Roger Goodell Fines Vernon Davis’ Penis $500,000

Organ Guilty Of "Leading With Its Head," Says NFL Commissioner

By
Updated: December 3, 2013

NEW YORK –  After 49ers TE Vernon Davis was brought down Sunday by Rams safety T.J. McDonald with a blatant grab to the crotch, Davis complained that the NFL should outlaw such tackles. But in a surprising turn of events, Goodell has opted instead to hand down a $500,000 fine to the tight end’s penis for the play in question.

SAN FRANCISCO 49ers TE VERNON DAVIS

 

“My enormous staff and I have reviewed the game film, and I’ve come to the conclusion that the penis of Vernon Davis is guilty of leading with its head,” stated Goodell at a Tuesday morning press conference. “The rules state very clearly that a balls carrier is not allowed to thrust forward in such a manner. I am left with no choice but to hit the penis where it hurts to be sure this sort of behavior does not rise again.”

 

McDonald, frustrated at being labeled a “dirty player” for his tackle, applauded the decision.

 

“Today’s level headed ruling by Commissioner Goodell proves that I did nothing wrong on Sunday,” said McDonald. “It’s clear that Vernon Davis’ penis was flopping during my tackle. There’s absolutely no wiggle room here.”

 

The $500,000 fine, (believed to be the largest handed down to a single piece of genitalia since Antonio Cromartie was penalized several million dollars for not wearing its helmet), will be collected by the league office in dribs, drabs and spurts.

 

“This penalty is highly unjust,” said Davis of the ruling on his penis. “The commissioner is just yanking me around here. These allegations are a bunch of hot air, which amounts to nothing more than a real blow-job, if you will.”

 

Despite his indignation however, Davis claimed he has no plans to fight the ruling.

 

“It would be hard, so very very hard for my penis to erect a defense against a charge like this,” stated Davis. “An action like that would require it to go back-and-forth with Goodell, over and over again, pushing and pulling and pushing and pulling, and I’d probably end up with nothing but a big mess on my hands.”

42 Comments

  1. Jimi Alexander

    December 3, 2013 at 10:37 am

    The double entendres…oh lord, I’m dying.

  2. Big Ben

    December 3, 2013 at 10:42 am

    Pretty ballsy decision on Goodell’s part. Eh? Eh? Get it? I said “ballsy” as if I’m talking about his testicles.

  3. Jeremy C

    December 3, 2013 at 10:48 am

    Enormous staff lol

  4. Ben Roethlisberger

    December 3, 2013 at 11:08 am

    It’s funny because…. Ah hell, these jokes are too obvious even for me.

  5. Anonymous

    December 3, 2013 at 11:29 am

    Not a single accusation of spearing? For shame…

  6. Mark

    December 3, 2013 at 12:04 pm

    It would never stand up in Court.

  7. Richie

    December 3, 2013 at 12:07 pm

    If you don’t stop impersonating Ben (or at least get funny), I’m going to find you and I’m going to break your God damn fingers so you can never type these pitiful attempts at humor ever again. So help you God if you even think about voice to text. I will rip out your fucking esophagus and feed it to my rottweilers. Either that, or I will just stop reading the comment section. I’m kinda leaning towards the first option though so be warned. And don’t go crying to the admins. That’s some pussy shit.

  8. Dr X

    December 3, 2013 at 12:14 pm

    Those tags… hahaha

  9. PFM Staff

    December 3, 2013 at 12:44 pm

    ANONYMOUS: “Not a single accusation of spearing? For shame…”

    Yeah, that was a real boner on our part.

  10. bobman2

    December 3, 2013 at 1:07 pm

    Ritchie, man, haven’t you learned not to put things like this in writing? Just get traded to the Steelers, and when Ben is about to be sacked up high, go down low at his knees to make him into one of those funny pretzel shapes we all love. Then claim it was not your fault due to PTSD and all your “head injuries.”

    Head injuries…? Hey, did this article mention anyone getting flagged for a blow to the head? If not, another big oversight.

  11. David

    December 3, 2013 at 1:52 pm

    Richie, you come off as a total loser. Get a life. Ben impersonators, keep it up! Even if it isn’t funny, Richie’s mental breakdown will be…

  12. James

    December 3, 2013 at 2:40 pm

    Frankly, I fail to see any rock hard evidence here

  13. Mark

    December 3, 2013 at 2:48 pm

    I agree. Close but no cigar.

  14. Anonymous

    December 3, 2013 at 3:10 pm

    “Rock hard evidence” that’s good!

  15. Richie "No Longer" Incognito

    December 3, 2013 at 3:12 pm

    Well I’m glad at least one person got it.

  16. xraiderfan

    December 3, 2013 at 3:36 pm

    Stop dicking around and get back to work.

