SCANDAL: Kellen Winslow Jr. Shamefully Admits That He Eats At Boston Market
EAST HANOVER TOWNSHIP, NJ – Jets TE Kellen Winslow Jr. found himself mired in an embarrassing public scandal Saturday when he shamefully admitted to police that he was “looking for a Boston Market” when he was spotted at a Target parking lot in a car with synthetic marijuana while masturbating furiously.
“Disgusting. That man is simply disgusting for what he did,” said outraged Jets fan Lydia Chadsworth, 45. “Have you ever tasted the quote-unquote ‘food’ at Boston Market? The meatloaf is dry, the chicken is undercooked, and the vegetables are always soggy and gross. And don’t even get me started on those little doorstoppers they call dill potatoes.”
“Their cornbread’s pretty good, I guess,” said East Hanover resident Reggie Barlow, 28. “But that’s not nearly enough to make up for the rest of their cruddy menu. Why would (Winslow) admit to eating at a shithole like Boston Market? There’s a TGI Friday’s not half a block away that would’ve been a much less embarrassing place to go after rubbing one out in a Target parking lot.”
Winslow’s publicist issued a stern denial of the accusations.
“Let me make this perfectly clear: my client did not, and has not ever, eaten at any Boston Market at any point in his life,” claimed Denise White of EAG Sports Management. “Yes it is true that he told officers on the scene he was ‘looking for a Boston Market,’ but he was simply disoriented at the time because of all the weed he’d smoked just prior to his extended masturbation session. The truth is, he was looking for a Jersey Mike’s. THEY know how to make a decent turkey sub.”