Report: Bill Belichick Seen Using Force Lightning During Patriots Practice

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Updated: January 10, 2014

FOXBOROUGH, MA – As the New England Patriots prepare for Saturday’s playoff game against the Indianapolis Colts, head coach Bill Belichick was elevated the intensity level of his team’s Friday morning practice by using the terrifying powers of the dark side of the Force to punish underperforming players, sources reported early today.

BILL BELICHICK SHOOTS BLUE LIGHTNING FROM FINGERS

 

“[Safety Devin] McCourty lost track of the ball on a crossing pattern and missed a tackle,” explained OT Nate Solder. “And coach just lifts his hands and launches wave after wave of blue electricity into Devin, making him writhe and scream in agony on the turf. And the whole time, he’s all, ‘you have paid the price for your lack of vision!’ It was as if all of his hatred and anger was given tangible form in the lightning leaping off his fingertips and pouring into Devin.”

 

“Plus he seemed especially frail and corpselike today,” added Solder.

 

Friday’s incident was not the first time Belichick had been accused of tapping into the dark side. In November he was widely criticized after allegedly using the Force to asphyxiate WR Aaron Dobson for dropping several passes and showing what team sources called “a disturbing lack of faith.” According to sources, Dobson had provoked the telekinetic strangling by confronting the coach about his “sad devotion” to his “sorcerer’s ways,” but Belichick released Dobson from his evil grip only when Patriots owner Robert Kraft intervened.

 

Some league insiders felt that Belichick’s affinity for the power of the blackness of his heart made manifest is nothing surprising.

 

“This is how most dark Jedi in the NFL behave,” said NFL Network analyst Mike Mayock. “The hatred, the anger, the quickness to inflict pain and suffering at potentially lethal levels on subordinates…some may consider it unnatural, but it’s pretty normal when you let anger and hate control your destiny. Why, I heard just the other day that Andy Reid threatened to feed Marcus Cooper to the Sarlacc. It’s not unusual at all.”

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69 Comments

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  3. Ben Roethlisberger

    January 23, 2014 at 8:28 am

    BECAUSE BILL BELICHICK IS MEAN, YOU SEE

  4. Bill Belichick

    January 22, 2014 at 3:49 am

    NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

  5. Ben Roethlisberger

    January 17, 2014 at 10:38 am

    BECAUSE BILL BELICHICK ACTS LIKE DARTH VADER, YOU SEE.

  6. Darth Anonymous

    January 17, 2014 at 10:06 am

    Before I destroy you Belichick there is something you should know. I am your father’s brother’s nephew’s cousin’s former roommate.

  7. Bill Belichick

    January 13, 2014 at 3:23 pm

    HA! Even in the old age of Darth Brady, the fact that we are still ruling over the AFC East, and are back for our third straight AFC Championship is a testament to my genius and greatness! If it wasn’t for a former Sith turned Jedi named Coughlin, we would have FIVE CHAMPIONSHIPS! But no matter, we shall prevail this year!

  8. Darth Anonymous

    January 13, 2014 at 10:56 am

    You were never my master my fellow Sith. I was never anyone’s apprentice. My dark powers grow naturally where as you had to be taught. Darth Parcells lost his validity as Sith when he became the leader of the ragtag failures known as the Cowboys. Could that be your future when your Princess becomes too old to be your apprentice? Amazed how it took you this long to realize who your rival really was. Are your powers slipping?

  9. Bill Belichick

    January 13, 2014 at 10:40 am

    You cannot stop me, Darth Anonymous! You are but a noob in the arts and prowess of the Dark Side of the Force! While I have been a Dark Side practitioner and adept since my apprenticeship under Darth Parcells! Feel the TRUE POWER OF THE TRUE SITH!

  10. Bill Belichick

    January 13, 2014 at 10:36 am

    Remember the first and only reality of the Sith. There can only be two. And you we never my apprentice. You have become … A RIVAL!

  11. Darth Anonymous

    January 13, 2014 at 10:02 am

    Through the anguish of the fallen quarterbacks and fallen defenses, I feed off their emotions and pain…………………this power feels amazing……….I am now…………………………….Darth Anonymous.

  12. Anonymous

    January 13, 2014 at 9:26 am

    The NFC victor will smash through your team Belichick should you conquer Jedi Forehead Manning. They have a defense, your team does not.

  13. Bill Belichick

    January 12, 2014 at 5:16 pm

    Master Anonymous, a prophecy for you:

    Manning Brady XV
    Sounds like Star Wars Episode III
    The Sith will triumph through our hate
    And conquer SuperBowl 48

  14. Bill Belichick

    January 12, 2014 at 5:10 pm

    But Master Anonymous, it won’t be Eli “Luke” Manning that will face Darth Brady and I next week, it will be Peyton “Mace Windu” Manning. Let’s just say that Darth Brady will put a “choke” hold on him. It’s usually his weakness.

