Marshawn Lynch Surprise Winner In Belmont Stakes

By
Updated: June 7, 2014

ELMONT, NY – Outpacing favorites such as Wicked Strong, Tonalist, and the heavily favored California Chrome, Seattle Seahawks RB Marshawn Lynch galloped to a 1.75 lengths victory in the 146th running of the Belmont Stakes today.

SEATTLE SEAHAWKS RB MARSHAWN LYNCH WINS BELMONT STAKES

Lynch fared better than fellow NFL participant Mark Sanchez, who somehow ended up with his head stuck up the ass of Matuszak, a three-year old colt.

 

“On behalf of the NYRA and thoroughbred racing fans everywhere, we’d like to extend our sincere, albeit slightly confused, congratulations to Mr. Lynch for his surprising victory today,” said Jenny Kellner, spokeswoman for the New York Racing Association. “In all honesty, we were caught slightly off-guard by Mr. Lynch’s last second entry into the race. But we checked and double-checked the rule book, and nowhere did it specify that race entrants had to have four legs or a tail. And a basic medical exam of Mr. Lynch revealed him to be more horse-like than man anyway.”

 

Added Kellner: “And besides, his jockey, Mr. R. Wilson, met the appropriate height requirements. So we made the decision to allow him to compete.”

 

Lynch’s win, timed at an official 2:28:50, is the fastest time run by a professional football player in a triple crown race since former Tennessee Titan Adam “Pacman” Jones ran a 2:28:35 at the 2008 Preakness Stakes (although Jones’ time was later disqualified due to the fact that he was running from federal authorities at the time).

 

At press time, Lynch himself was unavailable for comment as he was strapped to a feed bag containing five pounds of alfalfa cubes, grain oats, and Tropical Flavor Skittles.

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99 Comments

  1. Philip Rivers

    June 22, 2014 at 9:48 pm

    PFM, the worlds best humour based nfl website, and home of the guy who whispers penis?

  2. PFM

    June 17, 2014 at 9:11 am

    Anyone else notice Rivers hasn’t commented yet, and Foles commented more than usual

  3. Nick Foles

    June 17, 2014 at 9:09 am

    Fuck off Brees

  4. Ben Dover

    June 15, 2014 at 9:55 pm

    My Dixie Wrecked.

  5. Drew Brees

    June 15, 2014 at 9:54 pm

    Reminds me of when I came back to kick Nick Foles’ ass in the playoff game in the cold in Philly.

  6. Nick Foles

    June 15, 2014 at 4:21 pm

    Reminds me of the time when Madden 05 fucked up Ben Roethlesberger’s last name

  7. Ricky Bobby

    June 13, 2014 at 9:03 pm

    Why do you think you can just, come in here without a last name? I’ve never seen a player with his given name on the jersey since Rey Maualuga.
    David..

  8. David

    June 13, 2014 at 7:26 pm

    Wait! I got a joke! You people beat that QB convo horse even faster than Marshawn Lynch!

  9. California Chrome Owner

    June 13, 2014 at 3:44 pm

    Marshawn Lynch took the coward’s way out.

  10. Can Newton

    June 13, 2014 at 12:26 pm

    Ohhhh Ohhh something that Michael Sam says when having sex sex with Aaron Rodgers!

  11. Kornholio

    June 13, 2014 at 12:00 pm

    I need TP for my bunghole!

  12. Cristiano Ronaldo

    June 13, 2014 at 9:10 am

    Messi can suck it

  13. 'Murica!

    June 12, 2014 at 10:10 pm

    That’s right! You tell that mexeekin commie to fuck off! Quarterbackin in the NFL is for Muricans only. No forerners allowed! We can hire them to dig ar ditches or even be president but never qb. Should be in that dang ol consteetushin. Aw shit Im out of Michelob! What girl do i have to slug arouund here to get a Michelob!?

  14. Anonymous

    June 12, 2014 at 7:25 pm

    Nobody likes you Ronaldo! It’s all about Lionel Messi!

