Jerry Jones Trades Cowboys 1st Round Draft Pick For Handful of Magic Beans

“Suckers!” Proclaims Giddy Cowboys Owner

By
Updated: May 6, 2014

DALLAS – Cowboys owner/G.M. Jerry Jones executed a surprising pre-draft trade earlier today when he sent his team’s first round choice, the number sixteen pick overall, to Bill Belichick and the New England Patriots in exchange for a medium-sized handful of beans, local sources confirmed earlier today.

DALLAS COWBOYS JERRY JONES HANDFUL OF MAGIC BEANS

 

“Not just any beans. These are magic beans,” gushed the giddy Jones. “I tell you, old Jerry here really pulled a fast one on poor Bill Belichick. When he told me that he had these special beans available for a trade, and that all he wanted was our first round pick, I knew I had to act fast before some other G.M. took advantage of his foolish generosity.”

 

Added Jones: “Haha. Sucker!”

 

The beans, believed to be a mixture of common household chickpeas, Spanish lentils, and red kidney beans, will hep turn the Cowboys into “instant Super Bowl contenders,” according to Jones.

 

“Apparently, all we have to do is plant these bad boys right at our 50 yard line, and BAM, by the next morning we will have sprouted a fully grown strong side pass rusher capable of running a 4.5 in the 40 yard dash, a hard-hitting free safety with a 45.0 vertical jump and a big bodied left guard who can bench over 40 reps of 225 pounds without breaking a sweat. And all for the low, low cost of just the number sixteen overall pick? Ha! Jerry my boy, you’ve done it again.”

 

When reminded by reporters that AT&T Cowboys Stadium contains an artificial playing surface, which would make planting the beans an impossibility, Jones replied, “Well, duh. Obviously, we’re going to tear up our current field and replace it with 100% natural dirt and grass so that we can plant these little beauties. C’mon guys. I’m not an idiot, you know.”

 

Reaction around the league to the Cowboys’ bean acquisition ranged from shock and disbelief to, in at least one case, envy.

 

“Dammit. How the hell did we let Dallas beat us to that sweet deal?” stated outraged Redskins owner Dan Snyder. “Someone get me Belichick on the phone, pronto. Ask him if he still has that goose he told me about one time. The one that lays golden Lombardi trophies and shits Super Bowl rings. If he does, our next three first round picks could have his name on ‘em.”

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30 Comments

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    August 16, 2014 at 7:48 am

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  2. Guy Who Whispers "Penis"

    May 11, 2014 at 1:15 pm

    *whispers* penis

  3. Anonymous

    May 9, 2014 at 10:35 pm

    ^ Maybe they’ll finally get that 9th win of the season…….but still miss the playoffs.

  4. Sandt

    May 8, 2014 at 7:16 pm

    Jerry jones doesn’t know his elbow from his asshole. We have a QB that can’t throw farther then 5-10 yards without fucking up, and all the players that are doin something get traded(I.e. Ware, Barber). I mean seriously who do u have to suck to get a good team around here. Maybe by the time I die my team will go some where.

  5. IFHSS

    May 7, 2014 at 5:19 pm

    I love the comment convos!!!!!!!!! And i’m sorry for being such a whiny brat earlier.

  6. Richard Sherman

    May 7, 2014 at 4:29 pm

    Yeah! by me you mediocre crapphead Eli, and you too Peyton, get out of my neighborhood.

  7. Peyton Goddamn Manning

    May 7, 2014 at 4:07 pm

    Elisha, stop trying to throw insults at me. They’ll just get intercepted

  8. Eli Manning

    May 7, 2014 at 2:16 pm

    At least when I go to the Superbowl I win and not choke and humiliate the Manning name when the whole world is watching the Superbowl.

  9. Cooper Manning

    May 7, 2014 at 2:04 pm

    Too bad, Peyton has more NFL record and MVP than you, Eli

  10. Anonymous

    May 7, 2014 at 1:15 pm

    Your not funny Russell your just a annoying little bitch that no one likes now.

  11. Russell Wilson

    May 7, 2014 at 1:00 pm

    Just like how we have 2 pass completions we took from Peyton

  12. nemo

    May 7, 2014 at 12:42 pm

    Best move Jerr-uh ever made.

  13. Joe Flacco

    May 7, 2014 at 11:27 am

    I hope the Statue of Liberty steps on you like you’re a cockroach Eli.

  14. Eli Manning

    May 7, 2014 at 10:53 am

    Your right but I will still have the 2 rings I took from you Brady hahaha.

  15. Tom Brady

    May 7, 2014 at 10:49 am

    Um Eli you forgot to put your self on the list cause we all know your not elite either.

  16. Eli Manning

    May 7, 2014 at 9:41 am

    Ryan Tannehill while not elite, is a middle of the road qb like Dalton, Bradford, Flacco, etc.

  17. Ben Roethlisberger

    May 7, 2014 at 8:48 am

    IT’S FUNNY CUZ ALL THOSE TEAMS HAVE CRAPPY QUARTERBACKS

  18. All the AFC East teams except the Patriots

    May 7, 2014 at 8:45 am

    Sorry, but we were aiming for Manziel anyway. No difference would’ve been made

  19. Dumb Cowboys Fans Everywhere

    May 7, 2014 at 7:37 am

    And we hate you too Romo! Wish we would draft Manziel!

  20. Tony Romo

    May 6, 2014 at 9:21 pm

    I hate you guys!

  21. Joe Flacco

    May 6, 2014 at 1:36 pm

    Um. Tony Romo….that was your cue to say “‘sup?”.

  22. Andy Dalton

    May 6, 2014 at 1:31 pm

    Remind me Jerry. Who’s the Cowboys QB again?

  23. Ben Roethlisberger

    May 6, 2014 at 12:17 pm

    BUT EVER OWNER IN THE NFL IS OLD.

  24. Parakeet McSkeet

    May 6, 2014 at 11:55 am

    @Ben, no, it’s because he’s too old and senile to be running a football team

  25. Jerry Jones

    May 6, 2014 at 10:08 am

    I am the best GM in the NFL! This magic beans will turn around this franchise. After all it worked out great for Jack and the Beanstalk it just HAS to work for me too.

  26. Bill Belichick

    May 6, 2014 at 9:47 am

    Grumble grumble grumble

  27. Ben Roethlisberger

    May 6, 2014 at 9:39 am

    BECAUSE JERRY JONES CAN’T TELL A SCAM WHEN HE SEES ONE!

  28. Stupid Cowboys Fans Everywhere

    May 6, 2014 at 9:28 am

    DAMN IT! WE WANTED YOU TO DRAFT JOHNNY MANZIEL. FUCK YOU JERRY JONES….

  29. IFHSS

    May 6, 2014 at 9:04 am

    hahaha excellent A+

  30. Anonymous

    May 6, 2014 at 8:59 am

    In other news thr Cowboys are automatically eliminated from the playoffs.

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