  15. AnonS

    January 12, 2014 at 4:35 pm

    Thank god for Eli “Luke” Manning.

  16. Confused Cowboys fan

    January 12, 2014 at 1:42 pm

    I…I just wanted to see the games.

  17. Bill Belichick

    January 12, 2014 at 11:43 am

    Bitch Tom Brady is already a fallen soul – only he belongs to me! And so will my fourth Lombardi Trophy! Muahahahaha!

  18. Anonymous

    January 12, 2014 at 11:02 am

    Our prophecies never fail. 20 years ago we predicted that evil would reign 3 out of 4 years going into the 21st century. Since then your playoff demise has been foretold every year including one by a Magic Helmet Catch. When a heavyweight defense falls and I acquire the soul of their anguish and despair I will be complete and will be ready for the another soul that will fall…..your precious quarterback. Muahahahahaha!!!!!!!

  19. Bill Belichick

    January 12, 2014 at 9:50 am

    You cannot stop me, Master Anonymous! Darth Uggs Vader will become more powerful than the either of Montana and Bradshaw!

  20. Bill Belichick

    January 12, 2014 at 9:48 am

    The Anon Council once again misreads it’s own prophesies, just like it misread the Prophecy of The Chosen One! The Anon Apocalypse purges out the Anons, and brings balance and pure identity to the Force! Once again, darkness will reign, just like it did in 2001, 2003, and 2004!

  21. Anonymous

    January 12, 2014 at 1:01 am

    You underestimate me Belichick. Luck was a sacrifice that we were willing to make. The souls of fallen QBs belong to me. Acquiring Luck and Brees within a 4 hour span has made me stronger. Tomorrow begins the harvesting of defenses and one heavyweight will fall tomorrow. This is one sign of the Anon Apocalypse that was foretold.

  22. Bill Belichick

    January 11, 2014 at 8:35 pm

    The Dark Side of the Force inspired the run-heavy play calling. Darth Lombardi himself appeared from the Netherworld of The Force to help plan the defeat of the Anonymous Alliance!

  23. Bill Belichick

    January 11, 2014 at 7:25 pm

    Andrew Luck, you young fool. You had to listen to Master Anonymous. Only now—at the end—do you understand. Your feeble skills are no match for the power of the dark side. You have paid the price for your lack of vision. Now, young Andrew Luck … you will die!

  24. Cris Collinsworth

    January 11, 2014 at 5:20 pm

    I suggest a new strategy: Let the Seahawks win.

  25. Marshawn Lynch

    January 11, 2014 at 5:18 pm

    HHAHGUHGAUHHDSGUUHAHUG UHWUHWAHUWUHGWHUW GHUAHUGHUWAG UHHUHUAWUHGHW AHWUHWGHU HWHGUHGAUWHUW WAHUWHUHUW UHAHUGUHHWA WUUWHGWAUUH HAUHHUHGAUHWGU AUHHUUHWAHUGW UHHUGA UWHAHAUHWGHUWA WAHUHGUAHGW HUWAHUWAHUGWAHUG UHHWGAUHWAHUWAHUWA AHUHWUHUGWAHGW HUUHWAHUGWAHUG HWUUHWAHUWGA AWHWUHGWAUHG HUAHWGUHWUHAGHW WAHUHWAUHGWAU AHUGUHWHGWA HUAWGHGWAHUGW UHHUHUGWAHGHWU UHWAHGAWUGHHUHHGWHA UHWGHWGAUHGHWUAH UHWAHGUHWGHUAWGH HUHHUAGWHUWHUAWGHUH AWAHAGUHWAHGA UHAWHGAWHUGWAHU AWUHHGHGWA WAUHHUHUWAGHWAGUHAHGWA UHWAHUGUWHAGHUWAGHWA

  26. Marshawn Lynch

    January 11, 2014 at 5:17 pm

    AUUHHGGHGWW AAHGHGHWGUUW AHUWGHWWW WWHUGA HHGWGUWGU WGUGAUUUGGGHAHAW GUWAUGAUUHGHGA GAHGUGHUUWUG WWWUWGGGHHHG GGGGGGGWGAHWHGW GAWHUGGHHHHGU HHGAHHAGHUW WWHAUGHHU UUUGAGAGHGH GHAGHHHGHGHUWAGHUW HUAWHHHUWH GHGUUWHA HHWGAUGHW HUAWGHHHAUU AUWHWAUH UGAGHUGHG UUHGHGAHWGH AAWHWHUG WWHUHUGA WAHUUHGH HGHHUAHGUHWHUAHUWHUHWUAH

  27. Marshawn Lynch

    January 11, 2014 at 5:17 pm

    UWWWGH AUHHHGH AAAAHHGGHWWWG

  28. Bill Belichick

    January 11, 2014 at 4:26 pm

    Do what must be done tonight, Lord Brady. Do not hesitate, show no mercy! Once more the Patriots will go to the AFC Championship!

