Raiders Perform Human Sacrifice Of Practice Squad Player To Ask Satan’s Blessing On New Season

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Updated: September 2, 2013

The Oakland Raiders, in preparation for Sunday’s 2013 season opening game against the Indianapolis Colts, gathered together late last night to perform the franchise’s annual human sacrifice of a practice squad player as an offering to Lucifer, the Prince of Darkness and Evil Ruler of All That Is Unholy.

Human Sacrifice Raiders logo

“But wait! I’ve got a ‘no-murder’ clause in my contractaughhhhhhhhhh”

 

The player, Marshall McFadden, a third-year ILB from South Carolina State who had previously spent time with the Pittsburgh Steelers, screamed in agony as Oakland coach Dennis Allen plunged his hand deep into McFadden’s chest, and withdrew the linebacker’s still-beating heart. Allen then smeared blood from the dripping organ onto his forehead in the shape of an upside down cross, before lifting the heart above his head and bellowing, “Glory and honor unto you, oh Dark Lord Satan. In your most evil name do we offer you this filthy human’s life, in exchange for your looking upon our 2013 season, and in particular this upcoming key inter-conference game, with your most unholy favor! Hail Satan!”

 

McFadden, considered a long shot to see any significant playing time with Oakland this season, thrashed, then fell deathly still as Allen proceeded to devour the entire heart, while warm blood oozed down his chin and dripped onto McFadden’s mangled corpse, which was then set ablaze.

 

“It’s a great bonding experience,” said WR Rod Streater, who last year earned a roster spot with a stellar preseason that spared him the awful agony of becoming the franchise’s 2012 sacrifice, an horror that instead befall DT Vaughn Meatoga. “Getting together with the guys before the season starts, blowing off some steam, and passing around warm innards from a slaughtered practice squad player, so that everyone gets a bite. It brings us together as a team, while at the same time pleases our great Lord Satan.”

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2 Comments

  1. mrpigglenose

    September 5, 2013 at 4:02 pm

    I wish this was really true. I’d be all over this ritual if it really helped.

  2. Peter Magnuson

    September 2, 2013 at 3:56 pm

    wow… a picture like that from “the grove” might get you in trouble in some circles hahaha

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