Sebastian Janikowski Suggests Increasing Value Of Extra Points Based On Amount Of Alcohol Consumed Before Kick

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Updated: March 4, 2014

OAKLAND – In response to a suggested NFL rule change that would increase the difficulty of all post-TD extra point attempts by moving the placement of the ball back to the 25-yard line, Raiders placekicker Sebastian Janikowski, whose resume includes two DUI arrests and multiple bar brawls, has offered an alternative proposal to the league’s official competition committee: that all future kicks should be worth one point for each shot of vodka or other hard liquor a player consumes immediately prior to the conversion attempt.

Janikowski has also suggested that kickoffs be moved forward five yards for each Big Mac consumed while approaching the ball

Janikowski has also suggested that kickoffs be moved forward five yards for each Big Mac consumed while approaching the ball

 

“Eet is seemple,” said the Polish kicker, between swigs from a bottle of Belvedere Red. “Ehxtra points, dey ees too easy. You want make dem harder, keekers need to drink before each ahttempt. Eef you down one shot, den you make short keek, eet is worth one point. Two shots make keek worth two points. Und so on. By time fourth quarter roll ahround, you might see me make keek worth feefteen, twenty points, maybe.”

 

Added Janikowski: “Why I talk like dees? I no have ahccent.”

 

The bold suggestion has encouraged other star players around the league to propose rule modifications of their own.

 

“Sure, I’d be down to increase the value of field goals and extra point attempts depending on how much booze the kicker drinks beforehand,” said the Patriots’ hard partying Rob Gronkoswki. “But only if we also do a blood alcohol level test of any player scoring a touchdown. Trust me, I’ve caught plenty of TDs after shotgunning a full six pack of Natty Ice during halftime. That’s gotta be worth an extra ten or twelve points per score.”

 

“So wait, they’re saying that kicks and touchdowns will go up in points if a player drinks a bunch beforehand? Then maybe we should also double the yardage of a sack depending on how much cocaine, pot, amphetamines, LSD, and bath salts a defensive player has in his system at the time of the tackle” suggested the 49ers’ Aldon Smith. “Based on those values, they’d have to spot the ball back in the parking lot after some of my hits.”

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90 Comments

  1. Matt Stafford

    March 11, 2014 at 10:49 pm

    Wow Donald!!! That’s an awesome gift idea for Bradford! I’ll let him know. Hey Bradford! Donald has something for you #femaleescorts

    • Donald

      March 12, 2014 at 9:47 am

      They are into anything you ask ’em. It should provide Bradford with hours of entertainment during the offseason and during the season!!!

  2. Tom Brady

    March 10, 2014 at 9:11 pm

    Fuck

  3. Kacey Musgraves

    March 10, 2014 at 7:31 pm

    Brady stop hacking my facebook i wont have sex with you

  4. Kacey Musgraves

    March 10, 2014 at 6:20 pm

    Hey Brady hey sorry I’m an asshole if you say sorry we can have sex over at my place. I’ll even stick my Grammys up my virgina for you. I also can invite Taylor and your wife for a 4-way. So just say your sorry for being a bitch to me.

  5. Manny Ramirez

    March 10, 2014 at 5:44 pm

    * snaps the ball *

  6. Kacey Musgraves

    March 10, 2014 at 12:56 pm

    Yah well i won something this year

  7. Tom Brady

    March 10, 2014 at 12:55 pm

    In 2001 ’02 ’04 I actually won something to

  8. Kacey Musgraves

    March 10, 2014 at 12:01 pm

    I actually won something since 2004

  9. Tom Brady

    March 10, 2014 at 11:14 am

    And your not a good artist

  10. Kacey Musgraves

    March 10, 2014 at 9:47 am

    But none of yall are kickers

  11. Joe Nameth

    March 10, 2014 at 7:55 am

    I’m un retiring *hiccup*

  12. Jerry Jones

    March 9, 2014 at 11:15 pm

    Good idea *hiccup* Janikowski!