  29. Bill Belichick

    January 11, 2014 at 3:38 pm

    Tonight, witness the full power of this ARMED AND OPERATIONAL Patriots Battle Station! Your Colts, out there in Gillette Stadium, are walking into a trap! Everything is going as I have foreseen, Andrew Luck!

  30. Anonymous

    January 11, 2014 at 10:22 am

    We made you a college star Andrew Luck and we can make you an NFL hero. Your opportunity to defeat Darth Belichick and Princess Brady tonight is the turning point. Beyond that there is nothing more we can do but hope and pray.

  31. Bill Belichick

    January 11, 2014 at 4:34 am

    Andrew Luck, don’t become a pawn of the Anonymous Council! Your whole life, you have been looking for a life of meaning, a life of significance. A life as a SuperBowl champ. Learn to use the Dark Side of the force, to save your Championship dreams, from certain death. (Creepy smile)

  32. Bob Costas

    January 11, 2014 at 4:29 am

    Beep beep dooooo weep beep doooo

  33. Cris Collinsworth

    January 11, 2014 at 4:28 am

    The mighty Jabba sentences The Bus-driver Alex Smith, to be thrown into the Sarlacc, where he will be digested in its stomach until the beginning of training camp.

  34. Andy Reid

    January 11, 2014 at 1:52 am

    COO YA MAYA STOOPA ALEX SMITH TAH-KOH TEE BANTHA POODOO

  35. Anonymous

    January 11, 2014 at 1:46 am

    Do not listen to them Jedi Caveman Luck. You are our ace in the hole this week. Fight the evil. Don’t be tempted by the dark side. And for God’s sake quit sucking up to the enemy. Have YOU forgotten about what happened the last time you met them?

  36. Bill Belichick

    January 10, 2014 at 9:21 pm

    Andrew Luck, have you heard of the Legend of Darth Bill Parcels?

  37. Tom Brady

    January 10, 2014 at 9:19 pm

    The Force is strong with you, Andrew Luck! But you are not a Jedi yet!

  38. Tom Brady

    January 10, 2014 at 9:16 pm

    Damn you, Anonymous Starkiller! I knew I shouldn’t have cloned you! You used MY clones to become YOUR decoys! Now I will UNLEASH the FORCE, TWO TIMES if need may be!

  39. Anonymous

    January 10, 2014 at 7:45 pm

    Nice try Princess Brady but Anonymous can never be defeated. While you were failing to stop my decoys I had sex with your wife. I was her first real man in 7 years and she was amazed that I can pee standing up.

  40. Andrew Luck

    January 10, 2014 at 7:11 pm

    Mr Brady, I’m honoured that you would classify me as a Jedi Knight. I look forward to our duel tomorrow, and may the best side win.

  41. Tom Brady

    January 10, 2014 at 6:54 pm

    I have silenced all the Anonymous Jedis, master. Now we can work together to defeat Jedi Knight Caveman Luck tomorrow, then Jedi Master Forehead Manning, and then Obi-Troll Wilsoni! Once more the Patriots will rule the galaxy!

  42. Bill Belichick

    January 10, 2014 at 1:12 pm

    Your friends, out there on the sanctuary moon, are walking into a trap, as is your Rebel fleet. It was I who allowed the Alliance to know the location of the shield generator. It is quite safe from your pitiful little band. An entire legion of my best troops awaits them. [mockingly] Oh, I’m afraid the deflector shield will be quite operational when your friends arrive.

  43. Anonymous

    January 10, 2014 at 12:09 pm

    Darth Belichick, your Jedi powers only work on the feeble minded. We are ANONYMOUS. Our power is the ability to resist other powers include your silly little dark side. That and rallying up every other Jedi to slay you while we watch in the shadows. We have the mighty Legion of Boom led by Obi-Troll Wilson, Black and Gold Jedi, Pounding Riverboat Ron, and some team in San Francisco that wanted to join to avoid being left out. Do your worst Darth Belichick! Do your worst!

  44. Cygnia

    January 10, 2014 at 11:38 am

    Obi-Troll Wilsoni is our only hope now!

