Roger Goodell Suspended Indefinitely From Bedroom By Wife

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Updated: September 10, 2014

BRONXVILLE, NY – In yet another wave of fallout from the Ray Rice scandal which continues to swirl over the American sports landscape, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell has been indefinitely suspended from the bedroom of his wife, Jane Skinner, and is banned from “all official couple-related activities, amorous or otherwise, until further notice is given, subject to the discretion of Ms. Goodell, who retains final authority over all such matters,” it was reported earlier today.

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“When Roger initially punished Ray Rice with a two game suspension for the awful act of domestic violence, I determined that a two day punishment of ‘the silent treatment’ was to be levied upon him,” Ms. Skinner told reporters. “However, in light of the shocking new video that we all saw this week, as well as the allegations that Roger is being insincere when he claims to have never seen this footage before, I have come to the decision that Roger’s previous punishment was not sufficient. Therefore, effective immediately, Roger will be barred from our marital bed and all surrounding areas from now until I see fit to rule otherwise.”

 

Mrs. Goodell would not rule out giving the embattled commissioner a chance at reinstatement, however.

 

“I do believe that everyone is entitled to a second chance in life, so yes, it is possible that Roger may one day leave the couch and resume his presence in our bedroom activities. But such a move would only be possible after appropriate levels of contrition have been conveyed via flowers, chocolate, and several generous monetary donations to battered women’s shelters. Until such a time as that occurs, Roger will remain banned from our bedroom, and his spot will be filled with a free agent of my choosing. I’m thinking Manolo, that sweaty gardener who trims our hedges on Thursdays.”

(Article concept suggested by PFM reader Brian Spinner)

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