Jim McMahon: “Our Concussion Lawsuit Against The NFL Is Crucial Because… Wait, What Were We Talking About?

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Updated: April 7, 2013

Above: MacMahon explains the long-term effects of concussions on brain functions, unaware that the reporter left the room 15 minutes ago.

Above: MacMahon explains the long-term effects of concussions on brain functions, unaware that the reporter left the room 15 minutes ago.

As you probably know, hundreds of former NFL players, myself included, are suing the league because of multiple concussions we received during our playing days. I’d like to take a moment to explain to you exactly why this litigation is so vital and… wait, what were we talking about again?

 

Oh right, the concussion lawsuit. Sorry, I zoned out for a minute there. Anyway, this suit is vital, not just for past players like myself whose lives have been negatively effected by these dangerous brain injuries, but also for all current and future players, to ensure that they will receive the best protection and medical care that… um… the best care… shoot, I had something I wanted to say, and now I can’t recall what it was.

 

Well look, many of you probably remember that I played quarterback for the Chicago Bears from 1982-88. At least that’s what they tell me. Honestly, a lot of that is a blur to me. I sort of recall getting drafted and signing a contract, and I seem to remember handing the ball off to a Walter somebody a lot. Also, there was a thing where we sang a song? About some big game? Does any of that sound familiar?

 

Martin's blatantly illegal hit was one of the worst cheap shots in history, while simultaneously being the highlight of the 1980's for Green Bay fans.

Martin’s blatantly illegal hit was one of the worst cheap shots in history, while simultaneously being the highlight of the 1980’s for Green Bay fans.

Even though I personally have no recollection of it, apparently back in ’86 some guy from the Green Bay Something-or-Others tackled me very hard, well after a whistle had blown. I missed the rest of the season due to a separated shoulder. How does this relate to the issue of concussions? Simply put, it… um… um… oh man, I am just having so many “senior moments” today, aren’t I?

 

CONCUSSIONS! That’s what we were talking about. right? Concussions? Okay, got it. So look, over the years, literally thousands of ex-NFLers have suffered debilitating head injuries. This is a massive problem, and the league has not done nearly enough to care for these men. We’re talking about great players like Art Monk, Tony Dorsett, Eric Martin, Conrad Dobler. The list goes on and on. These players helped build the league into the juggernaut it is today, but due to poor field conditions and inadequate protection, they suffered brain trauma that will haunt them for the rest of their lives. It is a crucial issue, and one that should not be taken looble gooble doop.

 

No, wait, what I wanted to say was that it’s time the NFL took responsibility for the men who suffer today because of the negligence of the league over the past several decades. We will not rest until every player whose life has been touched by concussion trauma receives a fair and just settlement from the nice waitress at Denny’s that brings me my Moons Over My Hammy every morning and always remembers to bring me a bowl of fruit on the side even when I forget why I’m there and suddenly grab her by the shoulders and try to head-butt her because I think that she’s Jay Hilgenberg, my old center, who was as fine an interior blocker as ever served up a great cup of coffee with a delicious breakfast and some of those famous hash browns on the side.

 

Anyway, I hope I’ve helped educate you as to the serious nature of concussion injuries effecting retired NFL players. It’s a gravely serious epidemic, and I sure hope that someone, some day, files a lawsuit against the NFL because of it. Heck, I’d join that suit in a second. Thank you for your attention, and in conclusion: gribble grabble derp.

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2 Comments

  1. Fred G Samford

    April 17, 2013 at 6:08 am

    I forgot next the players will start sueing each other ” O he hit me to hard so I am sueing you for pain and suffering!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BABIES

  2. Fred G Samford

    April 17, 2013 at 6:06 am

    What a bunch of idiot. How can you have a lawsuit over something that you know can happen. I played football for many years never made it into the pro but you know playing the game that concussion are part of the game. Here we go with one these lawsuit that people make and do not deserve. On I put my dog in the microwave and he blew up so I should sue the microwave community because they did not have a warning label saying I can not put my dog in the microwave to dry him. Next they will be sueing the NFL best they wanted to play for 15 year and only got to play for 10 because they had a ACL injury and it the NFL fault for not telling every player that it could end they career. So the United State need to get rid of the kind of lawsuit so the can actully have time to put real bad people in jail. What a bunch of LOSER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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