  13. Tony Romo

    March 9, 2014 at 11:14 pm

    WILSON! I will take my cap and strangle you with it.

  14. Kacey Musgraves

    March 9, 2014 at 9:46 pm

    Dreams

  15. Kacey Musgraves

    March 9, 2014 at 9:19 pm

    Well crushing my dres every december is a start

  16. Tony Backwards Hat Romo

    March 9, 2014 at 9:17 pm

    What the FUCK DID I DO TO YOU

  17. Kacey Musgraves

    March 9, 2014 at 8:42 pm

    Actually tony romos a disgrace to humanity so yah leave

  18. Kacey Musgraves

    March 9, 2014 at 8:39 pm

    Harsh

  19. A Pimp Named Tom Brady

    March 9, 2014 at 8:19 pm

    Romo out NOW

  20. Tony Romo

    March 9, 2014 at 4:42 pm

    This convo is only for Playoff winning QB’s

  21. Andy Dalton

    March 8, 2014 at 7:37 pm

    Wow, Rapistburger, you once again explain-raped your own joke. Like that’s not getting old.

  22. Ben Roethlisberger

    March 8, 2014 at 7:36 pm

    ITS FUNNY BECAUSE I HAVE ALLEGEDLY COMMITTED MULTIPLE DATE RAPES

  23. Ben Roethlisberger

    March 8, 2014 at 7:35 pm

    I THINK EXTRA POINTS SHOULD BE BASED ON THE NUMBER OF ALLEGED DATE RAPES A PLAYER HAS

  24. Ben Rothelisburger

    March 7, 2014 at 7:59 pm

    ITS FUNNY BECAUE I SPELLED FUNNY WRONG

  25. Rothelisburger

    March 7, 2014 at 5:28 pm

    ITS FUNN BECAUSE RYAN TAHHEHILL SPELLED WIFE WRONG

  26. Anonymous

    March 7, 2014 at 5:08 pm

    Because the kicker scores most of the points for the Raiders and this would help them win more games you see.

  27. Ryan Tannehill

    March 6, 2014 at 9:06 pm

    If you’re going to impersonate my wide, Brady, at least spell her name right.

  28. Lauern Tannehill

    March 6, 2014 at 9:01 pm

    Oh shut up ryan until your a winning quarterback with a giant dick you dont get to critisize anyone

  29. Ryan Tannehill

    March 6, 2014 at 8:57 pm

    So, basically, you’re playing like a member of the New England Patriots.

  30. Joe Fucko who is NOT Elite

    March 6, 2014 at 8:26 pm

    Really? Thanks! Also WILSON I WILL DRESS UP AS GOLDEN TATE IN THE END ZONE AND WHEN YOU THROW YOUR HAIL MARY TO ME I WILL DROP IT ON PURPOSE

  31. Tom Brady

    March 6, 2014 at 7:13 pm

    Romo im going to say something very shocking joe flactard is more elite then you

  32. Tony Romo

    March 6, 2014 at 6:53 pm

    Maybe if I stay quiet they won’t try and kill me

  33. Colin Kapernick

    March 6, 2014 at 6:48 pm

    Like I said Go PHINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  34. Caleb Sturgis

    March 6, 2014 at 6:17 pm

    Sorry Kap I’m firmly against alcohol

  35. Colin Kaepernick

    March 6, 2014 at 5:59 pm

    Maybe Miami can finally make the playoffs! Go Phins!

  36. Cassadee Pope

    March 6, 2014 at 3:39 pm

    Hey im better then all of yall

  37. Kacey Musgraves

    March 6, 2014 at 3:35 pm

    You know what im starting to like rivers

  38. Philip Rivers

    March 6, 2014 at 3:33 pm

    Taylor Swift? Country music singer whose songs are actually pop music but she still gets to go to all the country music awards shows? And second fiddle to Kacey Musgraves?

