Jimmy Graham: “I’m Way Too Crappy As A Blocker To Be Franchised As A TE”

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Updated: March 8, 2014

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Hey, have you guys heard about this shit? My contract with the Saints has expired, which means I’m eligible for free agency, which means that your old pal Jimmy Graham is about to get PAID, son. Whoot woot. As the top receiving threat on the market, I’m about to make some MAD CASH, y’all.

 

But hang on: New Orleans doesn’t want to lose me, on account of I’m the best player on their whole damn team. YES BETTER THAN DREW BREES, AND FUCK YOU FOR ASKING THAT. So they wanna slap my ass with what they call the “franchise tag,” which is fine by me because then they’ll have to pay me the average salary of the top five players in the NFL at my position. Pretty sweet, right?

 

But here’s where shit gets all fucked up: They wanna franchise me as a TIGHT END. You believe that crap? I had an average per catch last season of 14.1 yards, which is among the best in the league for ANY position. Yet they have the balls to claim that I’m a natural tight end and not a wideout.

 

Well they’re 100% wrong, and I can prove it. I am CLEARLY a wide receiver, and a wide receiver only. Because as anyone who’s seen a Saints game during the last couple of seasons can tell you, I am way too crappy as a blocker to be considered a TE.

 

I mean, that’s the definition of a tight end, right? Someone who lines up just to the outside of the tackle and either goes out for a pass or stays in to block, right? Well, I can do the “out for a pass” part, no problem. All I have to do is motion away from the line, set up in the slot or wide to the outside, and then run a downfield pattern to catch a long bomb, at which point I sprint into the end zone, leap ten feet in the air and gracefully dunk the ball over the crossbar. Hey, you know who else does that? WIDE FUCKING RECEIVERS, that’s who.

Here we say Drew Brees being sacked due to lousy blocking. Not pictured: any fucks given by me.

Here we see Drew Brees about to be sacked due to lousy blocking. Not pictured: any fucks given by me.

 

But that whole “stay in to block” thing? Psssh. Fuck that noise. I leave that grunt work to the jarheads like Jason Witten and Kyle Rudolph. Jimmy Graham’s face is WAYYY too pretty to be getting beat up by the Jared Allens and the Robert Quinns of the world. Blocking those huge, vicious bastards is dirty tight end work, and Jimmy Graham is NO TIGHT END.

 

Right now you’re probably thinking, “Jimmy, who cares? What difference does it make if they call you a wide receiver or a tight end?” And to that I answer, IT MAKES FIVE MILLION DOLLARS WORTH OF FUCKING DIFFERENCE. That’s how much more the Saints have to pay me if they franchise me as a WR, like they should. Shit, for five million dollars a year, they can classify me as an 18th century Japanese geisha girl for all I care, and fuck you if you don’t think I won’t smear white makeup all over my face, put on one of those long flowing dresses, and then tee-hee and fan myself all the way to the bank.

 

So the Saints can call me a tight end all they want to, but I know the real truth and I’m gonna hold tightly onto that truth like the Seahawks secondary on a crossing pattern. Because the truth is that I am a WIDE RECEIVER, and I’ve got the crappy blocking skills to prove it. And no one out there had better say otherwise. Because so help me, if anyone dares to call me an adequate blocker, I will personally beat the ever-living crap outta them, so long as they don’t try any fancy swim moves, bull rushes, or shoulder dips, ’cause I tend to lose my balance and fall down if my opponent doesn’t stay directly in front of me at all times.

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77 Comments

  1. me

    July 11, 2014 at 4:55 am

    Fuck jimmy bullshit baby graham

  2. Queen Elizabeth II

    April 28, 2014 at 9:19 am

    Luck, If I wanted my ring defiled, I’d have Sam Bradford use it.

  3. Richard Sherman

    April 14, 2014 at 10:08 am

    Well im the best corner in the game and when you tryed me crabtree thats the result your gonna get dont you open your mouth about the best or im a shut it for you real quick LOB

  4. Michael Crabtree

    April 14, 2014 at 9:16 am

    You’re a crappy defense.

