Jim Irsay Accused Of Owning While Intoxicated

By
Updated: March 17, 2014

INDIANAPOLIS – Longtime Colts owner and CEO Jim Irsay, 54, was arrested early this morning by local police, and has been charged with four felony counts of owning while intoxicated (OWI).

His wardrobe alone should’ve been a dead giveaway.

His wardrobe alone should’ve been a dead giveaway.

 

 

“Our officers observed Mr. Irsay owning the Colts in a rather erratic fashion,” said Indianapolis Police Chief Rick Hite.  “During the 2013 season alone, Mr. Irsay’s franchise was seen violently swerving from impressive victories over the Broncos, Seahawks and 49ers to sloppy, out-of-control losses to the Rams and Cardinals. Such wild veering is generally a dead giveaway to a team under impaired ownership.”

 

Added Hite: “We’re just lucky the situation wasn’t worse. Managing while intoxicated can kill someone’s career”

 

“We’ve long suspected that Jim Irsay might have a problem with drinking and owning,” said Colts G.M. Ryan Grigson. “All the telltale signs were there. Trading a first round draft pick for Trent Richardson. Letting Donald Brown walk in free agency. Cutting ties with the greatest quarterback in NFL history right before he posts two of the most impressive seasons of his career. In retrospect, it’s pretty obvious the dude was blitzed.”

 

Added Grigson, “And then of course, there’s his Twitter feed. No sober person could ever possibly produce that Twitter feed.”

 

Angry Colts fans have responded to the allegation by forming an activist group calling itself Fans Against Tipsy Tycoons In Entertainment and Sports.

 

“We hereby condemn the actions of Jim Irsay, as it perpetuates all the negative stereotypes about Indianapolis residents in general and Colts fans specifically,” said FATTIES spokesperson Martha Stout. “By commiting the heinous act of owning while intoxicated, Mr. Irsay is reinforcing the notion that all Colts fans are nothing more than Budweiser-swilling, cow-tipping, fast-food eating, John Cougar Mellencamp listening, redneck yokels without an ounce of class or sophistication, and nothing could be further from the truth. Many of us prefer Schlitz.”

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85 Comments

  1. Matt Ryan

    April 16, 2014 at 9:36 am

    *runs away but tears ACL*

  2. Tony Gonzalez

    March 25, 2014 at 10:15 pm

    *loads shotgun at hearing Matt Ryan*

  3. Stayford Maddington III

    March 24, 2014 at 7:14 am

    Tell you what, we’ll stop when the eagles win the Super Bowl. How does that sound?

  4. Anonymous

    March 22, 2014 at 5:58 pm

    I’m pretty sure its just one person trying to be funny and ruining the comment section. I really wish PFM would tell them to shut the fuck up because they aren’t listening to everyone else.

  5. Matt Ryan

    March 22, 2014 at 11:19 am

    Sup?

  6. Hurgerding Burgerking

    March 21, 2014 at 4:33 pm

    Well so far the Colts only need to get to the Super Bowl once during Luck’s career. So no pressure lol

  7. CJ

    March 21, 2014 at 2:32 pm

    …. 1. why are people commenting like the character in “NFL Quarterbacks on Facebook?”
    2. Terrible seasons? yeah we’ve had some hickups but we’ve been in the 10 ten teams in the last two seasons since the rebuild
    3. Keep Manning? Are you kidding me? We got rid of Peyton because he has, at best, 5 more years to play and what would we do after that, trade for a sub par QB like Tannehill or RGIII? No we got rid of manning because everyone knew Luck was a prodigy and that only comes around once in a blue moon and we had the first pick in the draft so the odds were ever in our favor.

  8. Russell Wilson

    March 21, 2014 at 2:25 pm

    Look at it this way McCown. I still have one ring and am way more elite than Joe Flacco.

  9. Josh McCown

    March 21, 2014 at 9:28 am

    Well, look on the bright side Cam, I still have Vincent Jackson and Mike Williams to throw to. Hash tag they’re still good right?

