Roger Goodell Fines Vernon Davis’ Penis $500,000
Organ Guilty Of "Leading With Its Head," Says NFL Commissioner
NEW YORK – After 49ers TE Vernon Davis was brought down Sunday by Rams safety T.J. McDonald with a blatant grab to the crotch, Davis complained that the NFL should outlaw such tackles. But in a surprising turn of events, Goodell has opted instead to hand down a $500,000 fine to the tight end’s penis for the play in question.
“My enormous staff and I have reviewed the game film, and I’ve come to the conclusion that the penis of Vernon Davis is guilty of leading with its head,” stated Goodell at a Tuesday morning press conference. “The rules state very clearly that a balls carrier is not allowed to thrust forward in such a manner. I am left with no choice but to hit the penis where it hurts to be sure this sort of behavior does not rise again.”
McDonald, frustrated at being labeled a “dirty player” for his tackle, applauded the decision.
“Today’s level headed ruling by Commissioner Goodell proves that I did nothing wrong on Sunday,” said McDonald. “It’s clear that Vernon Davis’ penis was flopping during my tackle. There’s absolutely no wiggle room here.”
The $500,000 fine, (believed to be the largest handed down to a single piece of genitalia since Antonio Cromartie was penalized several million dollars for not wearing its helmet), will be collected by the league office in dribs, drabs and spurts.
“This penalty is highly unjust,” said Davis of the ruling on his penis. “The commissioner is just yanking me around here. These allegations are a bunch of hot air, which amounts to nothing more than a real blow-job, if you will.”
Despite his indignation however, Davis claimed he has no plans to fight the ruling.
“It would be hard, so very very hard for my penis to erect a defense against a charge like this,” stated Davis. “An action like that would require it to go back-and-forth with Goodell, over and over again, pushing and pulling and pushing and pulling, and I’d probably end up with nothing but a big mess on my hands.”