  5. Legion of Boom

    April 6, 2014 at 5:37 pm

    He’s a crappy overall TE.

  6. Vladimir Putin

    March 23, 2014 at 2:30 pm

    *laughs* Vell, Vell Vell, Vut do ve have here? *drinks vodka* Americans discussing sports? Vell, time to take advantage. *invades Crimea*

  7. Malaysia Airlines Passenger

    March 19, 2014 at 7:49 am

  8. Andrew Luck

    March 17, 2014 at 9:22 am

    Your majesty! *bows and kisses her ring* It is an honor to be speaking with the finest monarch in the world. You have no idea what this means to me.

  9. Queen Elizabeth II

    March 15, 2014 at 8:56 pm

    Indeed that is me, and I am quite, as the Americans like to say, uh, ready, for some football?

  10. Philip Rivers

    March 11, 2014 at 10:47 pm

    Queen Elizabeth II? The longest reining monarch in the world?

  11. City Of Cleveland

    March 11, 2014 at 11:57 am

    FUCK

  12. 2016 London Browns

    March 11, 2014 at 11:46 am

    Boom we won the super bowl

  13. The Queen of England

    March 10, 2014 at 8:32 pm

    Good news chaps some kind bloke named art modell offered to move there american football team across the pond to london i hear that wilson player is quite good

  14. Art Modell

    March 10, 2014 at 8:02 pm

    Over my dead body!

  15. City of Cleveland

    March 10, 2014 at 6:26 pm

    Yes finally.

  16. Russell Wilson

    March 10, 2014 at 3:54 pm

    No worries, I’ll just help the Browns win a Super Bowl.

  17. Jimmy Graham

    March 10, 2014 at 3:52 pm

    FUCK YOU GOODELL, I’M NOT GOING TO FUCKING JACKSONVILLE!!

  18. Roger Goodell

    March 10, 2014 at 3:52 pm

    You know what, fuck it. You guys aren’t suspended. I have a better punishment. Russell, you are forced to play in Cleveland for the next 10 years. To Jacksonville with you, Jimmy, for the rest of your career on league minimum salary.

  19. Roger Goodell

    March 10, 2014 at 3:48 pm

    Dammit, Wilson, why did you change my name?? You are also suspended. Six games for you for trying to undermine my supremacy!!

  20. Jimmy Graham

    March 10, 2014 at 3:46 pm

    That’s it, Jimmy!! I have had with your complaining about your status, and now you just left me no choice. You are suspended for four games.

  21. Jimmy Graham

    March 10, 2014 at 3:45 pm

    Goodell, you can eat a big fat cock. I still don’t forgive you for BountyGate, or for classifying me as a tight end for the sake of the franchise tag. It’s all your fault!!

  22. Tony Romo

    March 10, 2014 at 3:42 pm

    I HATE YOU GUYS!!!!!!!111

  23. Every other QB

    March 10, 2014 at 3:41 pm

    BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH LOL LOL LOL TONY ROMO SUCKS HAHAHAHA AHAHA HA

  24. Tony Romo

    March 10, 2014 at 3:41 pm

    Hey guys. Let me just say that…

  25. Seattle Seahawks General Manager

    March 10, 2014 at 9:49 am

    He has a no cut clause

  26. Roger Goodell

    March 10, 2014 at 8:38 am

    I WILL GIVE YOU A FINE THAT’S EXACTLY AS MUCH AS YOUR CONTRACT, CALL THE NFLPA, BRIBE THEM TO MAKE A BULLSHIT EXCUSE TO TAKE A VOTE AGAINST YOU, AND EVENTUALLY KICK YOU OUT OF THE NFL, WILSON!

  27. Russell Wilson

    March 10, 2014 at 8:36 am

    And if you repeat one more year of your reign Mr. Goodell, you will earn yourself the title of the worst commissioner ever.

  28. Roger Goodell

    March 10, 2014 at 8:34 am

    Also, I would like to congratulate you on a magnificent season, Jimmy. If you can repeat one more of year of such performance, you will earn yourself the most lucrative contract for a Tight End ever

  29. Ben Roethlisberger

    March 10, 2014 at 8:28 am

    BECAUSE EVERYONE ON PFM IS SO CHILDISH, YOU SEE!

