ALTERNATE UNIVERSE: Ricky Williams: “No Thank You. I Don’t Care For Marijuana.”

"'Just Say No' Is My Motto," Claims Legendary RB

Updated: August 9, 2013

MIAMI, FL – According to alternate universe sources, retired Miami Dolphins RB Ricky Williams, while attending a housewarming party at a friend’s condominium, was taken aback by an offer to inhale from a “joint” that was being passed around, an offer to which the legendary rusher replied, “No, thank you. I don’t really care much for marijuana.”

Miami Dolphins RB Ricky Williams

“Also, you should never wear dreadlocks. That’s the devil’s haircut.”


“I didn’t want to be rude, but what was I supposed to say? Marijuana is illegal, after all,” said Williams, still reeling from the encounter. “Hey, if those guys want to ruin their lives by smoking the ‘pot,’ and getting ‘wasted,’ that’s their problem. But I didn’t set the NFL’s single season rushing record as well as become the league’s all time yardage leader by dulling my senses with cannabis, that’s for sure.”


Williams, the 5th overall choice of the 1999 draft, played three years with the New Orleans Saints, before being traded to the Miami Dolphins where he electrified the league with his speed and power running skills throughout the 2000’s. As he dominated defenses, he also became renown as a passionate anti-drug crusader, giving speeches frequently at south Florida high schools encouraging teens to, “Just say no.”

Guy Passing a Marijuana Joint

“Sticky icky, Ricky?”

“It’s always been important to me to be a positive role model, to encourage others to avoid the dangers of ‘reefer,'” continued Williams. “That’s why I was so surprised when my friend tried to pass me one of those marijuana cigarettes at the party. Well, needless to say I left his house immediately, and I won’t be going back. I’ve always felt that any ‘friend’ who tries to offer you drugs isn’t really your friend at all.”


Although he’s been retired since 2011, the future Hall of Famer remains active in league circles by counseling current players with substance abuse issues.


“I’ve been working a lot with that poor Tim Tebow fellow lately,” concluded Williams. “It just breaks my heart to see him so addicted to the stoner lifestyle. All his arrests, all those stints in rehab. I really believe that if he hadn’t let himself become such a pothead, he could’ve been the most accurate QB the NFL has ever seen.”


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