Peyton Manning’s Pre-Game Super Bowl Pep Talk: “Don’t Fuck This Up For Me, Assholes”

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Updated: February 2, 2014

PEYTON MANNING FEATURED IMAGE

All right, gather ‘round dickholes. Today’s the big day. MY SUPER BOWL. The third one of my magnificent, glorious career. And I’ve got some words of inspiration to lay on all you maggots, so clean the suck out of your ears and listen up.

 

As you all surely know, I won my first Super Bowl with the Colts single-handedly back in ’07. Then I had another one stolen away from me in ’10 because my dipshit teammates couldn’t stop the Saints from picking off one of my passes late in the 4th quarter. So now here I am, with a record of 1-1 in NFL title games, and today will be the all-important rubber match. The one that will likely define my eternal football legacy, and cement my reputation as the finest athletic specimen in all of recorded history.

 

SO GODDAMMIT, DON’T YOU ASSHOLES FUCK THIS UP FOR ME, UNDERSTAND?

 

I’M LOOKING AT YOU, WES WELKER. You don’t think I remember how you dropped that perfect pass from Tom Brady a couple of years ago that would’ve won the Super Bowl for New England? Oh, I remember. And yes, it was FUCKING HILARIOUS THEN. To this day, I still jerk off to that photo of Brady sitting defeated on the turf while he was looking your way with murder in his eyes. But goddammit, don’t you pull that butterfingers shit with me today. If it’s the 4th quarter, and the game’s on the line, and I throw you a perfect pass that hits you right in your tiny little midget mitts, you CATCH THAT SHIT or so help me, I’ll shove so much Old Spice deodorant gel up your ass your crap will smell like my Grandpa’s armpits for a year.

 

I’M ALSO LOOKING AT YOU, DEMARYIUS THOMAS. What’s that? You think you’re hot shit because you had 92 catches for 1,430 yards and 14 TDs this year? WRONG, TWATHEAD. I GAVE YOU THOSE NUMBERS WITH MY LASER-LIKE PASSES. So now you have to go up against Richard Sherman. And you just know that loudmouth douchesponge is gonna do anything he can to stop you from catching my perfect darts. So I don’t care what he does to try to get inside your head, STAY FOCUSED. Even If he starts talking about your ugly girlfriend or your skanky sister or your stupid looking face, DON’T LISTEN TO HIM no matter how hurtful and/or true his statements may be. I need you to be sharp if I’m going to win this game.

 

AND I’M LOOKING AT ALL YOU WORTHLESS COCKGOBLINS ON DEFENSE. No, I don’t know any of your names. Why should I, when you were 19th this season in total defense, 25th against the run, and 27th in first downs allowed? THAT’S FUCKING HORRIBLE. Just because you have the luxury of playing on a team with the greatest QB in the history of the planet Earth does NOT give you the excuse to dick around out there and let the other team score on you at will. You go out there today against Russell Wilson and Marshawn Lynch and whoever the fuck those flappy bastards have at receiver and you SHUT THEM THE FUCK DOWN. I don’t care how you do it. Foul the shit out of them, pay each other for big hits, go after their knees, WHATEVER. Any massive fines and/or multi-game suspensions you get is a small price to pay in order to get me my precious Lombardi Trophy.

 

Remember, this is exactly why your horse-faced G.M got down on his bony hooves and knees and BEGGED me to join you orange-jerseyed jagweeds last year: so I could rescue you from the pits of Tebow-ville and let you ride my coattails to a Super Bowl title. YOU ARE NOTHING WITHOUT ME. I CARRIED YOU WORTHLESS BUMBLEFUCKS TO A SUPER BOWL. NOW IT’S TIME FOR YOU TO REPAY ME BY PLAYING THE GAME OF YOUR LIVES AND WINNING ME THE CHAMPIONSHIP THAT I DESERVE.

 

So bring it in here, and join hands. Let’s have a quick cheer, then get out there and WIN. Okay, ready? “Don’t fuck this up for Peyton” on three.  One, two three.

 

“DON’T FUCK THIS UP FOR PEYTON!”

 

Okay, why the shit was I the only one cheering? Jesus, you guys SUCK.

Leave a Reply

36 Comments

  1. Aaron Rodgers

    April 7, 2014 at 8:40 am

    Newton! I will strangle you with my penis and then stick it in your mouth. Also, I’m not gay.

  2. Alex Smith

    March 28, 2014 at 4:48 pm

    LOL

  3. Cam Newton

    March 18, 2014 at 10:22 pm

    Ooooh! Things that Aaron Rodgers says about hot women in magazines!

  4. Ryan Leaf

    March 14, 2014 at 10:08 am

    Boring article…

  5. Rusty BlackMist Mustang

    February 17, 2014 at 4:53 pm

    Omaha!

