Rifle Wielding Lauren Tannehill Seizes Control Of Dolphins Headquarters

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Updated: January 16, 2014

MIAMI – With a bloodthirsty cry of “Viva la resistance,” Lauren Tannehill, wife of Miami QB Ryan Tannehill, staged a violent coup early this morning and seized control of Dolphins headquarters, taking dozens of frightened coaches and players hostage while her embarrassed looking husband shuffled along sheepishly behind her.

LAUREN TANNEHILL TAKES OVER MIAMI DOLPHINS HEADQUARTERS

 

“Citizens of Miami. The revolution has begun,” the blonde haired, green eyed Tannehill said on a pre-taped message delivered to local news outlets shortly after the siege began  “Today begins a new chapter in Miami Dolphins history. No longer will the tyrants and the despots force you to settle for mediocrity. No longer will our city watch helplessly as draft pick after draft pick is squandered away. No longer will a team whose success could really help boost the modeling career of a player’s spouse be allowed instead to miss the playoffs time and time again. Effective immediately, I declare myself, Lauren Tannehill, the team’s new general manager, director of player personnel, and Emperor for life. All hail Queen Lauren!”

 

Earlier this week, the 26-year old Tannehill, reportedly left an automatic AR-15 rifle in the trunk of a rental car at the Ft. Lauderdale-Hollywood International Airport. After being discovered by a subsequent customer, the rifle was returned to the rental company, who then delivered the weapon back to Tannehill, unwittingly supplying her with the final piece of her revolutionary plan

 

“We deeply regret returning Ms. Tannehill’s rifle to her yesterday,” said Mehrdad Memarpouri, president of E-Z Rental Car, Inc. “Had we known this deadly assault weapon would be used for her illegal, bloody conquest of the Miami Dolphins franchise, we certainly would have asked her to fill out some sort of form first.”

 

As FBI and S.W.A.T. officials surrounded the Dolphins compound, the 32-25-31 Tannehill issued a series of demands.

 

“By my executive order, I hereby decree that Richie Incognito will be reinstated to the Miami roster and named head of team security and military operations,“ said Tannehill while numerous linebackers and safeties trembled fearfully behind her. “Furthermore, I declare the traitor Jonathan Martin to be immediately incarcerated in our newly remodeled team dungeon, without benefit of trial. There he will join Joe Philbin, Jeff Ireland, and all the other incompetent enemies of the state whose pathetic reign of failure has finally come to an end.”

 

“Lastly, I demand that fifty million dollars of salary cap space be provided to the team in small, unmarked bills, to be used on a free agent spending spree of blocking fullbacks, quality ball carriers, and effective red zone receivers. Maybe then SOME people will finally finish in the top five of QB rankings so that their beautiful wives can get that sweet modeling contract with Calvin Klein that she’s had her eye on for two years now.”

 

“These are my demands, Miami, and they are non-negotiable,” concluded Tannehill with a flip of her golden hair. “You have one hour to comply, or so help me I will leave a trail of bloody practice squad players from here to South Beach. DO NOT FUCK WITH ME.”

Leave a Reply

15 Comments

  1. Jay Cutler

    April 21, 2014 at 8:47 am

    NOOOOOOOOO!!!! Now he will appear.

  2. Ben Rothlesberger

    March 24, 2014 at 9:15 am

    It’s funny becasue McNabb didn’t know what a tie is.

  3. Donovan McNabb

    March 24, 2014 at 9:14 am

    Ties? What’s a tie?

  4. URTEAMSUX658

    January 23, 2014 at 7:22 pm

    nd u no whut dey say bout tiez…

  5. Sam Bradford

    January 23, 2014 at 12:31 pm

    32-25-31? Is that her W/L/T record? If so, that’s a lot of ties…

  6. Ryan Tannehill

    January 19, 2014 at 11:06 am

    Lauren, please, if this has to do with my penis, I swear I can make it up to you.

  7. Anonymous

    January 19, 2014 at 5:11 am

    nice job, Ben…. Amazing what a missing “-” does to a headline….

  8. Anonymous

    January 17, 2014 at 4:03 pm

    That’s something you don’t see everyday… an article about Lauren Tannehill not related to sex. Where’s Ben Roethlisberger to explain this one?

  9. Ben Roethlisberger

    January 17, 2014 at 10:48 am

    BECAUSE A RIFLE IS WIELDING LAUREN TANNEHILL, YOU SEE.

  10. Darth Belichick

    January 17, 2014 at 10:22 am

    Glad to see SOMEONE in Miami trying to replicate the Patriot Way.

  11. Anonymous

    January 17, 2014 at 9:00 am

    This just in, fake NFL sportswriters show unnatural obsession over cookie cutter blonde.

  12. Mortimer Snerd

    January 16, 2014 at 4:59 pm

    AR-15 isn’t an automatic. Even later M-4’s and M-16’s aren’t automatic – 3-shot burst mode.

    That said, she may have the right idea. Install Don Shula as President for Life and start funneling money into team coffers by using the secret interbank codes. You know – the ones the twits were looking for in Rainbow 6…

  13. Anonymous

    January 16, 2014 at 1:40 pm

    I knew there’d b an article about this lol. As much as it pains me to read what she’s gonna fix with the team, its true lol

  14. Anonymous

    January 16, 2014 at 11:55 am

    Blondes with assault rifles…you knew this wouldn’t end well.

  15. @MatthewStafford

    January 16, 2014 at 11:22 am

    Ben Roethlisberger and Tom Brady may never stop staring at that picture.

    Aaron Rodgers, on the other hand…

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