REPORT: Ray Rice’s Struggles Due To Being Drafted By Pathetic Loser In Fantasy Football

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Updated: October 15, 2013
"in hindsight, I probably should have chosen LeSean McCoy. Also, I wish I would have kissed that girl back in '92."

Allenberg: “In hindsight, I probably should have chosen LeSean McCoy. Also, I wish I would have kissed that girl back in ’92.”

PALATINE, IL – If Hayden Allenberg could say one thing to Baltimore Ravens RB Ray Rice it would be a simple, “I’m sorry.”

 

Allenberg, a local telemarketer and fantasy football enthusiast, is reportedly the root cause of Rice’s disappointing season so far. On August 24th, the 42-year old selected Rice in his online fantasy draft and immediately tweeted out the boast, “Picked up Ray Rice with 10th pick in 1st round. #steal #yards&tds #rayrice”

 

The Rice hashtag was enough to set off alarms in Ravens GM Ozzie Newsome’s Owings Mills, Maryland office.

 

“Hayden Allenberg is a loser. An absolute kiss of death” said Newsome. “In 15 seasons he’s never finished higher than 7th in his twelve-team league. The guy’s a disaster. Every NFL team dreads seeing one of their players get chosen by him, for fear of the ‘Allenberg curse.'”

"Yo Allenberg. Our Steelers game Sunday is a must-win. Help a brother out and trade me straight up for Darren McFadden?"

“Yo Allenberg. Our Steelers game Sunday is a must-win. Help a brother out and trade me straight up for Darren McFadden?”

 

“It’s true,” confirmed Allenberg, owner and GM of the Bearly Legal fantasy football franchise from hell. “Every year I spend over 50 dollars on fantasy draft magazines and I pour over mock drafts for weeks. I subscribe to Rotoworld, Fantasy Insiders, the whole works. Yet every year, I suck,” he said from the tiny child sized desk that holds his laptop computer in the one bedroom apartment he shares with no one.

 

“Ain’t that a bitch?” said Rice, whose shockingly low 2013 totals through 6 games total a mere 197 yards on 71 carries for a 2.8 average per attempt. “All this time I thought the problem was a lack of offensive line cohesion and unimaginative play-calling. Turns out, it was this asshole from Illinois the whole time.”

 

Allenberg also took time to pass along his apologies to the rest of his starting lineup: Eli Manning, Maurice Jones-Drew, Roddy White, Miles Austin, and  Fred Davis.

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2 Comments

  1. Anonymous

    October 17, 2013 at 3:20 pm

    That’s really funny! I love it!

  2. Seth

    October 15, 2013 at 6:51 pm

    I SHOULD’VE KNOWN!

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