  6. Manny Ramirez

    February 9, 2014 at 8:58 pm

    *snaps ball*

  7. Archie Manning

    February 3, 2014 at 12:36 pm

    Elisha, you are my farvorite again. You may have tossed 5 INT’s against Seattle but your team already sucked.

  8. Dan B

    February 3, 2014 at 11:40 am

    Where’s the Facebook convo? C’mon its already evening here in the UK & I need that Peyton-bashing Wilson is gonna hand out

  9. laschus

    February 3, 2014 at 9:59 am

    This is what I love about PFM. The commenters are almost as entertaining as the articles. Way to drag things down, Anonymous and JJ. Right down to MY level.

  10. Anonymous

    February 3, 2014 at 9:33 am

    Speak for yourself JJ. I named my red-hot poker Amanda and she’s a fiery beast. Now if you’ll excuse me…………..AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That feels GGGGGGGGGGRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAATTTT!!!!!!!!

  11. JJ

    February 3, 2014 at 9:25 am

    Anonymous: That’s like saying a swift kick in the nuts is 10x better than being sodomized with a red-hot poker. Undeniably true, but still awful in its own right.

  12. Anonymous

    February 3, 2014 at 9:18 am

    What does PFM have against Papa John’s? It tastes 10x better than Dominos.

  13. ifhss

    February 3, 2014 at 8:33 am

    IMO manning really f’d up…

  14. Andrew Luck

    February 3, 2014 at 8:19 am

    Mr. Manning, I just want to congratulate you on your outstanding season. You are one of the greatest QBs ever to play the game and I hold you in the highest regard, sir.

  15. Anonymous

    February 3, 2014 at 12:47 am

    I think the most important question that came out of today is how will losing two straight Super Bowls affect Colin Kaepernick’s legacy?

  16. Archie Manning

    February 2, 2014 at 10:28 pm

    Son, I am disappoint.

  17. Anonymous

    February 2, 2014 at 9:33 pm

    Not a fan of eithrr team bjt that superbowl was shit one of the worst in NFL history!

  18. Ben Roethlisberger

    February 2, 2014 at 9:13 pm

    IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE MALCOLM SMITH INTERCEPTED MANNING FOR A PICK-6, YOU SEE

  19. Danger-Russ Wilson

    February 2, 2014 at 9:11 pm

    Thankfully for me, Malcolm Smith already picked off your 18 pizzas so I don’t have to eat that poison.

  20. Peyton Manning

    February 2, 2014 at 7:40 pm

    WILSON, I WILL FORCE YOU TO EAT 18 EXTRA LARGE PAPA JOHN’S PIZZAS!

  21. cheese

    February 2, 2014 at 7:39 pm

    As soon as I wake up tomorrow I will be checking this site constantly. I CANNOT FREAKING WAIT for the QB Convo. It’s gonna be the best one yet. Peyton seriously needs to learn how to give better pep talks

  22. Anonymous

    February 2, 2014 at 7:39 pm

    well this is fun to read now…

  23. Russell Wilson

    February 2, 2014 at 7:19 pm

    ‘Sup

  24. Anonymous

    February 2, 2014 at 7:02 pm

    LOL tomorrow’s convo is going to be epic

  25. Anonymous

    February 2, 2014 at 6:59 pm

    Can’t wait to see how much Wilson is going to troll in tomorrow’s FB convo.

  26. Zach Brinkley

    February 2, 2014 at 6:53 pm

    They REALLY didn’t listen

  27. incorrectmarie

    February 2, 2014 at 6:53 pm

    Maybe Peyton didn’t listen to his own speech.

  28. Anonymous

    February 2, 2014 at 6:46 pm

    They obviously haven’t been listening

  29. Matt

    February 2, 2014 at 3:40 pm

    The center must not have been paying attention…

  30. dernomed21

    February 2, 2014 at 2:48 pm

    Too bad he still has one ints *coughs* or more unlike joe never been int in playoffs when he win sb

  31. Stu Pididiot

    February 2, 2014 at 2:12 pm

    Wow! Unbelievable that Peyton Manning would print such repulsive crap. The man truly has no class whatsoever.

  32. Roger Goodell

    February 2, 2014 at 1:31 pm

    Now this is exactly the kind of behavior that we do not tolerate in this league… Mister Manning I think we had an agreement that you cut down on arrogance and in exchange every referee is forced to call roughing the passer whenever a defender comes within three feet of your precious neck…

  33. Brendan

    February 2, 2014 at 10:30 am

    lol, this is amazing.

    Go broncos!

  34. ifhss

    February 2, 2014 at 10:11 am

    Haha excellent! Let’s go DENVER! Do NOT fuck this up for PGDM! LOL

  35. Anonymous

    February 2, 2014 at 8:27 am

    You mad, Bro?

  36. Doug

    February 2, 2014 at 3:53 am

    hahahahah. Awesome.

    GO BRONCOS!!!!!

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