  17. IFHSS

    December 3, 2013 at 3:59 pm

    I actually agree with richie…. leave those ben comments for the convos…

  18. Rocco

    December 3, 2013 at 4:17 pm

    Love that tag. “No YOU have the sense of humor of a 14 year old!”

  19. Anonymous

    December 3, 2013 at 4:30 pm

    Wow, I bet David is throbbing and pulsating with anger right now.

  20. Anonymous

    December 3, 2013 at 4:32 pm

    DAMN AUTOCORRECT.

    OK, new pun. I Bet Davis was really PENIS about the fine.

    I’m not good at puns.

  21. Ben Roethlisberger

    December 3, 2013 at 7:06 pm

    IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE RICHIE’S INCOGNITO!

  22. Ben Roethlisberger

    December 3, 2013 at 7:12 pm

    ^^ IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE INCOGNITO MEANS IN DISGUISE AND IT’S HIS LAST NAME!

  23. Anonymous

    December 3, 2013 at 9:50 pm

    Come on guys, if anything it would be encroachment on the defense, illegal use of the hands or at the very least off sides

  24. Anonymous

    December 3, 2013 at 9:54 pm

    that’s quite a reacharound

  25. Carol Duffert

    December 3, 2013 at 10:09 pm

    I am in shock, I cannot believe the NFL Commissioner would charge a player such a fine, since it was Vernon Davis who was the one taking the hit, which the other player should not have had his hands where they were, such a bad situation, I happen to agree with Vernon Davis, why fight it, for some reason the Commissioner has it out for the 49ers it seems. Really some these officials should be charged with not really calling the right calls.

  26. 49er girl

    December 3, 2013 at 10:30 pm

    Maybe Te commisioner is just jealous cause he didnt get to reach around first ……. just saying

  27. Anonymous

    December 4, 2013 at 12:29 am

    ….does this person “carol” think this is serious or is it just a troll? Cause anyone that thinks this is real has to be Ben roethlisberger retarded. Believe it or not some people believe these 0_0

  28. Anonymous

    December 4, 2013 at 3:54 am

    Vernon Davis. Sorry all this happen to you. Just keep playing hard and keep your head in the game…

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  30. Tim

    December 4, 2013 at 4:37 am

    Breaking news: Vernon Davis fined another $500,000 because of a double dribble penalty….

  31. Anonymous

    December 4, 2013 at 6:45 am

    you guys don’t get it, do you? that’s actually the REAL Ben Roethlisberger making those comments. BECAUSE HE’S ACTUALLY REALLY THAT DUMB, YOU SEE! good job, ben, keep pissing people off so that they start ranting and make a total ass of themselves for us to see and enjoy!

  32. Anonymous

    December 4, 2013 at 9:43 am

    Vernon Davis is definitely shaking his head after that fine…not to mention the head on top of his shoulders too

  33. Anonymous

    December 4, 2013 at 10:22 am

    Can’t believe there’s no comment on the best line… Cromartie’s penis being fined several million for not wearing its helmet.

    IT’S FUNNY CAUSE HE GOT A LOT OF WOMEN PREGNANT CAUSE HE’S TOO STUPID TO WEAR CONDOMS

  34. Anonymous

    December 4, 2013 at 11:40 am

    The tags were the best part.
    No YOU have the mind of a 14 year old.
    Lololol

  35. Anonymous

    December 4, 2013 at 3:20 pm

    Is this for real?

  36. Anonymous

    December 4, 2013 at 3:35 pm

    ….Goodell is such a hard-on about Vernon Davis’ head-leader. What kind of dickery is this?

  37. Anonymous

    December 4, 2013 at 5:47 pm

    Hey Carol are you blonde

  38. John Martin

    December 5, 2013 at 12:55 pm

    I just can’t take this juvenile behavior anymore! Mooommmyyy!!!!

  39. Goetz von Berlichingen

    December 7, 2013 at 9:11 am

    You missed this part of the original article, PFM Staff:
    “When informed of the size of the fine, Davis ejaculated ‘Oh my God! I think I’m having a stroke. Did I hear that right? Come again? Come again?’
    Sources within the 49er’s camp stated that they expect the talented tight end to be ready to go ‘balls out’ in Sunday’s critical tussle with the Seahawks.”

    Geez, PFM I come here to get the full story. Now I’m not sure how much of your stuff I should swallow.

  40. Anonymous

    December 7, 2013 at 10:25 am

    Yeah right, “Richie” …we see you Aaron Rodgers, go back to threatening Russell Wilson.

  41. Anonymous

    December 13, 2013 at 1:47 pm

    McDonald is being so cocky about this ruling, he should really be more honest. Cum on man!

  42. Ben R.

    December 16, 2013 at 6:11 pm

    I THINK DAVIS IS TALKING ABOUT A HANDJOB

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