Report: Pop Warner Coach Declines Browns Head Coaching Offer

Updated: January 19, 2014

BEREA, OH – The Cleveland Browns’ search for a replacement for fired head coach Rob Chudzinski continues after early reports that the job has been declined by Greg Cooper, a Cleveland-area second-year Pop Warner coach, sources reported.



“I’m flattered by the Browns interest in me, but I have informed them that I will not be accepting their offer at this time,” said Cooper, while cleaning vomit from inside the helmet of ten year old DT Aidan Newell, who drank too much Fruit Punch Gatorade just before practice. “Truthfully, the job security I’ve enjoyed here during my two seasons with the Berea Pop Warner Foundation is clearly stronger than what I would have with the Browns. Additionally, I have quite a bit more confidence in (Pop Warner Regional Manager) Eddie ‘Scooter’ Reynolds than I do in anyone involved in the Cleveland front office.”


Added Cooper: “Not to mention that the upgrade in talent I would see by moving from my little league squad to the Browns roster would be negligible at best.”


Spurned by Cooper, the Browns proceeded to offer their head coaching position to any one of several teenage assistants on Cooper’s staff, as well as a number of fathers and mothers watching the Pop Warner game from the Berea City Park bleachers. All offers were, however, declined immediately.


Additionally, a homeless man known only as “Junkpocket Jim” also rejected Cleveland’s overtures, claiming that the Browns’ coaching title was “beneath him.”


“Hey man, look, I just wanna go someplace with a good organizational vision,” said Jim. “I don’t think I’m asking for much. Do they have a plan for the next five years? Do they have a philosophy around which to build their team? Do they have sandwiches? I feel like the answer to all those questions is no. They just gotta meet me halfway here.”


According to numerous reports, former Cowboys, Bills and Broncos head coach Wade Phillips has left numerous messages with the Browns front office informing them that he could be in Cleveland within two hours if offered the job. Browns executives, however, have notified Phillips that while they appreciate his interest in the position, they’re going to continue to focus their attention on Junkpocket Jim for the time being.

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  1. Daniel Kiraly

    January 20, 2014 at 4:37 pm

    lmao wow that is funny

  2. Vaughn-Debbie Payne

    January 19, 2014 at 1:33 pm

    Junkpocket Jim…..That’s hilarious!

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