  39. Taylor bitch Swift

    March 6, 2014 at 2:53 pm

    Musgraves i will bash your head in with my guitar until you cant remember your own music also dont change my name

  40. Kacey Musgraves

    March 6, 2014 at 1:36 pm

    Hey taylor swift is shitty i am talented

  41. Sam Bradford

    March 6, 2014 at 1:24 pm

    Everything-sexual and also kids and shitty country artists like yourself

  42. Sam Bradford

    March 6, 2014 at 1:20 pm

    I think the value of the extra point should be determined by how many hamsters the kicker can fit inside his rectum while taking the kick.

  43. Kacey Musgraves

    March 6, 2014 at 1:20 pm

    Bradford what is your sexual orientation just a question

  44. Sam Bradford

    March 6, 2014 at 1:19 pm

    Can I join in a circle jerk with Aaron and Micheal

  45. Kacey Musgraves

    March 6, 2014 at 1:10 pm

    Look aaron i am totally behind your gayness just follow your arrow and kiss lots of boys because thats what your into

  46. Aaron Gayboy

    March 6, 2014 at 12:56 pm

    I am not GAY

  47. Michael Sam

    March 6, 2014 at 12:37 pm

    Hey Aaron, wanna go out some time?

  48. bobman2

    March 6, 2014 at 10:27 am

    Mike Vanderjagt and Dick Cheney in the same convo, and now the same sentence? Brilliant. Or, as Ben might say, BECAUSE THEY’RE SO YESTERDAY!

  49. Kanas City Cheifs

    March 6, 2014 at 8:11 am

    We didn’t play against you’re Chargers, Rivers

  50. Philip Rivers is Back

    March 6, 2014 at 6:35 am

    Alex Smith bus driver for the Kanas City Cheifs who lost to my Chargers 2 times this year.

  51. Alex Smith

    March 5, 2014 at 9:26 pm

    So… Is Rivers actually dead?

  52. Matt No Rings

    March 5, 2014 at 8:51 pm

    Dammit Staford this isn’t twitter

  53. Matt stafford

    March 5, 2014 at 7:45 pm

    Yea #finally #goodbye

  54. Drww

    March 5, 2014 at 7:44 pm

    Hallalujah

  55. Dick Cheney

    March 5, 2014 at 7:34 pm

    Sorry Rivers, thought you were a quail.

  56. Dick Cheney

    March 5, 2014 at 7:33 pm

    (Accidentally shoots Rivers in the face)

  57. Peyton Manning

    March 5, 2014 at 7:32 pm

    And somebody remind me to shoot Rivers in the head.

  58. Peyton Manning

    March 5, 2014 at 7:30 pm

    WILSON, I HOPE YOU TAKE A GROUND BALL TO THE NUTS!

  59. Phillip Rivers

    March 5, 2014 at 7:29 pm

    Peyton manning asshead quarterback who lost in the superbowl and always chokes in the big spotlight

  60. Russell Wilson

    March 5, 2014 at 7:29 pm

    Guilty.

  61. Peyton Manning

    March 5, 2014 at 7:27 pm

    Okay, who’s the dumbass who let all the kickers in? Was it you, Rivers?

  62. Johnny Football

    March 5, 2014 at 6:43 pm

    What a coincidence! Just today I decided to stop playing QB, and switch to kicker. I could get my team 50-60 points a game EASY

  63. Matt Prater

    March 5, 2014 at 6:35 pm

    NO NO NO NO NO NO NO I want to keep my 64 yard field goal record make kicks shorter

