Rex Ryan Asks Day Laborers Outside Home Depot If Any Of Them Know How To Play QB
EAST HANOVER, NJ – In the wake of a disastrous 43-23 home loss to the Buffalo Bills, in which starter Geno Smith and backup Michael Vick combined for six total turnovers, Jets coach Rex Ryan drove to a nearby Home Depot earlier today to ask several day laborers outside the hardware superstore if any of them, “know how to play quarterback, and would be available for the next eight Sundays or so,” according to sources on the scene.
“Hola, amigos,” the beleaguered head coach reportedly said to the dozen or so workers who approached his vehicle as he pulled into the store’s parking lot. “Como está bien? Any of you muchachos know how to throw El Pigskinno? Eh? Tosso La Touchdowns? No Interceptiónes? Interceptiónes no bien! Está Interestado?”
“Most of us speak Inglés reasonably well, sir,” replied Arturo Diaz, 37. “And sí, I can play American Football, if you like. Unfortunately, I’m not too sure how to throw a spiral or read a defense, but I know the basic rules. Throw to the men wearing the same uniform, yes?”
“YOU’RE HIRED!,” exclaimed Ryan, as he invited Diaz to enter his vehicle to ride to Jets headquarters in nearby Florham Park.
Ryan later told reporters he felt the Diaz signing could be just the spark his team needs to turn around the Jets horrendous 2014 season.
“We’re very excited to have Arturo stepping into our starting QB position,” Ryan said. “I’ve spent plenty of time during my career dealing with less than stellar Hispanic quarterbacks, so that experience should come in handy. He’s willing to play for $30 a day plus lunch, so there’s very little salary cap implications. And during down time between practices he’s already drywalled our new meeting room and put two coats of primer on our coaches’ lounge. So in that sense, he’s already contributed more to our franchise in one day than Geno Smith has in two years.”