SCANDAL: 100% Of Nation’s Pop Warner Players Have Traces Of Growth Hormone In System
America’s peewee football leagues were dealt a massive blow to their squeaky-clean image Wednesday when a new study revealed that a full 100% of Pop Warner players contain traces of human growth hormone in their system.
“Obviously, we’re shocked and saddened by these findings,” said Aaron Wojnowski, Vice President of the American Association of Junior League Football. “Not just to learn that our players have taken the field while under the influence of this substance, but to learn of the staggering number of players involved. To know that one hundred percent of our players have been ‘juicing’ is devastating. Everyone in the organization feels betrayed.”
“In retrospect, we should’ve seen the signs,” lamented Norman Scarola, head coach of Salt Lake City’s Westside Cougars, 10-12 year old division. “Just look at Connor over there. Two years ago, he was barely over four feet tall. He weighed, maybe, 65 pounds. Now he’s over five feet, and the kid’s pushing 100 pounds. You don’t get that kind of body development unless there’s something coursing through your veins to promote it.”
Symptoms of the hormone include sudden growth spurts as well as increased muscle definition. Additionally, in players that remain under the hormone’s effects for longer periods of time, changes such as vocal deviations, clusters of body hair growth, and sharply increased libido are common.
Despite the massive number of players found to contain the hormone in their systems, no suppliers have yet been identified. Authorities confirmed they are baffled that so many players could be under the hormone’s influence, yet no apparent clues to the dealer’s identity can by discovered.
“It’s like the drug just magically appears inside these kids,” said DEA administrator Michele Leonhart. We don’t know where they get it, we don’t know who’s giving it to them, but without fail, they all seem to fall under its insidious grasp at some point. I don’t know why kids these days can’t seem to grow up without needing this awful ‘GH’ inside their system.”