“The Raiders Are Going To Dominate The AFC This Year” Says Absolutely No One

By
Updated: August 29, 2014
NO ONE EVER

Oh man. I can’t believe it. Football season is almost here. I am just so excited. I’m telling you, the Raiders are going to absolutely dominate the AFC this year!

 

How can I be so sure, you ask? Well, let’s just count the ways, shall we? First, take a look at how stacked we are quarterback. I mean, come on. Do any two words strike terror in the hearts of a defense more than “Matt Schaub?” With a legendary gunslinger like him on the roster, I think it’s safe to say we now have the best starting quarterback in the AFC West. But just for good measure, we also drafted Derek Carr. That guy’s got the bloodlines of a champion, folks! Yes, our dynamic duo at QB is going to shatter all the NFL’s single-season passing records this year, you can bet your sweet ass on that!

 

And our team’s dominance doesn’t stop there. Oh no, not by a long shot, mister! Because our 1-2 punch of Darren McFadden and Maurice Jones-Drew at RB will be chewing up yards like crazy on the ground this year. With their fresh young legs, and the remarkable way in which they always seem to avoid injury, there’s going to be no stopping our mighty rushing attack in 2014.

Oakland Raiders QB Matt Schaub is sacked by the Green Bay Packers

 

But wait. We haven’t even talked receivers yet. Now look, we could sit here all day and argue about whether Andre Holmes and Rod Streater are the NFL’s top WR combo of all time, or simply of the past 20 years, but one thing is certainly clear: there’s no defensive backfield on earth that can contain the duo everyone refers to as “AndRob HoSteater”

 

And of course, let’s not forget the mighty general leading these champions into battle. Folks, there’s a reason why Dennis Allen is tied for the longest tenure of any Oakland head coach in the past twenty-five years: because he is simply the best in the NFL at what he does, period. So why would the Raiders fire him when he continues to provide steady, expert leadership year after year after year?

 

Oh, and also, our defense and special teams are phenomenal, and GM Reggie McKenzie is truly a player personnel genius. Those facts all pretty much go without saying.

 

So in conclusion, 2014 is obviously going to be the year of the silver and black. We all know that the Raiders motto is, “Commitment to excellence,” and clearly that has never been more true than here in 2014. That’s why I, Mr. Absolutely No One, Esq., can confidently state that Oakland will cruise to the top seed in the AFC this season, which will propel them to a cakewalk victory at Super Bowl XLIX in February.   Probably against the Buccaneers or Lions, by the way.

Leave a Reply

29 Comments

  1. Typical Raiders Fan

    September 4, 2014 at 7:58 pm

    We got 3 rings. #urteamsucks

  2. Guy who is confused about what PFM is

    September 1, 2014 at 4:15 pm

    Absolutely No One? Dude I went to summer camp with that guy. He still owes me $20.

  3. Anonymous

    September 1, 2014 at 7:28 am

    They forgot about Matt “Moxie” McGloin!!!

  4. Guy Who Comes to the Party Late

    August 31, 2014 at 7:07 pm

    Dude…this is complete bullshit. The Raiders suck.

  5. Will Power

    August 30, 2014 at 10:17 pm

    Dude, I’m finally a IndyCar champion. Why the Raiders can’t dominate the AFC and win the Super Bowl crushing the Lions?

  6. ?

    August 30, 2014 at 8:42 pm

    ?

  7. Jan Brady

    August 30, 2014 at 7:54 pm

    MOM … THAT’S my line.. wahhhhhhhhh

  8. Mrs. Brady

    August 30, 2014 at 6:10 pm

    MARCIA! MARCIA! MARCIA!

  9. Norm

    August 30, 2014 at 6:09 pm

    I’m Norm. My name is Norm!

  10. AnonyMOOSE

    August 30, 2014 at 6:08 pm

    ifhss, why would you tell yourself that you’re not funny?

  11. Name

    August 30, 2014 at 5:33 pm

    You ARE the troll, ifhss. Its not a secret anymore.

  12. ifhss

    August 30, 2014 at 4:13 pm

    None of you are funny. Click my name to sign my petition to get rid of the trolls.

  13. Guy with a really long username that is longer than his comment for no reason.

    August 30, 2014 at 11:58 am

    Good article.

  14. Cereal Killer

    August 30, 2014 at 9:09 am

    Wouldn’t the name for Andre Holmes and Rod Streater be Androd, instead of Androb? I don’t see where the B came from. Also, you could go clever and make the name Android. Anyone? No? Alright.

  15. Girl who whispers "vagina"

    August 30, 2014 at 6:02 am

    *whispers* vagina

  16. groot

    August 30, 2014 at 3:38 am

    I am groot

  17. Guy Who Whispers "Penis"

    August 30, 2014 at 1:12 am

    *whispers* penis

  18. Raiders Fans

    August 29, 2014 at 9:33 pm

    Yes!!! We told you it was our year!!!

  19. BEN ROETHLISBURGER

    August 29, 2014 at 8:22 pm

    ITS FUNNY BECAUSE HE STILL MADE A COMMENT

  20. too shy to comment

    August 29, 2014 at 5:23 pm

    .

  21. Ben Roethlisberger

    August 29, 2014 at 2:51 pm

    IT’S ALSO FUNNY BECAUSE THE RAIDERS WERE THE ONLY ONES TO NOT MAKE THE PLAYOFFS IN THEIR DIVISION!

  22. Maverick MoPete

    August 29, 2014 at 12:25 pm

    “Now watch the Raiders shock everyone by winning the AFC West and making us look like assholes for writing this”

    If there’s an award for “Best Tag of the Season,” we have our frontrunner right here. And the season hasn’t even started yet.

  23. Someone on drugs

    August 29, 2014 at 12:12 pm

    Ha! The Raiders will be in the AFC championship but they will lose to the Jaguars who will then crush the Lions in the Super Bowl. Get the story straight.

  24. Guy that posted that

    August 29, 2014 at 12:06 pm

    I realize someone else already did the Big Ben thing, but I wanted to do it too. I can do whatever I want and I don’t give a fuck if the rest of you like it or not

  25. Ben Roethlisberger

    August 29, 2014 at 12:04 pm

    ITS FUNNY BECAUSE THE RAIDERS SUCK!

  26. Hodor

    August 29, 2014 at 11:25 am

    Hodor

  27. ACW

    August 29, 2014 at 11:00 am

    “Now watch the Raiders shock everyone by winning the AFC West and making us look like assholes for writing this” XD XD XD

  28. Poop

    August 29, 2014 at 10:24 am

    Poop

  29. Ben Roethlisberger

    August 29, 2014 at 10:00 am

    ITS FUNNY CAUSE THE RAIDERS SUCK

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