Local Man: “If I Had A Girlfriend, I Bet She’d Be Very Impressed With My Fantasy Football Lineup”

Updated: December 1, 2014

Well, it’s that time of year again. Fantasy football playoffs! Oh man, I can’t wait. I’m the number three seed in my ten man league, my players are mostly healthy, and I really feel like my squad is peaking at the right time.

"I can't afford authentic NFL jerseys! Whoo-hoo!"


Yep. If I had a girlfriend, I’ll bet she’d be REALLY impressed with my fantasy football lineup right about now.


First of all, just look at my quarterback. If I was in a serious relationship with a pretty girl, she would probably be SO impressed with the fact that I drafted Ben Roethlisberger in the eleventh round back in August. I’m sure we’d spend many a romantic evening just snuggling up by the fire, and she’d marvel at how amazing it is that I took the sixth highest scoring QB in fantasy football after no fewer than FOURTEEN other signal callers were chosen. “That’s a fantastic value pick in the later rounds,” she’d purr into my ear while nuzzling up close and running her finger along my cheek.


And what about my running back lineup? Oh, you just know she’d be hot and flustered over my 1-2 punch of Eddie Lacy and Marshawn Lynch. Clearly, my plan of loading up on quality rushers in the early rounds was a brilliant move, and her quick, aroused gasps while looking at my league-leading RB stats would be all the proof of that I would need. And yeah, drafting Toby Gerhart in the sixth round didn’t end up being the steal that I hoped it would be. But my hypothetical sweetheart wouldn’t care, because she’d know that my free agent pick up of Tre Mason really saved me in a couple of those midseason games.


I’ll bet she’d go out to lunch with all her pretty girlfriends, and brag about how much of a genius her man is for drafting Jordy Nelson and Jeremy Maclin in the third and fifth rounds, respectively. Those two have been the foundation of an above average receiving corps for me. But of course, the crème de la crème, the fact that would really have all her theoretical friends giggling and blushing during their pillow fights or whatever, would be when she informed them of how I picked up Odell Beckham Jr. as a free agent right before he became the hottest receiver in the NFL.


And when we got comfortable in bed late at night, and she’d slide herself into my arms, looking deep into my eyes with a mixture of raw lust and pure adoration, I’d simply whisper the six words that would make her lose all control: “Rob Gronkowski. Fourth round draft steal.” That information alone could very well bring her to a shrieking, passion-filled climax.


Yep. It sure is too bad that I don’t have a girlfriend. If I did, she would obviously be impressed beyond words with the strength of my fantasy football lineup. And I would make her feel like quite the lovely princess when I would take her to Golden Corral with the $60 grand prize I’m hoping to win at the end of this year’s playoffs.

Leave a Reply


  1. DangerRuss

    December 3, 2014 at 9:28 am

    Golden Corral – don’t spoil her now. Keep in mind that YOU are going to win your league and any imaginary girlfriend shouldn’t be allowed to gold-dig on your fantasy football prowess. That being said, your pickup of Beckham has me so aroused you could drown a toddler in my panties right now.

  2. AnonyMOOSE

    December 2, 2014 at 6:47 pm

    Only one problem: Toby Gerhart would never have been available in the sixth round. In my draft I took him in the third round and he was one of the top RBs that were left.

  3. Anonymous

    December 2, 2014 at 5:23 pm

    If I had a girlfriend I bet she would be impressed with my superior knowledge of the NFL! I know it’s history, plays, rules, players, owners, etc. That knowledge doesn’t help me in real life but I bet she would love it!

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