Mom: “On This Day Of Thanks, We Share This Meal… Can You Guys Stop Watching The Game For One Minute?”
Dinner everybody! Gather around the table. Come on now, turn the TV off please. Yes, I know it’s the 4th quarter, but this is Thanksgiving and we’re a family and we’re going to sit and enjoy this meal I spent all day preparing, while we enjoy each other’s company. That’s not too much for a mother to ask of her family, right?
Jim, you sit there next to your father. Michael, you sit next to Jim. Todd, Angela, I set places for you on the other side, with a high chair for the baby. Jim, Michael, come on please. Turn the game off. Anyway, I’ll sit on the end, opposite your father. Gerald, please, set a good example for the kids and turn the TV off. They see you watching it and they think it’s okay.
Stewart, Connor, you two sit on either side of me. That’s right, there’s no “kid’s table” this year. We’re all sitting together, the way families are supposed to. James, Michael, I said turn that TV off and sit down. I don’t care WHO is playing, it’s time for dinner. NOW, please!
All right, who’d like to say grace? Michael? No? Todd, who about you? All right, I’ll just go ahead and… TODD! Please stop watching the game. I understand you were used to watching football with your family when you grew up, but you’re a part of our family now too, and I’d very much prefer that we just spend Thanksgiving dinner focusing on each other, and not some silly game. I don’t care how important that play was, it’s not as important as spending time together as a family!
Dear Lord, on this blessed day of Thanksgiving, we give praise to You and offer You our gratitude for the great bounty You have given us. We thank You for this food, for our home, and most importantly, for the love and warmth we share as a family. We thank you for Jim’s new job at the tire shop, and for Michael’s college grades finally improving. We thank you for allowing Stewart to earn a spot on his school’s track team, and for Connor’s successful campaign to become the 8th grade class secretary. And of course, Dear Lord, we thank you for Angela’s new husband Todd, and our beautiful granddaughter who is just the most precious BOYS! I have ASKED YOU to stop watching that damn game! Two-minute what? Warning? I’m warning you to STOP watching that game.
You know what, I’m turning the TV off. No, I’m sorry, but if you can’t show just a LITTLE restraint during a prayer, of all things… there. Now can we PLEASE eat this meal as a family, with no silly distractions.
Angela, would you pass the sweet potatoes please? I hope you like them. Mrs. Baldwin down the street gave me the recipe. Believe it or night, the secret ingredient is a can of tomato soup! It gives at a richer taste that MICHAEL! I see you looking at that darn phone. Don’t try to tell me you’re checking the time, you have a watch right there on your wrist. You’re CHECKING THE SCORE OF THAT DAMN GAME! I spent all day cooking this meal, and instead of being present here with us, you’re looking at some phone? Now put that away!
Stewart, Connor, stop playing with your food right now, and EAT it. Don’t tell me that, I just SAW you flicking pecans right at each other. What? A “field goal?” I’ll “field goal” you right in your head if you flick any more food onto the carpet I cleaned and vacuumed this morning BY MYSELF because your father was too busy watching yet ANOTHER stupid game while I cleaned, cooked, and set the table WITH NO HELP FROM MY SUPPOSEDLY LOVING FAMILY.
Honestly, I don’t know why I even bother. James, honey, do you want some more stuffing? I made an extra batch just for you, without the celery since I know you don’t like that. Here, I’ll just run to the kitchen to get it. Be back in a jiff.
Here you go, it’s nice and hot… WHO PUT THIS TELEVISION BACK ON? Well? Oh, are you all going to sit there and just blame each other? Well I don’t care who put it on, because it’s going off now. I don’t CARE if the score is tied with 30 seconds to go. This is Thanksgiving, not Watch-A-Stupid-Football-Game-Giving. Now here James, eat this goddamn stuffing that I spent an extra hour making just because you won’t eat celery like some spoiled five year old.
All right. Not that any of you ingrates deserve it, but I made brownies, cookies, AND both apple and pumpkin pie for desert. Here, help yourselves to some and WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU’RE GOING? What do you mean, “to the TV?” I’ve explained to you TEN TIMES NOW that… what? YES, DESSERT STILL COUNTS AS PART OF THE MEAL! WELL I DON”T GIVE A RAT’S ASS WHAT TOMMY BERTLESON’S FAMILY DOES ON THANKSGIVING, YOU ARE A MEMBER OF THIS FAMILY, AND IN THIS FAMILY WE EAT OUR FUCKING THANKSGIVING MEAL TOGETHER AS A GODDAMN FUCKING FAMILY BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT FAMILIES WHO LOVE EACH OTHER AND CARE ABOUT EACH OTHER ARE SUPPOSED TO FUCKING DO.
There. Dinner is over. Now, was that so hard? A few annoying distractions aside, we made it through a nice holiday dinner together. All right, NOW we can all go to the living room to watch some television. What? The game’s over? Greatest ending in Thanksgiving history? Well, I’m sure it wasn’t as “great” as the nice Thanksgiving meal we just shared. And now, since your silly game is over anyway, give me that remote. There’s a “Real Housewives” marathon on. Now everyone be quiet! It’s starting!