Roger Goodell’s “Evil Twin” Turns Out To Be Pretty Cool Guy

By
Updated: December 11, 2013

FORT LAUDERDALE, FL – Reggie Goodell, the identical twin separated at birth from NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, has turned out to be a totally cool guy, and not at all as “evil” as he had been described, sources reported late yesterday.

Above: the "evil" Reggie Goodell, last seen leading a congo line at Shaker's Beach Pub in Fort Lauderdale, FL.

Above: the “evil” Reggie Goodell, last seen leading a conga line at Shaker’s Beach Pub in Fort Lauderdale, FL.

 

“Reggie? Oh man, he’s awesome,” said Mike and Lorelei Fitzpatrick, who met the 53 year old Goodell at a karaoke bar in Fort Lauderdale, FL this past Tuesday. “We hung out with him for a couple of hours, talking about all kinds of football stuff. He said he thought the Saints got royally screwed in those Bountygate suspensions. And he also said he would have handled the referee strike way differently than his brother. He was just a really chill dude, you know?”

 

“As soon as he heard that I rooted for the Cowboys, and that my buddy was a Redskins fan, he bought us both a round of drinks,” recalled Kyle Willams, 25. “He said it was the least he could do after his bro had stripped our teams of a bunch of salary cap money unfairly last year.”

 

For years, Roger Goodell has warned others to stay away from his twin brother, whom the commissioner has described as “nefarious,” “irksome,” and “simply intolerable.”

 

“My brother Reggie is a scourge upon this Earth,” the NFL leader told reporters today.” He is evil and not to be trusted. I warn you all to stay away from him. And if you do bump into him, disregard anything he tells you about my plans for global domination.”

 

“Because of course, I don’t have any. Plans for global domination that is,” added the commissioner hastily. “Forget I even mentioned that part. Just don’t listen to anything he says, is the point.”

 

Above: the "not evil" Roger Goodell, last seen kicking puppies and popping balloons held by orphans

Above: the “not evil” Roger Goodell, last seen kicking puppies and popping balloons held by orphans

“All I know is, Reggie Goodell is one great guy,” said Jeff Harrison. “When he heard what my last name was, he paid for my entire bar tab, because of all the fines that his brother had levied against (former Steelers LB) James Harrison over the years. I told him that it wasn’t necessary, and that I wasn’t related to that other guy, but he said he wanted to do it, ‘as a karmic gesture to Harrisons everywhere.’ Man, what a cool dude.”

 

“I am warning NFL fans everywhere: pay no attention to my evil twin brother,” said Roger Goodell, his nostrils flaring. “He is repugnant and awful, and if he ever dares cross my path again, I will erase him from this world like he was nothing more than a vital piece of Patriots Spygate evidence.”

 

6 Comments

  1. Daniel Thrall

    December 11, 2013 at 5:00 am

    caption on the last photo is the best

  2. Deanthony

    December 11, 2013 at 6:45 am

    As a Pats fan, that Spygate line killed me. Well done.

  3. Ben Roethlisberger

    December 11, 2013 at 8:15 am

    This article serves as an interesting foray on the philosophic concept of the duality of man…

  4. Ben Roethlisberger

    December 11, 2013 at 9:54 am

    That last comment would have been much funnier had it been from “smart” twin “Ken Roethlisberger”

  5. Anonymous

    December 11, 2013 at 1:28 pm

    Because Ben Roethlisberger is dumb you see.

  6. Anonymous

    December 11, 2013 at 2:27 pm

    This story is funny because roger goodell is relly evil and the opposite of evil is evil

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>