Hey, does anyone remember back in February when I wrote that I...
Roger Goodell’s “Evil Twin” Turns Out To Be Pretty Cool Guy
FORT LAUDERDALE, FL – Reggie Goodell, the identical twin separated at birth from NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, has turned out to be a totally cool guy, and not at all as “evil” as he had been described, sources reported late yesterday.
“Reggie? Oh man, he’s awesome,” said Mike and Lorelei Fitzpatrick, who met the 53 year old Goodell at a karaoke bar in Fort Lauderdale, FL this past Tuesday. “We hung out with him for a couple of hours, talking about all kinds of football stuff. He said he thought the Saints got royally screwed in those Bountygate suspensions. And he also said he would have handled the referee strike way differently than his brother. He was just a really chill dude, you know?”
“As soon as he heard that I rooted for the Cowboys, and that my buddy was a Redskins fan, he bought us both a round of drinks,” recalled Kyle Willams, 25. “He said it was the least he could do after his bro had stripped our teams of a bunch of salary cap money unfairly last year.”
For years, Roger Goodell has warned others to stay away from his twin brother, whom the commissioner has described as “nefarious,” “irksome,” and “simply intolerable.”
“My brother Reggie is a scourge upon this Earth,” the NFL leader told reporters today.” He is evil and not to be trusted. I warn you all to stay away from him. And if you do bump into him, disregard anything he tells you about my plans for global domination.”
“Because of course, I don’t have any. Plans for global domination that is,” added the commissioner hastily. “Forget I even mentioned that part. Just don’t listen to anything he says, is the point.”
“All I know is, Reggie Goodell is one great guy,” said Jeff Harrison. “When he heard what my last name was, he paid for my entire bar tab, because of all the fines that his brother had levied against (former Steelers LB) James Harrison over the years. I told him that it wasn’t necessary, and that I wasn’t related to that other guy, but he said he wanted to do it, ‘as a karmic gesture to Harrisons everywhere.’ Man, what a cool dude.”
“I am warning NFL fans everywhere: pay no attention to my evil twin brother,” said Roger Goodell, his nostrils flaring. “He is repugnant and awful, and if he ever dares cross my path again, I will erase him from this world like he was nothing more than a vital piece of Patriots Spygate evidence.”