Jim Irsay Accused Of Owning While Intoxicated
INDIANAPOLIS – Longtime Colts owner and CEO Jim Irsay, 54, was arrested early this morning by local police, and has been charged with four felony counts of owning while intoxicated (OWI).
“Our officers observed Mr. Irsay owning the Colts in a rather erratic fashion,” said Indianapolis Police Chief Rick Hite. “During the 2013 season alone, Mr. Irsay’s franchise was seen violently swerving from impressive victories over the Broncos, Seahawks and 49ers to sloppy, out-of-control losses to the Rams and Cardinals. Such wild veering is generally a dead giveaway to a team under impaired ownership.”
Added Hite: “We’re just lucky the situation wasn’t worse. Managing while intoxicated can kill someone’s career”
“We’ve long suspected that Jim Irsay might have a problem with drinking and owning,” said Colts G.M. Ryan Grigson. “All the telltale signs were there. Trading a first round draft pick for Trent Richardson. Letting Donald Brown walk in free agency. Cutting ties with the greatest quarterback in NFL history right before he posts two of the most impressive seasons of his career. In retrospect, it’s pretty obvious the dude was blitzed.”
Added Grigson, “And then of course, there’s his Twitter feed. No sober person could ever possibly produce that Twitter feed.”
Angry Colts fans have responded to the allegation by forming an activist group calling itself Fans Against Tipsy Tycoons In Entertainment and Sports.
“We hereby condemn the actions of Jim Irsay, as it perpetuates all the negative stereotypes about Indianapolis residents in general and Colts fans specifically,” said FATTIES spokesperson Martha Stout. “By commiting the heinous act of owning while intoxicated, Mr. Irsay is reinforcing the notion that all Colts fans are nothing more than Budweiser-swilling, cow-tipping, fast-food eating, John Cougar Mellencamp listening, redneck yokels without an ounce of class or sophistication, and nothing could be further from the truth. Many of us prefer Schlitz.”