From the PFM Vault: Malibu Barbie Creeped Out Being On Same Shelf As Ben Roethlisberger Doll
(originally published Oct.24, 2012)
CONNELLSVILLE, PA – According to sources close to the plaything, Malibu Barbie claimed that her new home on the shelf of a bedroom shared by twin siblings Connor and Hailey Allman is making her feel, “sort of uncomfortable,” it was reported early today.
“He just sits there, staring at me, with that creepy smile and those weird open arms,” said the doll recently. “He doesn’t get the hint that I’m just not that into him. And, we all know that he’s not the best at taking, ‘No,’ for an answer. God, I wish I wasn’t stuck on this damn shelf.”
“Barbie’s definitely not thrilled with her new home, that’s for sure,” said Surf City Christie, a close friend. “Ever since Hailey moved her to that shelf last week, she’s felt really weird , and kind of vulnerable. It certainly doesn’t help that she’s wearing that tiny bikini either. I know she wishes she still had her optional windbreaker and beach sarong to give her some extra modesty, but unfortunately those items were sold separately. So now she just feels totally exposed.”
A birthday gift to Hailey from Aunt Sarah in Chicago, Barbie had previously resided in the two story “Malibu Barbie Deluxe Beach House,” which was equipped with a full kitchen, flat-screen TV, and furnished balcony for socializing with friends. But the recent addition of newborn Emma to the Allman family necessitated Hailey’s sharing of a room with her twin brother. And with that move, came Barbie’s relocation to the top shelf of Connor’s toy wall, where the doll found herself amidst several toy trucks, pretend elephants, and of course, the stuffed Steelers QB.
“Look, I can deal with the other masculine toys,” Barbie said. “But it’s just him, and his stalker face that bugs me. I mean, yes, I’m a Chargers fan, but that’s besides the point. Do you know how hard it is to sleep knowing that he’s just two feet away, always watching me, always with his (expletive)ing arms open like that? God, it freaks me out so much. I just wish those kids hadn’t blown Ken’s face off with some M-80’s last June. He’d protect me, somehow.”