  45. Bill Belichick

    January 10, 2014 at 9:57 am

    Master Anonymous, you survived. Your arrogance blinds you, Master Anonymous. Now … experience the full power … OF THE DARK SIDE! I’ll throw the whole Senate at you, if need may be!

  46. Anonymous

    January 10, 2014 at 9:54 am

    I don’t think so Bill Belichick. We shall all rally behind Jedi Knight Caveman Luck, Jedi Master Forehead Manning, and Phillip Rivers in slaying you to ensure that your post-Spygate era remains Lombardi-less. YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!!!!!!!!

    Live Long and Prosper my fellow Anon friends and let us destroy Darth Belichick and his evil Decepticons!!!!!

  47. Bill Belichick

    January 10, 2014 at 9:44 am

    And the Anonymous Commentators Rebellion has been foiled. The remaining Anonymous commentators who do not refer to themselves as NFL players, coaches, or Star Wars Characters, or a combination of them, WILL BE HUNTED DOWN AND DEFEATED!

  48. Ben Roethlisberger

    January 10, 2014 at 9:37 am

    OH I GET IT. THEY’RE TALKING ABOUT STAR TREK.

  49. Darth Uggs Vader

    January 10, 2014 at 9:28 am

    I have you now!

  50. Darth Uggs Vader

    January 10, 2014 at 9:28 am

    Hmmmm … The Force is strong in this one.

  51. Peyton Fuc_ing Manning

    January 10, 2014 at 8:50 am

    John Fox: The target area is only SkyWelker wide. It’s a small crossing route, right in front of the Mike back. The lane leads directly to the end zone. A precise hit will start a chain reaction which should destroy their playoff run. Only a precise hit will do.

    Adam Gase: That’s impossible! Even for a computer.

    Peyton Fu_king Manning: It’s not impossible. I used to bullseye Welk-rats in practice, he’s not much smaller than two meters.

  52. Anonymous

    January 10, 2014 at 8:43 am

    Lol ^

  53. Anonymous

    January 10, 2014 at 8:31 am

    I bet it’s one dude who has no friends so he talks to himself as different characters on internet message boards.

  54. Yoda

    January 10, 2014 at 8:19 am

    Lame, many of these jokes are. Full of hate and Dark Side powers, many of the commenters must have.

  55. Darth Uggs Vader

    January 10, 2014 at 8:09 am

    Who is this Son of Manning? The New York Princess or the Guy With The Big Forehead and Lightsabre?

  56. Darth Uggs Vader

    January 10, 2014 at 8:07 am

    NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  57. James

    January 10, 2014 at 7:58 am

    @Darth Uggs Vader: that is until Eli Skywalker and the rebellion led by Coughlin and co. Took two shots at your thermal exhaust pipe and destroyed the Patriots empire twice

  58. Darth Uggs Vader

    January 10, 2014 at 7:22 am

    The Dark Side and Spygate has given me the strength to surpass my abilities as a sixth-round quarterback pick from Michigan, and win 3 Super Bowls and the Perfect Regular Season!

  59. Darth Uggs Vader

    January 10, 2014 at 7:19 am

    Anonymous – I find your lack of humor disturbing. You don’t know the power of the Dark Side of The Force!

  60. Boba Fett

    January 10, 2014 at 7:06 am

    I wonder if there is aopening on the Saints Defense…

  61. Jar Jar Binks

    January 10, 2014 at 7:04 am

    Mesa so happy for Brew Breesa! He rocksa! Coach Belichicksa is a mean mean mansa…

  62. Anonymous

    January 10, 2014 at 6:55 am

    Anonymous – he or she is posting quotes from Star Wars: The Force Unleashed. I guess you’re not a Star Wars fan. Idiot.

  63. CJ

    January 10, 2014 at 6:32 am

    Andrew Luck is Luke Skywalker

  64. Anonymous

    January 10, 2014 at 6:27 am

    People need to stop posting comments pretending to be the players. You’re not funny or clever. Leave it to the writers.

  65. Bill Belichick

    January 10, 2014 at 5:26 am

    Chris N, you will be interrogated. Tortured. You *will* give me the names of your friends and allies. And then you will die.

  66. Bill Belichick

    January 10, 2014 at 5:24 am

    Does this Chris N think he is safe? I only allowed him to write this article so everyone can know who he is. Your very public and painful executions will serve as an example to the rest of the galaxy.

  67. Bill Belichick

    January 10, 2014 at 5:20 am

    I have already shown myself in the Brady opinion comments section. The Dark Side allowed me to beat this writer in revealing myself.

  68. Anonymous

    January 10, 2014 at 4:55 am

    darth brady approves

  69. Ben

    January 10, 2014 at 1:20 am

    IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE JABBA THE HUTT IS FAT TOO, YOU SEE.

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