Mike Tomlin to Steelers: “If You Don’t Win THIS Week, I’m Gonna Kill This Kitten”

"I've Tried Everything Else To Motivate You Idiots" Says Pittsburgh Coach

By
Updated: October 7, 2013

All right, listen up chumps. I’m SICK of this, you hear me? Sick of the turnovers, the sloppy play, the penalties, the losses, ALL OF IT. I’ve tried everything else I can think of to motivate you numbskulls, and nothing’s seemed to work, so now it comes down to this: You either win this weekend against the Jets, or I’m gonna kill this helpess, adorable little kitten with my bare hands. AND MAKE YOU IDIOTS WATCH WHILE I DO IT.

MIKE TOMLIN WITH KITTEN2

 

You don’t believe me? You don’t think I’ll actually snuff out this precious little creature’s life as a punishment for yet another embarrassing display of inept football? JUST TEST ME, ASSHOLES.

 

Everyone,quiet down for a second. Listen real carefully. Shhhh, you hear that? It’s the gentle purr this kitten makes when I softly pet its head. Aww, it sounds really sweet, right? Well if you morons don’t find a way to outscore those New York bastards on Sunday, that purr’s gonna become a full throated yowl of terror when I bite this goddamn cat’s head clean off its scrawny neck and spit it directly in the center of our locker room, bloody whiskers and all. You wanna see that happen? No? Then motherfuckers, you BETTER study your game plans and go out there and get me a victory this weekend.

 

Hey, Roethlisberger, you wanna hold him for a second? Yeah, he’s real cute, huh? You know what I call him? Mister Snuggles, on account of how much he likes to cuddle. But you know what he won’t like? WHEN I RIP HIS FRAGILE SPINE AWAY FROM HIS RIBCAGE LIKE A FURRY LITTLE WISHBONE. And then I’m gonna nail Mister Snuggles’ tiny lifeless carcass in YOUR locker, so everyday you can remember how it was YOUR poor reads and bad throws that murdered this precious little kitty.

 

I’m not playing here, dipshits. This is no motherfucking joke. Your crappy play has given us an 0-4 record, and I’m gonna do anything I have to in order to get that first win. Whether that means adjusting our starting lineup, switching to an uptempo offense, or slaughtering a baby kitten, MIKE TOMLIN’S GONNA DO WHAT MIKE TOMLIN’S GOTTA DO.

 

And so help me, if you dopes mange to fuck it up for us yet again on Sunday, I’ve got a puppy, a bunny rabbit, a family of newly hatched chicks, and a big, wet-eyed baby seal all lined up for weeks 7-10.

Leave a Reply

28 Comments

  1. Blaine E. Tallons

    October 15, 2013 at 6:51 am

    ^ hahaha that’s by far the best comment due to the name.

    I guess the kitty gets to live!

    But I mean this article isn’t far off, didn’t Tomlin essentially ban all fun from the locker room? I read he got rid of this pool table

    Which by the way I am pretty sure this article was published before PFT mentioned that they got rid of the pool table, so extra kudos to you guys for being ahead of the game.

  2. Mike Vick

    October 14, 2013 at 4:34 am

    Honestly, I see nothing wrong with his speech.

  3. IFHSS

    October 13, 2013 at 7:01 pm

    Kitten saved.

  4. Marc Brothers

    October 11, 2013 at 5:57 am

    This sucks, now I have to root for the Jets.

  5. Will i am

    October 9, 2013 at 3:50 pm

    Thats how I motivate my kids to clean up after themselves.

  6. Pingback: Mike Tomlin to Steelers: “If You Don’t Win THIS Week, I’m Gonna Kill This Kitten” @ Steel Balls

  7. Not Sam Bradford

    October 8, 2013 at 8:34 pm

    Well, to be honest, being a mock football site doesn’t necessarily mean that Sam Bradford isn’t a complete sicko.

  8. Seth

    October 8, 2013 at 7:38 pm

    Not cool PFM, my kitty was sleeping on my lap while I read this :(

  9. Anonymous

    October 8, 2013 at 3:50 pm

    Lighten up, Francis.

  10. Anonymous

    October 8, 2013 at 3:28 pm

    Er, animal cruelty is never funny…even when it’s supposed to be a joke.

  11. Anonymous

    October 8, 2013 at 2:15 pm

    Should start by firing your self tomlin

  12. Anonymous

    October 8, 2013 at 12:58 pm

    Most things on this site are incredibly funny. This wasn’t. This article doesn’t contain any wit or cleverness and is just a poor attempt at pure shock, IMHO. YMMV.

  13. Anonymous

    October 8, 2013 at 10:47 am

    Who comes to a site profootballMOCK and takes things serious. I bet you think Sam.Bradford is really that messed up in the head for huh

  14. A-Pop

    October 8, 2013 at 10:40 am

    OMG it’s a joke, calm the f^ck down. Christ Almighty. But on some real shit, as a born and bread Steelers fan, if that motivated the team, at this point I’d be all for it. Just win baby. Sike, just kidding……kind of lol.

  15. Anonymous

    October 8, 2013 at 9:45 am

    if you idiots don’t lighten upand realize thiswas a joke, Mike Tomlin is gonna do what Mike Tomlins gotta do, and bite the head off a bat!

  16. IFHSS

    October 8, 2013 at 9:19 am

    LOL as I was getting to the end I was like, if they don’t win, what other cute little animal will he use….I got my answer. This one was pretty funny!

  17. Chris

    October 8, 2013 at 9:09 am

    hilarious but please dont send this article to peta

  18. Anonymous

    October 8, 2013 at 8:42 am

    ANY one of you flipping out over this need to get a life, and kindly remove yourselves from a MOCK FOOTBALL SITE. It’s a joke, you sensitive little Nancy boys.

  19. Anonymous

    October 8, 2013 at 8:27 am

    *are around….

    More coffee!!!

  20. Anonymous

    October 8, 2013 at 8:27 am

    You morons, it’s just a joke. I pity the people that around you in your daily lives.

  21. Anonymous

    October 8, 2013 at 8:24 am

    It’s called profootballMOCK for a reason idiots….don’t make me send Tomlin to pay you a visit.

  22. Steve

    October 8, 2013 at 8:23 am

    Sounds like a Tomlin press conference lmao

  23. Anonymous

    October 8, 2013 at 8:23 am

    I think igo is just grumpy from his rash

  24. Anonymous

    October 8, 2013 at 8:13 am

    Oh Holy Hell. It’s a JOKE.

  25. Igorash

    October 8, 2013 at 7:59 am

    Somebody has a vivid imagination, and didn’t have anything else to write about. What a fake site. UHHH, can you say ASPCA? PETA
    ? Humane Society?

  26. Anonymous

    October 8, 2013 at 5:55 am

    It’s a joke. Lighten up

  27. Anonymous

    October 8, 2013 at 5:42 am

    not cool.

  28. Sam

    October 8, 2013 at 2:18 am

    O.o

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