  15. Cristiano Ronaldo

    June 12, 2014 at 6:23 pm

    If you wanna know go talk to Darth Anonymous

  16. Tom Brady

    June 12, 2014 at 10:27 am

    First find yourself a hot girlfriend or wife for me to bang.

  17. Peyton GODDAMN Manning

    June 12, 2014 at 10:26 am

    Now your talking my language Cristy. Tell me more.

  18. Cristiano Ronaldo

    June 12, 2014 at 8:38 am

    Hey what the fuck bro?

  19. 'Murica!

    June 12, 2014 at 8:01 am

    Shut yer commie mouth ronaldo. You leave the greatest Murican hero alone! We’re wit you Peyton. When my cuzzin Billie Jean and I have our first baby we gonna name him Peyton. Now lets hang this soccer luving commie for tryin to take away our real football and Murican spirit.

    *throws used dip cup at Cristiano Ronaldo*

  20. Cristiano Ronaldo

    June 12, 2014 at 7:18 am

    Please teach me the ropes of Quarterbacking Manning. I’ll teach you some cool tricks for soccer. *scores a goal* Besides, we all know my salary is larger than yours. *scores another goal*

  21. Peyton GODDAMN Manning

    June 12, 2014 at 2:17 am

    No one replaces the greatest QB called Peyton Manning, ask my ex-bitch Jimmy Irsay his team record when I decide to sit out and show how a team can’t function without it’s greatest player ever

  22. 'Murica!

    June 11, 2014 at 9:23 pm

    Well well. Looky here. We got urselves some Yurorpeen or Mekseekin tryin to force that new age fancy shmancy commie Soccer down our throats. We don’t like yer Soccer luvin kind around here. This here is our cuntry and we plays real football. And if you dont like it you can get out! Yeah ‘Murica!!!!!

  23. Cristiano Ronaldo

    June 11, 2014 at 8:30 pm

    Hello Americans, It seems I beat out some chap named Geno Smith for the QB job. What happens next? Tom Brady? Peyton? anyone want to give me a few pointers?

  24. A soccer fan

    June 11, 2014 at 8:28 pm

    allow me to demonstrate

  25. A soccer fan

    June 11, 2014 at 8:27 pm

    Hey profootballmock, with the FIFA World Cup being on tomorrow, could you please do some stuff on the World Cup? For example, I hear Cristiano Ronaldo was throwing one of our balls around with the Jets. Or perhaps have Russell Wilson trolling Aaron Rodgers scoring a goal fail mary style. Thank you.

  26. Tom Brady

    June 11, 2014 at 6:41 pm

    I was busy banging McCarron’s chick and Lurch’s wife, what I miss?

  27. Nick Foles

    June 11, 2014 at 11:14 am

    Has anyone seen Brady lately?

  28. Childish Bully

    June 11, 2014 at 10:37 am

    ^if they were up michael sam’s ass…….he still wouldnt know

  29. @MatthewStafford

    June 11, 2014 at 5:05 am

    RT Where’s the other quarterbacks?? #gone

  30. Anonymous

    June 11, 2014 at 12:57 am

    2 YYs U R 2 YYs I C I C U R 2 YYs 4 Me

  31. @ Anonymous

    June 10, 2014 at 11:25 pm

    Sometimes, yes. Other times it’s Brown Floyd, Purple Floyd, and (my personal favorite) Disappearing Floyd. Odd thing, now that you mention it. He likes to sing Comfortably Numb a lot. I wonder if that makes him a numb nuts by extension? Hmm.

  32. @ Your Old Gym Teacher

    June 10, 2014 at 11:21 pm

    Interesting process, but what do you do if you have a long squeaker for a fart? Do you just keep coughing? If so, wouldn’t someone get wise, or at least say something like, “That was a strange sounding cough?” And what about the violent, short farts? You know, the ones that feel like they’re a chipper/shredder, ripping through delicate butt flesh? Those have some power and noise behind them. Wouldn’t that overpower a cough and toe tap?

