Rex Ryan Asks Day Laborers Outside Home Depot If Any Of Them Know How To Play QB

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Updated: October 26, 2014

EAST HANOVER, NJ – In the wake of a disastrous 43-23 home loss to the Buffalo Bills, in which starter Geno Smith and backup Michael Vick combined for six total turnovers, Jets coach Rex Ryan drove to a nearby Home Depot earlier today to ask several day laborers outside the hardware superstore if any of them, “know how to play quarterback, and would be available for the next eight Sundays or so,” according to sources on the scene.

Rex Ryan Home Depot

 

“Hola, amigos,” the beleaguered head coach reportedly said to the dozen or so workers who approached his vehicle as he pulled into the store’s parking lot. “Como está bien? Any of you muchachos know how to throw El Pigskinno? Eh? Tosso La Touchdowns? No Interceptiónes? Interceptiónes no bien! Está Interestado?”

 

“Most of us speak Inglés reasonably well, sir,” replied Arturo Diaz, 37. “And sí, I can play American Football, if you like. Unfortunately, I’m not too sure how to throw a spiral or read a defense, but I know the basic rules. Throw to the men wearing the same uniform, yes?”

 

“YOU’RE HIRED!,” exclaimed Ryan, as he invited Diaz to enter his vehicle to ride to Jets headquarters in nearby Florham Park.

 

Ryan later told reporters he felt the Diaz signing could be just the spark his team needs to turn around the Jets horrendous 2014 season.

 

“We’re very excited to have Arturo stepping into our starting QB position,” Ryan said. “I’ve spent plenty of time during my career dealing with less than stellar Hispanic quarterbacks, so that experience should come in handy. He’s willing to play for $30 a day plus lunch, so there’s very little salary cap implications. And during down time between practices he’s already drywalled our new meeting room and put two coats of primer on our coaches’ lounge. So in that sense, he’s already contributed more to our franchise in one day than Geno Smith has in two years.”

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8 Comments

  1. TheOtherGuy

    October 29, 2014 at 9:49 am

    However, he soon left quickly after running into Mark Sanchez and things got awkward.

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  3. Ben Roethlisberger

    October 27, 2014 at 5:44 pm

    BECAUSE GENO SMITH SUCKS, YOU SEE.

  4. Director Rick

    October 27, 2014 at 2:48 pm

    I know I should probably consider how racist this is but I was too busy laughing. At least the facilities will look good for the new coaches next year (or maybe after their bye week)

  5. PFM Comments

    October 27, 2014 at 12:38 pm

    For once I was looking forward to a Ben comment.

  6. ifhss

    October 27, 2014 at 9:10 am

    If the qb convo is going to be this good, its going to be the best in a while!

  7. Dwight Clark

    October 26, 2014 at 6:07 pm

    Ryan’s making a mistake. Geno Smith’s drywall skills are incredibly undervalued.

    • Director Rick

      October 27, 2014 at 2:49 pm

      hahahahahahahahahahhha

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