  64. Cam Newton

    March 5, 2014 at 4:57 pm

    What is second best iron bowl besides the cam back WAAAAAAR EEEEEEAAAGGLLEEE

  65. Ben Roethlisberger

    March 5, 2014 at 4:49 pm

    ITS FUNNY BECAUSE CHRIS DAVIS RETURNED A MISSED FIELD GOAL FOR A TOUCHDOWN

  66. Auburn cornerback Chris Davis

    March 5, 2014 at 4:42 pm

    Yes YES YES YES YES YES. MAKE KICKS LONGER AND EASIER TO RETURN

  67. Kacey Musgraves

    March 5, 2014 at 4:41 pm

    SESKt

  68. backup alabama kicker

    March 5, 2014 at 4:39 pm

    NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! IF ANYTHING MAKE EXTRA POINTS EASIER

  69. Kacey Musgraves

    March 5, 2014 at 1:42 pm

    Sucks to be you rodgers

  70. Ed Hochuli

    March 5, 2014 at 1:23 pm

    The next thing you know we’re going to start measuring gayness titers on the field. Those who test positive will do 60-yard burpees.

  71. Alex Henery

    March 5, 2014 at 12:33 pm

    That’s fine and all, but how many extra points do you get for each snowball that hits you during the attempt?

  72. Scott Norwood

    March 5, 2014 at 12:26 pm

    They should add points for every drink after a missed kick

  73. Ben Roethlisberger

    March 5, 2014 at 12:08 pm

    ITS FUNNY BECAUSE JOE NAMATH IS A DRUNK

  74. Joe Namath

    March 5, 2014 at 11:49 am

    Wish this (hic) rule was introduced when I (hic) still was (hic) playing (passes out)

  75. Sam Bradford

    March 5, 2014 at 11:47 am

    You know what they say about when a kicker hits both uprights, right?

  76. Donald

    March 5, 2014 at 8:59 am

    Philip Rivers is Fucking AWESOME!!!!!

  77. Philip Rivers

    March 5, 2014 at 8:27 am

    Mike Vanderjagt? The kicker who had the field goal hit both uprights and still counted good?

  78. James

    March 5, 2014 at 5:02 am

    I had an idea for something like this one time…all the running though takes a toll on your stomach when you go 50 yards after chugging 3 beers, next thing you know you’re laying on the ground getting the vomit hosed off your chin. My point being don’t exercise, drinking is more fun

  79. GVanhulle

    March 5, 2014 at 4:26 am

    This might be a great idea for a new sport

  80. Ben Roethlisberger

    March 4, 2014 at 8:48 pm

    BECAUSE MIKE VANDERJAGT WAS CALLED AN IDIOT LIQUORED UP KICKER BY PEYTON MANNING, AND AARON RODGERS IS TIRED OF PHILIP RIVERS’ WAY OF INTRODUCING PEOPLE, YOU SEE.

  81. Peyton Manning

    March 4, 2014 at 8:48 pm

    And you wonder why we still think you’re gay, Rodgers.

  82. Aaron Rodgers

    March 4, 2014 at 8:46 pm

    So help me Rivers, if you say one thing about Mike Vanderjagt, I will krazy glue your dick to your hand so that you can only perpetually masturbate.

  83. Carson Palmer

    March 4, 2014 at 8:44 pm

    Rivers, you must have some deep rooted psychological issues if you continually have to announce everyone’s presence.

  84. Mike Vanderjagt

    March 4, 2014 at 8:41 pm

    Looks like the perfect time to come out of retirement.

  85. Jay Cutler

    March 4, 2014 at 7:13 pm

    Oh my God rivers shut uuuuup

  86. Phillip Rivers

    March 4, 2014 at 7:11 pm

    Ed Hoculi? NFL ref who has Hulk Hogan sized arms and explains a rule in 20 minutes?

  87. Ed Hochuli

    March 4, 2014 at 6:38 pm

    I knew it! The rules committee did not consult me, the wimpy, uneducated, skinny-gun bahstards!….but my proposal was that the placekicker has to arm-wrestle me (or my designee). The loser (nee: the place kicker) then has to kick the extra point from the 50-yard line.

  88. De'Andrew

    March 4, 2014 at 5:52 pm

    Gronk’s a Pole, to. Might wsanna change the accent.

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