  33. Michael Vick

    June 10, 2014 at 11:18 pm

    Pick 6? As picking which six dog will win a dog fight?

  34. Andrew Luck

    June 10, 2014 at 9:29 pm

    I would appreciate it if no one fucks a duck on my truck. Please don’t do it I beg you.

  35. Anonymous

    June 10, 2014 at 9:27 pm

    Holy shit on a brick on a stick held by my dick while Vick flicks a pick-6 like a sick prick.

  36. Anonymous

    June 10, 2014 at 8:14 pm

    Fuck a duck in the butt on a truck owned by Luck while saying “Shucks”. That sucked.

  37. A Real Conspiracy Theorist

    June 10, 2014 at 7:27 pm

    You’re not gay Michael Sam! You may have fooled everyone else but I know the truth!

  38. Michael Sam

    June 10, 2014 at 7:21 pm

    OOh did someone say “buthurt”??? <——- Aaron Rodgers likes this

  39. Philosopher/Barrista

    June 10, 2014 at 3:19 pm

    Who is the troll? The Fake-Fake QB Convo’er, or the one who complains?

    Also, what if they are one and the same troll?

    If a troll trolls itself, does it buthurt?

  40. Anonymous

    June 10, 2014 at 2:44 pm

    @2 anonymouses ago

    Does that make his member a “Pink Floyd”?

  41. A Real Conspiracy Theorist

    June 10, 2014 at 2:01 pm

    They’re all the same person!!! Each and every one of you is one person! Expect the guy who whispers “penis”. He’s a secret agent and everytime he…does what he does, it causes this one person to change into different personalities in the comment section.

  42. Anonymous

    June 10, 2014 at 1:52 pm

    Shut up Fox News no one likes you!

  43. Serious Question

    June 10, 2014 at 1:41 pm

    If you don’t like the fake qb comments why not start a constructive discussion? If said comments are a waste of time how are complaints any better? Do you want to discuss something with someone or do you prefer to complain non-stop or pretend to be an NFL QB to incite non-stop complaining? Why did Tom Brady’s wife spit when I asked her to swallow? Which matchup are you looking forward to the most next year just for the sake of facebook conversations among the quarterbacks?

  44. Anyone on FoxNEWS

    June 10, 2014 at 1:17 pm

    Bergdahl is a traitor and should be tried for warcrimes as America’s greatest criminal, behind Obama, and Hillary

  45. The comedy community

    June 10, 2014 at 11:24 am

    @ Carlos, I don’t know why, but your comment feels … unoriginal. Almost like you stole it from someone else.

  46. Your old gym teacher

    June 10, 2014 at 11:22 am

    I figured out this one weird trick …
    … to getting away with farting in public.

    OK, here’s how it works.
    1. Assume a steady posture, legs shoulder width apart
    2. Judge the consistency of said flatulence–does it feel gassy? Solid? Liquid? We don’t want casualties, so be precise
    3. Wait for the fart to build–don’t rush! Rushing only makes it worse, louder, and increases the odds of sharting
    4. Begin a combination of coughing and tapping your foot, well in advance of the fart or farts. This establishes your strange idiosyncrasies when it comes down to launch
    5. The most important part–timing. Time your cough and/or foot tap to go off at the apex of your fart. Gauge the length of the fart, to coincide with the length and/or violence of your coughing/foot tapping fit.
    6. Walk away briskly (AKA crop dust) to get rid of the evidence and pretend nothing happened

  47. Aretha

    June 10, 2014 at 11:17 am

    R E S P E C T
    Find out what it means to me
    R E S P E C T
    Take care, TCB

    Oh! Sock it to me!

  48. Anonymous

    June 10, 2014 at 11:15 am

    ^^^^^^^^ This guy is a genius. He once sat next to a real QB. Also, he has a 12″ member he calls Floyd. That’s a guy you need to listen to and respect.