  30. Roger Goodell

    March 10, 2014 at 8:27 am

    If you could excuse me Peyton, I would like to remind you that immature audience might be reading this conversation

  31. Peyton Manning

    March 10, 2014 at 8:25 am

    WILSON, I WILL…

  32. Russell Wilson

    March 10, 2014 at 8:21 am

    Just like you didn’t this year.

  33. Peyton Manning

    March 10, 2014 at 8:20 am

    As far as I remember, no he didn’t.

  34. Matt Ryan

    March 10, 2014 at 8:18 am

    Hey can anyone remember Flacco winning a Super Bowl?

  35. Joe Flacco

    March 10, 2014 at 8:17 am

    I have been over this with you cocksuckers like a million times! I won a Super Bowl two years ago!

  36. Eli Manning

    March 10, 2014 at 8:16 am

    Vomits

  37. Sam Bradford

    March 10, 2014 at 8:14 am

    Do foreskin rings count?

  38. Peyton Manning

    March 10, 2014 at 8:12 am

    Engagement rings don’t count, Flactard

  39. Joe Flacco

    March 10, 2014 at 8:11 am

    Goddamn how many times do I have to tell you I have a ring!

  40. Bens Agents and Lawyers

    March 10, 2014 at 7:54 am

    Your right Ben now SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!

  41. Ben Roethlisberger

    March 10, 2014 at 3:22 am

    HE’S SAYING THAT TONY ROMO DOESN’T PLAY WELL IN IMPORTANT GAMES, JOE FLACCO IS NOT ELITE AND HASN’T WON A SUPER BOWL RING, AND I LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH GIRLS WITHOUT THEIR… WAIT A SEC THIS DOESN’T SOUND RIGHT

  42. Tom Brady

    March 10, 2014 at 3:20 am

    Claiming that Aaron Rodgers isn’t gay is as wrong as saying Tony Romo doesn’t choke, Roethlisberger doesn’t rape, and most importantly, Joe Flacco has a Super Bowl Ring

  43. Tim Tebow

    March 9, 2014 at 11:34 pm

    Aaron, I admire your on-the-field play, but I cannot condone your homosexual lifestyle. If you can confess your sins, and open your eyes to God, you can achieve the true success He has for you.

  44. Russell Wilson

    March 9, 2014 at 11:06 pm

    Only when you face the truth about you being gay Rodgers.

  45. Aaron Rodgers

    March 9, 2014 at 7:44 pm

    Hey change my name back Wilson

  46. Aaron Is Gay Rodgers

    March 9, 2014 at 7:43 pm

    I AM NOT GAY

  47. Ben Roethlisberger

    March 9, 2014 at 5:53 pm

    ITS FUNNY BECAUSE AARON ROGERS IS GAY

  48. Aaron Rodgers

    March 9, 2014 at 4:41 pm

    Can I do your dad Jay sorry for the short notice

  49. Ben Roethlisberger

    March 9, 2014 at 3:16 pm

    Hey, that was my idea!

  50. Jay Cutler's Mom

    March 9, 2014 at 1:41 pm

    I’m running some specials this week!

    25 cent handjobs
    50 cent blowjobs
    Dollar bangs

    All 3 for $1.50!

  51. Aaron Rodgers

    March 9, 2014 at 12:37 pm

    GODDAMNIT I’M “NOT” GAY! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY THIS TO YOU JIZZRAGS?

  52. Tom Brady

    March 9, 2014 at 12:35 pm

    Which further proves that you are in fact gay, Rodgers.

  53. Aaron Rodgers

    March 9, 2014 at 12:34 pm

    BRADFORD, I WILL SHOVE MY DICK DEEP DOWN YOUR THROAT SO YOU WON’T BE TALKING ANYTIME SOON!

  54. Philip Rivers

    March 9, 2014 at 12:32 pm

    OMG WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU BRADFORD!