  10. Cam Newton

    March 21, 2014 at 6:33 am

    And thanks for leaving the team, along with every OTHER receiver we had

  11. Cam Newton

    March 20, 2014 at 6:36 pm

    Shut the FUCK up Steve. I’m going into surgery for my ankle

  12. Tyrol Taylor

    March 20, 2014 at 2:15 pm

    You Damm Right

  13. Phillip Rivers

    March 20, 2014 at 11:25 am

    Tavaris Jackson? Backup QB for the Seattle Seahawks?

    And moonlighter as Tyrod Taylor?

  14. Tavares Jackson

    March 20, 2014 at 9:16 am

    FUCK YEAH

  15. Steve Smith

    March 20, 2014 at 9:15 am

    No I was talking about the REAL QB on the roster, Tavaris Jackson

  16. Joe Flacco

    March 20, 2014 at 9:14 am

    Thank you so much Steve. I AM ELITE

  17. Steve Smith

    March 20, 2014 at 9:13 am

    Yeah Cam if your ankle wasn’t hurt. blah blah Blah bullshit. I now got me a real QB on the Boltimore Ravens

  18. Cam Newton

    March 20, 2014 at 9:01 am

    Brees, if my ankle wasn’t hurt, I’d kick you in the face

  19. Drew Brees

    March 20, 2014 at 8:52 am

    Anyway…before I was interrupted I was talking about the Panthers and that gaping hole they call an offense

  20. Shifty Eyes

    March 20, 2014 at 12:04 am

    An Irsay who’s perpetually drunk? Unheard of!

  21. pondbridge

    March 19, 2014 at 4:35 pm

    NWSFLASH: Jim Irsay just escaped rehad, loaded up all the Indianapolis Colts’ equipment and uniforms into a moving van, which he drove to Baltimore, MD

  22. NFLPA

    March 19, 2014 at 4:17 pm

    Yep, and unless you want BountyGate again we suggest that you stay out of it

  23. Philip Rivers

    March 19, 2014 at 12:02 pm

    NFLPA? Organization that protects NFL players?

  24. NFLPA

    March 19, 2014 at 12:01 pm

    You can’t do that Goodell you can’t suspend a whole team.

  25. Rodger Goodell

    March 19, 2014 at 11:50 am

    WHAT??? That’s it I’m suspending the entire Seahawks team and coaching staff indefinitely!

  26. Colin Kaepernick

    March 19, 2014 at 11:45 am

    Well. That explains a lot actually

  27. Pete Carroll

    March 19, 2014 at 11:43 am

    You grabbed Richard Sherman’s urine by mistake I told you pee in the blue cups and hand in the green cups filled with urine you idiot!

  28. Brandon Browner

    March 19, 2014 at 11:41 am

    But…why did I fail my test then?

  29. Pete Carroll

    March 19, 2014 at 11:37 am

    Well of course their urine is guaranteed to be clean plus I also collect it from kids I just give them some Seahawks gear in exchange.

  30. Drew Brees

    March 19, 2014 at 11:36 am

    Wait? You actually collect baby urine Pete?

  31. Pete Carroll

    March 19, 2014 at 11:25 am

    You shall do no such thing Goodell. Looks like I need to “visit” the hospital and collect some baby urine again…

  32. Entire Seahawks Team

    March 19, 2014 at 11:23 am

    SHIT!

  33. Rodger Goodell

    March 19, 2014 at 11:21 am

    What? Every one on the Seahawks is getting drug tested and anyone who fails the tests will be suspended for a year!

  34. Brandon Browner

    March 19, 2014 at 11:19 am

    It’s the off season we only use that during games.

  35. Colin Kaepernick

    March 19, 2014 at 11:13 am

    But Browner, you’re a Seahawk! I just assumed you only use Adderal

  36. Brandon Browner

    March 19, 2014 at 11:08 am

    Hey don’t finish all that pot. I want some of it too!

