New Report Finds Injuries A Result Of Players Being Pressured Not To Act Like Total Pussies

Updated: January 11, 2013

A new report from the Division of Understanding Danger in Entertainment and Sports concludes that serious injuries to NFL players, such as the devastating ACL and LCL tears suffered by Redskins QB Robert Griffin III, are often due to the pressure placed on players by coaches, fans and the media to not act like total pussies.

Washington Redskins Robert Griffin (RGIII) after suffering his devastating knee injury

“Wah! Wah! You gonna cry baby?” is the sort of thing the team doctor could say to check the player’s pain level.


“Athletes are often expected to be ‘tough guys,’ and fight through aches and pains,” said Dr. Randy Steele, lead researcher for DUDES.  “This pressure can result in serious harm. Players need to feel free to wuss out of the game like a sissy little bitch if they feel kind of hurt or sore in some way.”


During the 2011 NFC Championship Game, Chicago QB Jay Cutler removed himself from his team’s lineup after spraining his MCL. Following the Bears’ loss, Cutler was the subject of much criticism from analysts and fellow players for standing on the sideline but not returning to the game.


“Jay Cutler is a perfect example,” continued Steele. “In a game where a Super Bowl berth was at stake, and an entire franchise’s hopes rested upon him, that young man was brave enough to say, ‘Ow. My wittle knee has a boo-boo,’ and he did the responsible thing by taking himself out of the contest. As a result he’s in perfect health today. Perfect, normal,championship-less health.”


To prevent future injuries, Dr. Steele recommends changing the entire atmosphere of NFL locker rooms and sidelines.


“Keeping players safe needs to be everyone’s concern. It could be a coach asking the QB if he has an ouchie in his headie-weddie, or a player’s teammates asking him if his menstrual flow is especially heavy on a day when they see him limping. The only way to avoid the sort of serious joint and head injuries we’re seen so much of lately is to insist that athletes not be pressured to act like cool, handsome badasses, and instead behave more like enormous vaginas.”



Leave a Reply

One Comment

  1. Aaron Rodgers

    February 27, 2014 at 8:17 pm


You must be logged in to post a comment Login