Roger Goodell: “Fuck It, I’m Suspending Everyone”
That’s it. I have HAD it with all you little turds. I swear, it seems like I can’t get through a single day on this damn job without finding out about one of you dumbass players getting arrested, failing a blood test, or assaulting a fan. I’M SICK OF IT.
You know what? Fuck it, I’M SUSPENDING EVERYONE.
THAT’S RIGHT, IM TALKING TO YOU, VON MILLER. Fucking dumbass. You smoke dope, you take ‘roids, and you think that accidentally “dropping” your urine sample at a drug test gets you off the hook? GUESS AGAIN, WEEDHEAD. YOU’RE SUSPENDED!
And YOU, Antonio Smith. While I’m trying to improve the league’s safety image with rules like “no leading with the head” and “no hits on a defenseless receiver,” YOU go and yank off Richie Incognito’s helmet and swing it at his face like a goddamn cinder block? WELL NOW I GET TO SMASH YOU RIGHT IN YOUR FACE WITH MY BIG SUSPENSION FIST!
Don’t look so smug, Incognito. You’re not off the hook. Not after you went into thug mode and took a swing at a Miami nightclub bouncer. SO NOW YOU GET TO DRINK THIS NICE TALL COCKTAIL OF “YOU’RE-SUSPENDED” JUICE!
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU MORONS? SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE A FUCKING KINDERGARTEN TEACHER WITH THE WAY YOU IMMATURE MAGGOTS KEEP PULLING THIS STUPID CRAP!
Okay, who else needs a good old fashioned suspendin’? How ‘bout all you P.E.D. pillpoppers? Hey Bruce Irvin, Justin Blackmon, Josh Gordon and Isiah Pead: GET READY TO BULK UP WITH THIS INJECTION OF HUMAN SUSPENSION HORMONES, DIPSHITS!
Oh, but I’m not done yet. As mad as I am right now, I’m just getting warmed up.
Hey guy who cut me off in traffic the other day near the Queensboro Bridge? YOU JUST TOOK A WRONG TURN INTO SUSPENSIONVILLE, ASSHOLE!
And you, annoying dog two doors down from my house who barks nonstop every morning from 5:00 to 6:00 am. I’m gonna SMACK YOU RIGHT ON THE NOSE WITH THIS ROLLED UP SUSPENSION, FIDO!
Hey Anne-Marie Preston, remember me? I sat behind you in 8th grade Social Studies at Roosevelt Elementary School. I was the guy that asked you to the Spring Fling Dance in 1972, only to have you laugh in my face and call me “Rathead Roger” while all your friends watched and giggled. Well now you can TWERK YOUR ASS TO A LITTLE TUNE CALLED THE SUSPENSION SHUFFLE, BITCH!
So don’t test me people, because if you cross me I’ll suspend the living shit out of you too. Don’t think I’l do it? Just test me, motherfuckers. Because I will travel the length and breadth of this land tossing out handfuls of suspensions like Johnny fucking Appleseed. I’VE BEEN PUSHED TOO FAR PEOPLE, NOW IMMA SUSPEND ANYTHING THAT FUCKING MOVES!