Roger Goodell Dreams He’s at Draft Completely Naked
WESTCHESTER, NY – NFL commissioner Roger Goodell had a crazy dream last night where he showed up to Thursday’s annual college draft thirty minutes late, and completely naked, sources confirmed early Wednesday.
“Let me tell you about this really weird dream I had last night,” Goodell reportedly told his wife Jane over a breakfast of flaxseed oatmeal and cantaloupe slices. “It was Thursday night and I was at Radio City Music Hall, and I was in this big panic because the draft was supposed to have started a half hour earlier, but I was running around backstage and I couldn’t find the stage door. And I’m freaking out thinking about how ESPN must be wondering where I am, and they must have Chris Berman and Mel Kiper filling for time, and no one wants that, obviously. And then, finally, I get to the stage door, and I run out to announce the first pick, and I suddenly realize that I’m completely naked!”
“But it gets worse!” continued the Commissioner. “With each selection that I announce, I gain ten pounds of belly fat. Seriously! And by the time I’m getting to the playoff teams down around pick number twenty, my gut is starting to sag down to my knees. Why are you laughing? I know, it’s a silly dream, but honey, it felt so real!”
“Okay, so here’s the kicker. Finally, it’s the end of the first round, and I must weigh at least 500 pounds, easily. I can barely waddle my way out to the podium for the Eagles’ selection. But, suddenly I realize that I can’t announce the Eagles’ selection, because I somehow sensed that if my body gained any more weight, I would explode right there on stage. Like, I just somehow magically knew that was what would happen, you know? But the entire theater is stone silent and everyone is staring at me, and the cameras are rolling, and I can feel sweat rolling down the fat rolls of my back, and I don’t know what else to do, so I lean in to the microphone, and reading off the index card in my hand, I say, ‘with the 32nd and final pick of the first round, the Philadelphia Eagles select power forward Gordon Shumway, out of The Pennsylvania State University New Kensington Campus of the Commonwealth College,’ and suddenly I feel this rumbling from deep inside my stomach, and it gets stronger and stronger, and louder and louder, and then, KA-BOOOOM, I blow up in this giant fiery mushroom cloud that takes out the entire arena. And that was when I woke up.”
“What? What do you mean, ‘Why did the Eagles have the last pick?’ Because in this dream world, the Eagles won the Super Bowl. That was the crazy part! Haven’t you been listening?”