and extra point attempts depending on how much booze the kicker drinks beforehand,” said the Patriots’ hard partying Rob Gronkoswki. “But only if we also do a blood alcohol level test of any player scoring a touchdown. Trust me, I’ve caught plenty of TDs after shotgunning a full six pack of Natty Ice during halftime. That’s gotta be worth an extra ten or twelve points per score.”
“So wait, they’re saying that kicks and touchdowns will go up in points if a player drinks a bunch beforehand? Then maybe we should also double the yardage of a sack depending on how much cocaine, pot, amphetamines, LSD, and bath salts a defensive player has in his system at the time of the tackle” suggested the 49ers’ Aldon Smith. “Based on those values, they’d have to spot the ball back in the parking lot after some of my hits.”
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