Saints Owner Breaks Fifteen Bones, Fractures Skull, While Filming “Undercover Boss”
NEW ORLEANS, LA – Unbeknownst to his coaches and players, Saints owner Tom Benson, 86, donned a set of pads and a uniform to play strong safety in the team’s 38-17 victory against the Miami Dolphins Monday night as part of the ABC reality television series “Undercover Boss,” and in the process broke fifteen bones and fractured his skull in several places, Saints team officials confirmed early this morning.
“Mr Benson’s condition remains stable, though he’s clearly in a great deal of pain,” said Dr. Horace Alders of the Tulane Medical Center, where Benson was rushed immediately following the game. “His injuries are every bit as gruesome and horrifying as you might expect when a fragile octogenarian is pummeled repeatedly by massive professional athletes who are charging toward him at full speed while wearing heavy equipment. Honestly, I don’t know what Mr. Benson was thinking pulling a stunt like that.”
Benson, using the pseudonym “Jake Youngfellow,” introduced himself to the rest of the Saints defensive starters just before kickoff, stating, “Howdy-ho, fellow gridiron enthusiasts of the National Football League. My name’s Jake, and I’m here to help you fellows wallop those Miami scallywags and give those rascals a good what-for. Now let’s go make some tackles and sacks, eh?”
Generally, company CEOs who participate in the reality series do so to catch their employees misbehaving in some manner. For Benson however, that plan went horribly awry right from the opening series when 250 lb Dolphins TE Charles Clay leveled Benson with a vicious run block that sent the arthritic senior citizen flying backwards a full twelve yards.
Benson later had the misfortune of a fumbled ball landing directly at his feet, immediately followed by over a dozen players from both teams crashing on top of the owner in a giant pileup.
“Our sympathies go out to Tom Benson, and we wish him a speedy recovery,” said Boss executive producer Stephen Lambert. “In fact, we wish him to recover by no later than this coming Saturday. We need a full three to five weeks of footage to make an episode of Undercover Boss, so I expect him back in the starting lineup when the Saints play the Bears this weekend. A contract is a contract, Mr. Benson.”