  37. Fred Davis

    March 19, 2014 at 11:06 am

    Give me some of that weed Miller.

  38. Von Miller

    March 19, 2014 at 11:06 am

    Yes he is right you know 420 bitches.

  39. Randy Moss

    March 19, 2014 at 11:04 am

    Why else did the Broncos and Seahawks make it to the Superbowl? Athletic ability and talent alone doesn’t make you great you need some of that good stuff.

  40. Aaron Rodgers

    March 19, 2014 at 10:59 am

    Yeah, other than the fact that he couldn’t throw the ball or memorize plays, Tebow was great!

  41. Philip Rivers

    March 19, 2014 at 10:57 am

    Randy Moss? Former NFL wide receiver who admitted to smoking weed?

  42. Randy Moss

    March 19, 2014 at 10:54 am

    See Goodell this is why you should allow players to smoke weed. It makes them feel relaxed and have a good time. All alcohol does is make people do stupid things and puke.

  43. Tim Tebow

    March 19, 2014 at 10:47 am

    Now Alex I assure you when I was a QB I was rather good. God just wanted me to be a college sports analyst for ESPN after my short NFL career.

  44. Joe Namath

    March 19, 2014 at 10:43 am

    Hiccup! *vomits on lap and passes out in chair*

  45. Alex Smith

    March 19, 2014 at 10:39 am

    Like you could do any better Kyle Orton anyone who loses their starting job to Tim Tebow should be banned from the NFL forever.

  46. Jim Irsay

    March 19, 2014 at 9:25 am

    Yeah BoYSZZ So WHAts UP

  47. Drew Brees

    March 19, 2014 at 9:10 am

    Don’t worry Kyle, I know a team that had a terrible off-season too …….

  48. Joe Namath

    March 19, 2014 at 6:18 am

    Jim, how about we have some Irish Car Bombs together? *pours drink* Hiccup!

  49. Kyle Orton

    March 18, 2014 at 9:08 pm

    Ok seriously Jerry Jones? You signed this buttnugget? Fuck it, I’m out!

  50. Ben Roethlisberger

    March 18, 2014 at 8:21 pm

    WILSON’S FAVORITE DISNEY BAD GUY IS THE SHORT KING ON SHREK! BECAUSE HE’S SHORT! HAHA IF YOU NEEDED THE EXPLANATION YOU’RE STUPID!

  51. Peyton Manning

    March 18, 2014 at 8:18 pm

    My favorite Disney villain is the horned lady from that movie where the beauty is sleeping, I forget the name. She turns into a dragon and I throw dragons so there’s a connection there.

  52. Bob

    March 18, 2014 at 6:18 pm

    Like Father Like Son

  53. Wilson

    March 18, 2014 at 4:45 pm

    Maybe they cancel each other out.

  54. Josh Freeman

    March 18, 2014 at 4:21 pm

    Why would the cowboys sign a QB that throws a lot of picks? Haha get it? Romo already does? Lmao

  55. Fans of Eagles, Giants, and Redskins

    March 18, 2014 at 3:40 pm

    Hurray!

  56. Brandon Weeden

    March 18, 2014 at 3:39 pm

    Words cannot describe how happy I am to receive another opportunity to start fresh.

  57. Eli Manning

    March 18, 2014 at 3:30 pm

    Speaking of terrible owners, Jerry Jones just signed Brandon Weeden!

  58. Drew Brees

    March 18, 2014 at 2:55 pm

    *vomits*

  59. Sam Bradford

    March 18, 2014 at 2:17 pm

    Hey Jimmy do you want to come on my trip to Thailand, we can drink and find some ladyboys!

  60. jr325

    March 18, 2014 at 2:11 pm

    FATTIES….. LOL!!!!

  61. Jimmy Irsay

    March 18, 2014 at 2:06 pm

    Lol nice try goodell. But sense im ur boss i dont haff 2 suffr NE reepurcusshenz.

  62. Anonymous

    March 18, 2014 at 10:48 am

    Of course Michael Vick we all know your obsession over killing dogs no need to hide it.

