Santa Claus: “Remember When Those Dickhead Eagles Fans Threw Snowballs At Me?”

By
Updated: December 18, 2013
SANTA CLAUS 1

Ho ho ho everyone! Merrrrrrry Christmas! Is everyone ready for the big day? My elves and I are almost done putting the finishing touches on all the special presents we’ll be delivering to good little boys and girls across the world next week. Yes sir by golly you betcha, we are going to make this year’s holiday season the happiest, jolliest, most wonderful Christmas ever!

 

Certainly not like that one back in 1968, when all those dickhead Eagle fans threw snowballs at me. You remember that shit? What a bunch of fuckers!

 

I mean, there I was, just visiting their shithole of a stadium to try and spread a little holiday cheer. I’m a Niners fan myself, but hey, I don’t discriminate. When it comes to sharing the Christmas Spirit, I’m happy to show up at any NFL stadium. I wasn’t expecting to get blasted by thousands of tightly packed little slushbombs chucked at me by drunken maniacs.

 

Oh, I’d heard the stories. I’d been told that Eagles fans are mostly foul tempered, violent sociopaths, and that out-of-towners should definitely avoid going anywhere near them on game days. But foolishly, I thought to myself, “C’mon Kris. They’re not going to give you a hard time. You’re Father Christmas, for Christ’s sake.”

 

Holy crap, was I wrong.

"And trust me, those bastards had way better aim than Donovan McNabb or Kevin Kolb."

“And trust me, those bastards had way better aim than Donovan McNabb or Kevin Kolb.”

 

The minute I hit the field, waving to the stands and ho-ho-ho’ing my way out to to midfield, BAM, I got nailed in the teeth by one of those missiles. I was like, “WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?” I’m standing there, with a load of wet, dirty snow dripping down my beard and into my collar, looking around to see who was responsible so I could stick my big black boot up their ass. And suddenly another snowball hits me. Then another. And next thing I know, an icy cold snowlocaust of carnage starts raining down all around me. Dozens of those freezing grenades were smashing into my face, my ears, my nuts, everywhere. And as I’m about ready to shit my big red overalls in fear, I slowly become aware that all those ugly green-jerseyed sons a’bitches up in the stands were BOOING me. You believe that shit? Tell me, what kind of fucked-up, soulless hellhole of a city actually boos SANTA CLAUS?!

 

Well needless to say, I hightailed it right the fuck out of there, and the reindeer and I double-timed it back to the North Pole toot sweet. And I may have been a chilly motherfucker on the outside, but inside I was BOILING WITH RED HOT RAGE at all Eagles fans everywhere.

 

“But Santa,” you may be asking. “Do the actions of a few bad apples really represent an entire fan base? Just because a handful of drunks threw snowballs at you doesn’t mean that the entire Eagles nation is bad, does it?

 

YES. YES, IT FUCKING DOES.

 

Those slush-chucking scumbags have RUINED it for everyone. You think the fact that the Eagles have never won a Super Bowl is a goddamned COINCIDENCE? HELL NO. I have enormous pull with every major religion’s god of luck, from ancient Greece’s Fortuna to the Seven Lucky Gods of 15th century Japanese folklore, right on through to the big JC Himself. And I’ve seen to it that every Eagles season from now until the end of time will end in nothing but FAILURE AND HEARTBREAK. THAT’LL TEACH YOU TO AMBUSH KRIS KRINGLE, YOU PUNK ASS LITTLE BITCHES.

 

So every year around Christmas, when you hear NFL announcers make the same old references to Philadelphia as the city that once booed Santa Claus and pelted him with snowballs, you now know that shit is 100% true because you’re hearing it right from the head Jolly Old Elf himself. And yes, Eagles faithful, once again you can expect nothing in your stockings but chunks of black coal seasoned with just a dash of reindeer shit. SUCK IT, PHILLY.

Leave a Reply

37 Comments

  1. Evan M.

    December 19, 2014 at 5:48 pm

    I’m suprised that they haven’t written anything about Jay Cutler getting benched, but it’ll be interesting how the other QBs will handle this new development

  2. Eagles # 1

    January 6, 2014 at 4:48 pm

    Wow Eagle Fans Threw Snowballs at Santa…Where did you hear that? From your great great grandfather? BTW…do a little research and you’ll find out why it was justified.

  3. Anonymous

    January 2, 2014 at 5:53 pm

    Old news. Snore

  4. AnonS

    December 31, 2013 at 6:02 pm

    The Eagles seem to be doing pretty darn well.

  5. Anonymous

    December 26, 2013 at 8:59 pm

    history lesson. Eagles fans were mad because they started the season playing like shit and won 3 of their last 4 games pushing them to the second pick in the draft the following year which led to O.J. becoming a bill not an eagle. The eagles were winning the game when they threw snowballs at santa

  6. Roesthlisburger

    December 25, 2013 at 5:44 am

    ITS FUNNY BECAUSE THINGS THAT HAPPENED A LONG TIME AGO ARE STILL FUNNY WHEN YOU REPEAT THEM FIVE THOUSAND TIMES

  7. Tracy Lilly

    December 23, 2013 at 9:00 am

    “And trust me, those bastards had way better aim than Donovan McNabb or Kevin Kolb.”

    Nice!!!

  8. Anonymous

    December 21, 2013 at 9:19 pm

    @SGT Caz it all makes sense now. The three losses at the NFC championship games, and the botched clock management at the SuperBowl they lost, plus bringing in Terrell Owens. It all was a long con of Santa Reid Claus himself. And to think that Santa collaborated with Belichick a.k.a. satan, it’s just mind boggling.