  49. I just don’t understand why people don’t like the QB comments; they’re so original, thoughtful, and above all, funny! Shame, shame, and tsk, tsk, to those who spread the hate to these creative souls.

  50. Captain Obvious

    June 10, 2014 at 10:58 am

    The hatred of fake QB comments feeds the trolls.

  51. Dane Cook

    June 9, 2014 at 11:39 pm

    Guess what? I’m funny, this is awesome, fake QB is boring, I’m awesome, totally awesome

  52. Carlos Mencia

    June 9, 2014 at 9:41 pm

    None of you are funny.

  53. Oh, please keep up the comments. These are even better than the real articles!

  54. Adam Silver

    June 9, 2014 at 6:41 pm

    Alright that’s enough Roger. I’ll have to fine you 2 million dollars and a lifelong ban from the NFL for being racist to black people. Also, you must transfer your power to me.

  55. Roger Goodell

    June 9, 2014 at 5:57 pm

    James Harrison, I’m gonna have to fine you $80,000 for failing to capitalize “God”

  56. James Harrison

    June 9, 2014 at 5:15 pm

    Thank god it’s RODney Harrison and not me

  57. No One Ever

    June 9, 2014 at 3:34 pm

    We’re so glad Roger Goodell is the commissioner. As long as he’s in charge the NFL has a great future.

  58. Roger Goodell

    June 9, 2014 at 12:57 pm

    Dammit Harrison, now I gotta fine you for having a bigger ROD than a horse. How’s $20,000 sound?

  59. Rodney Harrison

    June 9, 2014 at 11:16 am

    I just beat the shit out of a horse. Wanna see my RODney? It’s bigger than a horse’s.

  60. Roger Goodell

    June 9, 2014 at 9:00 am

    I just fined Rodney Harrison $17,500 for not running in the Belmont.

  61. Anonymous

    June 9, 2014 at 8:53 am

    Yet the heat won game 2 of the finals and Lebron didn’t cramp up so yea…

  62. Asian People

    June 9, 2014 at 8:48 am

    (Park a car)

  63. Manny Ramirez

    June 9, 2014 at 7:35 am

    (snaps Ball)

  64. Sun

    June 9, 2014 at 7:35 am

    (Rises in the west)

  65. Hell

    June 9, 2014 at 7:34 am

    (Freezes over)

  66. Pigs

    June 9, 2014 at 7:33 am

    (fly)

  67. Johnny Manziel

    June 9, 2014 at 7:08 am

    *Cramps up, and is unable to play for Cleveland*

  68. California Chrome

    June 9, 2014 at 6:07 am

    This race was human shit! I had that race won, but BEAST MODE had to come in and ruin it for me! I was supposed to be a Triple Crown winner, dammit! *Mule kicks the jockey in the face*

  69. LeBron James

    June 9, 2014 at 12:02 am

    *Cramps up, and is unable to walk*

  70. Stupid Convos Haters

    June 8, 2014 at 11:11 pm

    Hell yeah I’m pissed. FUCK all of you I have the IQ of a really stupid blonde and like to bitch at all of you for no reason. And I hate you cause you all have fun and I don’t. Hating on the Internet makes me feel better because I am stuck in a dead end job and live in my mom’s basement. And blah blah blah! You get the point…

  71. Meme of Ned Stark Holding A Sword

    June 8, 2014 at 9:10 pm

    Brace yourselves!! The QB-comment haters are coming!

  72. Manny Ramirez

    June 8, 2014 at 5:48 pm

    Did somebody say hike? (snaps ball)

  73. PEYTON-GODDAM-MANNING

    June 8, 2014 at 4:56 pm

    LISTEN HERE YOU LITTLE PIPSQUEAK!!! I CAN’T HELP IT IF MY RECEIVERS CAN’T GET OPEN AND MY DEFENSE CAN’T GET OFF THE FIELD!!! AND WHO’S SMARTASS IDEA WAS IT TO PLAY IN NY IN THE WINTER?!?!?! I SWEAR TO GOD IF WE MEET AGAIN THIS YEAR I’LL TAKE THAT MICROSOFT SURFACE YOU’VE BEEN HOCKING ON TV, TURN THAT SONOFABITCH SIDEWAYS AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!!!

