Pacman Jones Advises NFL Rookies On Finding the Best Strip Bars
“We Making It Rain Tonight,” says Bengals CB to Incoming Players
CINCINNATI – Bengals CB Adam “Pacman” Jones will be addressing the incoming class of NFL players this weekend at the league’s annual Rookie Symposium, and plans on sharing his years of accumulated wisdom on locating, “the highest quality titty bars in every NFL city,” according to sources close to the 9th year player.
“You have to understand, these kids are just 21, 22 years old,” Jones said, as an exotic dancer gyrated suggestively on his lap. “They’ve never had anyone teach them how to find the sweetest tail in town, like Fantasia here. Sometimes these kids just hit the cheap-ass clubs out by the airport. Man, ain’t nothing there but worn out skanks with pancake boobs and c-section scars. That’s why I’m here. To let ‘em know where the real scrip clubs is at.”
“He said he’s going to show me where the all the, um, ‘hottest honeys and tightest ho’s’ can be found,” said Steelers first round pick Jarvis Jones. “Understand, those are HIS words, not mine. Truthfully, I thought this was going to be more about how to invest our signing bonus, and get involved with community outreach programs, that sort of thing. But when I asked him about that, he just called me a ‘pussy’ and said that only ‘lame-ass bitches talk like that.’”
Jones is planning an all-encompassing seminar with his young pupils to be sure that his point gets across.
“I’m not gonna just stand there on stage and flap my gums for an hour. Hell no,” said Jones. “We’re gonna be in New York City, son. I’m taking my class on a field trip. We’ll be hitting Cheetahs, Lace, Sapphire. Every banging club in the city, yo. I’ll be teaching them some real hands-on stuff like, ‘Introduction To Making It Rain,’ ‘Copping A Feel 101,’ and a special bonus course, ‘Advanced Theories In Allegedly Having One Of Your Boys Shoot The Place All To Shit If One Of Their Punk-Ass Bouncers Gets All Up In Your Grill.’ That last one has lots of real world applications, trust me.”