  55. Sam Bradford

    March 9, 2014 at 12:32 pm

    Yeah, but I was 8 years old and it was my sister I was talking about

  56. RG3

    March 9, 2014 at 12:31 pm

    Bradford, when I lost MY virginity, I expanded that girl’s vagina with my 18 inch cock to the point where Stephen Hawking wanted to use her as an example of space and time expansion.

  57. Sam Bradford

    March 9, 2014 at 12:29 pm

    Hey guys, do you wanna hear about something being expanded? Boy I really expanded that vagina when I lost my virginity.

  58. Jay Cutler

    March 9, 2014 at 12:24 pm

    LEAVE MY MOTHER OUT OF THIS, CHIN PUBES!

  59. Colin Kaepernick

    March 9, 2014 at 12:23 pm

    That still won’t be enough to catch up to Jay Cutler’s mom’s snatch

  60. Peyton Manning

    March 9, 2014 at 12:20 pm

    WILSON, I WILL FORCE FEED YOU 18 PAPA JOHN’S PIZZAS UNTIL YOUR THROAT EXPANDS MORE THAN AARON HERNANDEZ’S ASSHOLE!

  61. Russell Wilson

    March 9, 2014 at 12:18 pm

    Not as disgusting as eating Papa John’s pizzas

  62. Cam Newton

    March 9, 2014 at 12:17 pm

    Bradford, you are a disgusting pervert!

  63. Drew Brees

    March 9, 2014 at 12:15 pm

    Gaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh

  64. Sam Bradford

    March 8, 2014 at 9:46 pm

    Gay men sucking on toes is pretty bland, Aaron. Doing it while giving an old-fashioned reach-around to the person near you, as you yourself bob up and down on a sex machine modeled after the one seen in George Clooney’s “Burn After Reading”, with your own diarrhea serving as natural lubricant, all while your naked grandmother watches and films, now that’s pretty exciting.

  65. Rex Ryan

    March 8, 2014 at 9:27 pm

    *orgasms*

  66. Alex Smith

    March 8, 2014 at 9:00 pm

    Your gayness aside, Aaron, I saw Deadspin has found pictures of you sucking on toes. You trying to impress Rex Ryan and get traded to the Jets or something?

  67. Aaron Rodgers

    March 8, 2014 at 7:45 pm

    Dammit, I am *NOT* gay. Also, go fuck yourself, Cuntler.

  68. Jay Cutler

    March 8, 2014 at 7:43 pm

    Wouldn’t that be Rodgers’ job? At least Roethlisberger rapes women..

  69. Donald

    March 8, 2014 at 4:46 pm

    Shut the FUCK up Wilson or I’ll have Roethlisburger rape ur asshole so Fucking hard that it will resemble a shredded beef that even Rodgers won’t touch!!

  70. Anonymous

    March 8, 2014 at 1:08 pm

    Shut up Va-Jay-Jay. Go smoke another female cigar. Also, your mom.

  71. Russel Wilson

    March 8, 2014 at 12:38 pm

    You can come play TE for us if you’d like…

  72. Jay Cutler

    March 8, 2014 at 11:11 am

    Listen, bub, I don’t mind too much getting the your mom insults, but I really wish they would come from someone who was actually willing to take the credit for it.

  73. Ben Roethlisberger

    March 8, 2014 at 9:53 am

    IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE JIMMY GRAHAM WANTS AS MUCH MONEY AS POSSIBLE AND IS A PISS POOR BLOCKER SO HE IS TRYING TO BENEFIT FROM HIS OWN WEAKNESS BY CALLING HIMSELF A WIDE RECEIVER, YOU SEE.

  74. Anonymous

    March 8, 2014 at 8:37 am

    Bradford it’s more wide open than Jay Cutler’s mom’s legs.

  75. Sam Bradford

    March 8, 2014 at 6:34 am

    If he’s a tigh end then what is Aaron Hernandezes end like

  76. Eli Manning

    March 8, 2014 at 5:51 am

    FIRST… oh goddammit Tom! Why do you have to be better than me at everything?

  77. Tom Brady

    March 8, 2014 at 5:49 am

    If Jimmy Graham is a wide receiver, I’m a punter.

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