REPORT: Ray Rice’s Struggles Due To Being Drafted By Pathetic Loser In Fantasy Football
PALATINE, IL – If Hayden Allenberg could say one thing to Baltimore Ravens RB Ray Rice it would be a simple, “I’m sorry.”
Allenberg, a local telemarketer and fantasy football enthusiast, is reportedly the root cause of Rice’s disappointing season so far. On August 24th, the 42-year old selected Rice in his online fantasy draft and immediately tweeted out the boast, “Picked up Ray Rice with 10th pick in 1st round. #steal #yards&tds #rayrice”
The Rice hashtag was enough to set off alarms in Ravens GM Ozzie Newsome’s Owings Mills, Maryland office.
“Hayden Allenberg is a loser. An absolute kiss of death” said Newsome. “In 15 seasons he’s never finished higher than 7th in his twelve-team league. The guy’s a disaster. Every NFL team dreads seeing one of their players get chosen by him, for fear of the ‘Allenberg curse.'”
“It’s true,” confirmed Allenberg, owner and GM of the Bearly Legal fantasy football franchise from hell. “Every year I spend over 50 dollars on fantasy draft magazines and I pour over mock drafts for weeks. I subscribe to Rotoworld, Fantasy Insiders, the whole works. Yet every year, I suck,” he said from the tiny child sized desk that holds his laptop computer in the one bedroom apartment he shares with no one.
“Ain’t that a bitch?” said Rice, whose shockingly low 2013 totals through 6 games total a mere 197 yards on 71 carries for a 2.8 average per attempt. “All this time I thought the problem was a lack of offensive line cohesion and unimaginative play-calling. Turns out, it was this asshole from Illinois the whole time.”
Allenberg also took time to pass along his apologies to the rest of his starting lineup: Eli Manning, Maurice Jones-Drew, Roddy White, Miles Austin, and Fred Davis.
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