Johnny Manziel Has Offensive “Cheat Sheet” Printed Onto Playcalling Flask

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Updated: December 14, 2014

CLEVELAND  – Rookie QB Johnny Manziel, in an effort to more quickly process play calls sent in to him from Browns offensive coordinator Kyle Shanahan during his first start of the season on Sunday against the Cincinnati Bengals, carried with him onto the field during each Cleveland series a custom-made, stainless steel whiskey flask, on the side of which had been printed his team’s entire offensive playbook in miniature form, according to team sources.

 

If it seems odd to you that the entire Browns playbook consists of eight total plays, you're right. The actual amount is more like five.

If it seems odd to you that the entire Browns playbook consists of eight total plays, you’re right. The actual amount is more like five.

 

“Yeah, It’s just somethin’ I do to help me remember formations, audibles, hot routes, shit like that,” said the first-year signal caller out of Texas A&M. “Plus, I make a fun little drinking game out of it. If Coach calls an off-tackle run, that means I take a shot. A play-action pass? I take a shot. Shotgun formation? I take a… You get the idea.”

 

Added Manziel: “I think it helps give me an edge in calling plays. Plus it also helps take the edge off a little too,‘ nah whaddimean, brah?”

 

“I’m proud of Johny for taking this action,” said Browns head coach Mike Pettine. “Combining a metal flask with a play calling cheat sheet shows that Johnny has already developed the ingenuity of a savvy veteran, albeit a slightly boozier one. Now I feel comfortable knowing that no matter what play we call for him, Johnny will have all the information right there at his fingertips. The only downside of course is that as the game progresses, his passes tend to get wobblier and more unsteady. As do his legs, for that matter.”

 

When asked by reporters if it wouldn’t make more sense to simply print the playbook on a wristband, as other quarterbacks often do, Manziel responded by belching loudly, giggling, and passing out face down onto the podium.

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3 Comments

  1. Maverick Mopete

    December 15, 2014 at 6:16 am

    Johnny “Man Did He Smell” sure left a steaming pile of vomit on the field yesterday, didn’t he? He’s got a long way to go if he’s going to be Starter Material.

    Of course, given the fact that his team’s defense gave up 30 points and was basically as ineffective as a math textbook to Ben Roethlisberger, we can’t pin all the blame on Johnny Failball. Maybe 99% of it, but not all 100%.

    • PEYTON GODDAMN MANNING

      December 15, 2014 at 9:13 am

      HE’S WORSE THAN HOYER LOLOLOL

  2. AnonyMOOSE

    December 14, 2014 at 6:55 pm

    He sure needed a “cheat sheet” based on all those picks and incomplete passes he threw.

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