Ryan Tannehill Slices Open Dolphins Mascot, Climbs Inside For Warmth During New England Game
FOXBOROUGH, MA – During the fourth quarter of his team’s 41-13 loss against the New England Patriots, Miami QB Ryan Tannehill attempted to protect himself from what he called, “the nut-freezing cold in this goddamn ice bucket of a stadium,” by slicing open “T.D.” the Dolphins’ longtime team mascot, and climbing inside the bloody, entrails-gushing wound for warmth, disgusted team sources confirmed today.
“This may smell bad kid, but it’ll keep you warm” Tannehill assured himself as he entered the oozing corpse. After getting his first whiff of the stench given off by the festering creature, the third year QB added, “And I thought they stunk badly on the outside!”
Despite the fact that the temperature at kickoff, a mere 39 degrees, would not seem unreasonably cool to most people, Tannehill claimed to be unprepared for the Boston chill.
“Look, I was born and raised in Texas,” Tannehill said while poking his head out from the mascot’s torso. “I went to college at Texas A&M. And now I live in sunny Miami. I’m not prepared for this cold New England climate. I’m sorry that I had to slaughter our mascot to make myself a nice, cozy parka, but it had to be done. I was freezing my nuts off, and my jacket was way the hell back in the locker room. What other choice did I have?”
Regina Caine, spokesperson for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA), initially decried Tannehill’s act as “yet another senseless, brutal murder of one of the animal kingdom’s sweetest, most innocent creatures.” Once informed however that T.D. was not an actual dolphin, but rather a 33-year old man inside an artificial costume, Caine said, “Oh, it was a human being that got hurt? Well in that case, fuck ‘im.”