SCANDAL: Kellen Winslow Jr. Shamefully Admits That He Eats At Boston Market

Updated: January 19, 2014

EAST HANOVER TOWNSHIP, NJ – Jets TE Kellen Winslow Jr. found himself mired in an embarrassing public scandal Saturday when he shamefully admitted to police that he was “looking for a Boston Market” when he was spotted at a Target parking lot in a car with synthetic marijuana while masturbating furiously.

Kellen Winslow Jr


“Disgusting. That man is simply disgusting for what he did,” said outraged Jets fan Lydia Chadsworth, 45. “Have you ever tasted the quote-unquote ‘food’ at Boston Market? The meatloaf is dry, the chicken is undercooked, and the vegetables are always soggy and gross. And don’t even get me started on those little doorstoppers they call dill potatoes.”


“Their cornbread’s pretty good, I guess,” said East Hanover resident Reggie Barlow, 28. “But that’s not nearly enough to make up for the rest of their cruddy menu. Why would (Winslow) admit to eating at a shithole like Boston Market? There’s a TGI Friday’s not half a block away that would’ve been a much less embarrassing place to go after rubbing one out in a Target parking lot.”


Winslow’s publicist issued a stern denial of the accusations.


“Let me make this perfectly clear: my client did not, and has not ever, eaten at any Boston Market at any point in his life,” claimed Denise White of EAG Sports Management. “Yes it is true that he told officers on the scene he was ‘looking for a Boston Market,’ but he was simply disoriented at the time because of all the weed he’d smoked just prior to his extended masturbation session. The truth is, he was looking for a Jersey Mike’s. THEY know how to make a decent turkey sub.”

Leave a Reply


  1. Mark Sanchez

    March 24, 2014 at 8:54 am

    *gets hit by a 737*

  2. Anonymous

    January 20, 2014 at 11:42 pm

    Lucky mofo. I wish I could still find some spice (synthetic cannabis).

  3. Anonymous

    January 20, 2014 at 11:18 am

    A dude looking for Boston Market whil jacking off in a Target parking lot with synthetic pot… Just another day in New York!

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  5. Terrell Owens

    January 19, 2014 at 3:05 pm

    What’s wrong with Boston Market? I tell everyone to eat there!

  6. BEN!

    January 19, 2014 at 11:36 am


  7. Geno Smith

    January 19, 2014 at 11:04 am

    Hey, it could have been worse, he could have been listening to music on Beats by Dre headphones. And then gotten kicked off a plane.

  8. James

    January 19, 2014 at 8:51 am

    When you lose the right to beat your own meat in the privacy of your own car then the terrorists have won

  9. Mark

    January 19, 2014 at 7:18 am

    …….and the pulled pork……..

  10. Hillbilly Bob

    January 19, 2014 at 7:15 am

    I just heard about the “Beat off session” on Friday and have been laughing ever since nd I don’t even smoke weed
    As a Browns fan I probably should smoke weed, do meth and heroin at the same time and chase it with some Mad Dog 20/20
    Now I wonder if KW was jerking off on his motorcycle when he wrecked his knee back in 2005?
    Does the Hall of Fame have a “Beat off” wing? if so he may get in the HoF with his dad

  11. Mark

    January 19, 2014 at 3:54 am

    I hear the jerk chicken is pretty good too.

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