  9. Anonymous

    December 21, 2013 at 10:57 am

    M_J That’s just a fantastic response. Almost as funny as the article itsself! Well played sir.

  10. SGT Caz

    December 21, 2013 at 10:25 am

    Precisely. What you’re seeing in this article is years of pent up rage towards his own fans coming out. Either that, or the former Eagles coach was a different version of Santa Reid that was finally killed in the Lincoln Field parking lot after an inexcusable 4-12 season.

  11. Anonymous

    December 20, 2013 at 9:36 am

    @ SGT Caz so Santa was actually coaching the Ealges before that and actually giving the Eagles false hope for all these years??!?!? wow, it all makes sense now

  12. SGT Caz

    December 19, 2013 at 9:37 pm

    I call bullshit. Santa is a Chiefs fan now, coaching them actually. He shaves his beard on every other night of the year and just leaves the mustache, but keeps the weight so he can use it to jostle Phillip Rivers out of the way when talking to the refs. I look at every other coach in the NFL and have to say “bro, do you even gift?” It’s been Christmas almost every Sunday in KC.

  13. M_J

    December 19, 2013 at 8:54 pm

    ….and you don’t know my username either (Milky_Jenkins)

  14. M_J

    December 19, 2013 at 8:52 pm

    Too bad you don’t know that I play for the CBS Fantasy football site and that my password is Num1Giantsphan

  15. Anonymous

    December 19, 2013 at 8:04 pm

    M_J I WILL HACK YOUR FANTASY FOOTBALL ACCOUNT TO WHERE ALL YOU HAVE IS BRANDON WEEDEN AS QB AND THE DALLAS COWBOYS DEFENSE.

  16. M_J

    December 19, 2013 at 5:13 pm

    Whoa this can’t be real. Santa does exist??

  17. Anonymous

    December 19, 2013 at 4:09 pm

    lol at all the eagles fans getting upset over this. great article, made me laugh

  18. Wally

    December 19, 2013 at 1:40 pm

    Andy Reid is already laughing his way to the playoffs while the Eagles manage to lose out to the Cowgirls.

  19. Anonymous

    December 19, 2013 at 1:03 pm

    …icy cold snowlocaust That’s funny.

  20. Anonymous

    December 19, 2013 at 12:49 pm

    The questions is…Have the Eagle fans done anything to redeem themselves from the Santa incident….other than the Bounty Bowl against the Cowgirls? If you answered No….you are correct.

  21. test

    December 19, 2013 at 12:42 pm

    I’m a fat old man, and I wasn’t even born yet when this happened. Can’t you find something to lampoon thats a little more recent? I mean, Richard Nixon was still President ELECT. We hadn’t landed on the moon yet. This story might as well have been in Technicolor.

  22. Anonymous

    December 19, 2013 at 12:21 pm

    *Sneauxleauxcost

  23. Mark

    December 19, 2013 at 10:50 am

    Just tried to read an ‘edited’ version of this to my 9 year old. Between my laughing, he just said ‘Blimey, the Patriots must’ve really upset Santa this year as well’.;D

  24. jc

    December 19, 2013 at 9:50 am

    Was completely waiting for an A. Pete punch line…???

  25. Anonymous

    December 19, 2013 at 9:29 am

    cause the 49ers where red and white??

  26. ifhss

    December 19, 2013 at 9:08 am

    lol why the hell would santa be a 49er??? BTW i liked this article forget what that guy says… well most of it anyway, except the 49er part

  27. Seattle Muse

    December 19, 2013 at 9:06 am

    @boring, Are you serious? This is the best NFL site on the www. You need to get up to speed. (surely you can’t be serious….can you?)

  28. boring

    December 19, 2013 at 8:52 am

    Yeah this typo riddled post screams “i’m new to blogging, so check me outz!” Overused all-cap style lined with shock jock profanity makes this post one of the strangest blog’inz I’ve ever seen. Listen, I can’t dunk, so I don’t. You’re not funny, so.. you know

  29. Seattle Muse

    December 19, 2013 at 8:29 am

    I saw Silver Linings Playbook; same fans now as 1968.

  30. Dipak Gohil (@Dipak__Gohil)

    December 19, 2013 at 7:51 am

    they throw away games, too. the NFL would be a lot harder without them. if only we could find a way to throw their scummy fans into an al-quaeda convention.

  31. Nemo

    December 19, 2013 at 7:26 am

    But I’ve seen Eagles fans throw lantern batteries at people. Hell if they didn’t need them to drive home from the gane, some would’ve chucked car batteries. #wasatthebountybowl

  32. Jolly Saint Steve

    December 19, 2013 at 7:17 am

    As one of those dickheads from Philly. LET. IT. GO. My father was ten when that shit happened! Since then, there have been fights, murders, and thrown shit in tons of towns, but people hanging on to “Snowballs at Santa” are like the cowboy fans who hang on to the nineties. Just sad.

    • AnonyMOOSE

      December 21, 2014 at 5:56 pm

      Must be jealous that you have no superbowls.

  33. Anonymous

    December 19, 2013 at 7:02 am

    They throw whatever they can. Batteries, snowballs, their infant children, you name it.

  34. Alf

    December 19, 2013 at 6:27 am

    I thought Philly fans chucked batteries, not snowballs…

  35. Anonymous

    December 19, 2013 at 3:27 am

    There is a typo in the last line. I believe you meant “black coal”, not “black cool”.

    Good article, otherwise. I chuckled.

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