NFL Introduces New “Injury-Proof” Inflatable Uniforms To Keep QBs Safe

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Updated: September 12, 2014

NEW YORK – In response to recent injuries to quarterbacks such as Sam Bradford and Cam Newton, the NFL today introduced its latest attempts to protect its marquee signal callers from hard hits by unveiling a line of ultra-safe, fully inflatable team uniforms which will now be mandatory game wear for all league QBs, effective immediately.

Philadelphia Eagles Nick Foles In Puffy Suit

 

“These new uniforms are the logical extension of our continuing efforts to safeguard our celebrity quarterbacks from harmful defensive hits,” said NFL spokesman Brad Haley. “Each outfit is constructed of a highly elastic, vulcanized rubber/latex blended material, and utilizes a patented ‘bounce and roll’ technology to effectively guarantee that quarterback injuries will now become a thing of the past.

 

In a league-managed scrimmage to test the new uniforms however, several potential flaws emerged.

 

“It really hindered my scrambling ability,” said the Redskins’ Robert Griffin III. “I’m used to a tighter fitting outfit that allows me to take off from the pocket when the protection breaks down. Instead, with this thing on me, I have to sort of waddle-hop away from pressure, and that hasn’t worked out very well so far. In today’s scrimmage I had 6 carries for -39 yards.”

 

Indeed, numerous QBs have complained that while the inflated suits do provide a greater measure of protection, the limits they place on a quarterback’s mobility actually result in increased defensive hits, often with unexpected results.

PUFFY SUIT RGIII RUNS FROM EAGLES

 

“During one session, Andrew Luck was hit pretty hard by J.J. Watt,” said a member of the crowd observing the practice. “But instead of going down to the ground, Luck just sort of bounced off of Watt, like a beach ball, and rolled backward way down the field. It ended up being a 65-yard sack.”

 

“Another time, Jay Cutler was tackled by Ndamukong Suh so hard, it popped a hole in Cutler’s suit. He flew up in the air and went ‘phblblblblblblblb’ all around the stadium. It was pretty funny, actually.”

 

Defensive players have been nearly unanimous in their opposition to the new uniforms.

PEYTON MANNING IN PUFFY SUIT VS RAVENS

 

“It’s ridiculous, the lengths the league goes to now to coddle these quarterbacks,” complained Ravens LB Courtney Upshaw. “First they tell us that we’re not allowed to hit them low. Then they say we can’t hit them high either. Now the QBs get to wear these giant pillow suits to keep them safe? For Christ’s sake, they might as well just be wearing dresses back there.”

 

“We actually considered that, having our quarterbacks wear dresses in the pocket,” concluded Haley. “Unfortunately, recent history indicates that a person wearing a dress is not necessarily safe from attack by a violent NFL player.”

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3 Comments

  1. Brickfinger

    September 14, 2014 at 12:45 am

    The last two paragraphs are Gold!

  2. Asshole

    September 13, 2014 at 5:19 pm

    Dresses are pretty appropriate, as pussified as the league is becoming.

  3. No One Ever

    September 13, 2014 at 1:17 pm

    Great idea. I can’t wain until the NFL implements it.

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