  74. Russell Wilson

    June 8, 2014 at 4:51 pm

    Maybe because we beat you in the super bowl?

  75. PEYTON-GODDAM-MANNING

    June 8, 2014 at 4:24 pm

    How can there be an article without mentioning the GREAT-PEYTON-GODDAMN-MANNING?

  76. Sam Bradford

    June 8, 2014 at 11:09 am

    Did somebody say penis?? If you did count me, Aaron Rodgers, and Michael Sam in :)

  77. Guy Who Whispers "Penis"

    June 8, 2014 at 10:33 am

    *Whispers* Penis

  78. Drew Brees

    June 8, 2014 at 8:20 am

    No

  79. Pingback: Lynch Wins the Belmont - SportsHoopla.com Sports Forums

  80. Sean Payton

    June 8, 2014 at 8:03 am

    Drew, did you travel back in time to become the US president in 1877?

  81. Drew Brees

    June 8, 2014 at 7:07 am

    Well Nick, There’s two Ben Roethlesbergers and Aaron Rodgers is on a rampage again.

  82. Ben Roethlesberger

    June 8, 2014 at 7:04 am

    Because Mark Sanchez likes his head up peoples asses you see?

  83. Mark Sanchez

    June 8, 2014 at 7:03 am

    How does my head get stuck up a horses ass?

  84. Nick Foles

    June 8, 2014 at 7:01 am

    What the fuck is happening here?!?

  85. Ben Roethlesberger

    June 8, 2014 at 6:59 am

    No Rodgers that’s my job but I do it to girls.

  86. Aaron Rodgers

    June 8, 2014 at 6:57 am

    CUTLER ILL BEAT THE FUCKING SHIT OUT OF YOU, SAME WITH YOU SEACHICKEN

  87. Young college white girl

    June 8, 2014 at 2:06 am

    You can’t fool me, I know which one is the real Ben Roethlesberger

  88. Jay Cutler

    June 7, 2014 at 9:58 pm

    Yeah nice try Rogers we know its you

  89. Anonymous

    June 7, 2014 at 8:23 pm

    Its funny because Russell Wilson is a short little fucking troll you see! At least he was with people his height for once.

  90. Charlie Batch

    June 7, 2014 at 7:41 pm

    I can tell which Ben is the real Ben since I’ve been his backup for nearly a decade. Let me see here….. “Ben Roethlesberger” who obviously is the real since he obviously didn’t spell his name incorrectly.

  91. Cygnia

    June 7, 2014 at 6:06 pm

    ALL HAIL BEAST MODE!

  92. LauraMG

    June 7, 2014 at 5:43 pm

    That. Was. Awesome.

  93. Ben Roethlesberger

    June 7, 2014 at 5:42 pm

    What the fuck a second Ben Roethlisberger??

  94. Ben Roethlesberger

    June 7, 2014 at 5:41 pm

    Because Marshawn Lynch is fast you see?

  95. Ben Rothelisberger

    June 7, 2014 at 5:37 pm

    IT’S FUNNY THEY SAID HE WAS MORE HORSE THAN MAN, BECAUSE OF HIS GIANT PECKER, YOU SEE?

  96. Anonymous

    June 7, 2014 at 4:19 pm

    And PFM delivers once again

  97. Anonymous

    June 7, 2014 at 4:18 pm

    Big Ben comment in 3..2..1..

  98. Anonymous

    June 7, 2014 at 4:15 pm

    “And besides, his jockey, Mr. R. Wilson, met the appropriate height requirements.” LOLOLOL

  99. Anonymous

    June 7, 2014 at 4:06 pm

    That was hilarious

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