  63. Michael Vick

    March 18, 2014 at 10:31 am

    Hey guys what’s your favorite Disney villain? Mine’s Cruella DeVille

  64. Drew Brees

    March 18, 2014 at 9:40 am

    Big talk coming from a man who can’t spell his own name.

  65. Roger Godell

    March 18, 2014 at 6:42 am

    Mr. Isray, these charges are VERY unacceptable! I assure you that I will use my full power as NFL commissioner to punish you to the FULLEST extent of the law!

  66. Ndamukong Suh

    March 17, 2014 at 5:12 pm

    Hey Haynesworth, stop stealing my bit

  67. Albert Haynesworth

    March 17, 2014 at 4:54 pm

    *Stomps on commenter’s head*

  68. Albert Haynesworth

    March 17, 2014 at 4:54 pm

    HEY YOU SARCASTIC MUTHAFUCKA

  69. No One Ever

    March 17, 2014 at 4:52 pm

    Don’t forget about Dan Snyder! That Albert Haynesworth deal was a stroke of genius

  70. Guy who doesn't know anything

    March 17, 2014 at 4:45 pm

    Same here

  71. No One Ever

    March 17, 2014 at 4:33 pm

    Personally, I think that Jim Irsay did great as an owner, and Jerry Jones as well.

  72. Ben's Lawyers and Agents

    March 17, 2014 at 3:52 pm

    SHUT UP, BEN!

  73. Ben Roethlisberger

    March 17, 2014 at 3:51 pm

    HEY I ONCE SHOVED MY GIGANTIC PEE PEE INTO…

  74. Peyton Goddamn Manning

    March 17, 2014 at 3:46 pm

    SHUT YOUR HOLE, LUCK. IF I HAD ANY FUCK TO GIVE ABOUT YOUR PATHETIC TEAM, I WOULD SHOVE IT UP JAY CUTLER’S MOM’S SNATCH

  75. Andrew Luck

    March 17, 2014 at 3:45 pm

    I have the utmost respect for you Mr. Manning, but no offence, I believe I am capable of taking over in that highly prestigious position of Colts starting QB

  76. Peyton Goddamn Manning

    March 17, 2014 at 3:43 pm

    MANAGING UNDER INFLUENCE! AND YOU REPLACE ME WITH A NOBODY NAMED ANDREW LUCK?

  77. Jim Irsay

    March 17, 2014 at 3:42 pm

    *Hiccup Wat eez MUI?

  78. Peyton Goddamn Manning

    March 17, 2014 at 3:42 pm

    GODDAMN IT JIM, THIS IS WHY I COULD ONLY WIN ONE RING IN THAT ROTTING CORPSE OF AN ORGANIZATION YOU RAN UNDER MUI

  79. Jim Irsay

    March 17, 2014 at 1:25 pm

    Heeeeeyyy boozy shut up ur nut gr8 man. weezz got ourz Boyy Andrew Churckhu who leads us betteA that 5-head could ever do.

  80. Anonymous

    March 17, 2014 at 1:08 pm

    Guy is a idiot I mean dude is a billionaire and he doesn’t hire a driver, or at least gets a cab fucking moron.

  81. Chrth

    March 17, 2014 at 12:53 pm

    Quickly commenting before the unfunny fake player posts arrive.

  82. Phillip Rivers

    March 17, 2014 at 12:39 pm

    Ben Rothilesburger? …never heard of you, actually.

  83. Anonymous

    March 17, 2014 at 12:27 pm

    He was drinking away his sorrows that another year passed that his team went
    A. 1 and done or
    B. Choked in the playoffs lol.

  84. BEN ROTHILESBURGER

    March 17, 2014 at 11:49 am

    HEY STAY OFF MY TURF BITCH

  85. Douche that thinks he's funny

    March 17, 2014 at 11:09 am

    ITS FUNNY BECAUSE COLTS FANS REALLY ARE LIKE THAT!

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