Jerry Jones Fails To Make Playoffs In Fantasy Football League

“This Guy Has No Business Running A Fantasy Team,” Claim Rivals

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Updated: December 10, 2013

DALLAS – Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, 71, failed to make the playoffs in his fantasy football league yet again when his team, “The Jerry Riggers,” lost a crucial game this past weekend to 13-year old Kyle Baines of Omaha, NE.

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“I beat that old guy’s team by, like, 30 points I think,” said Baines between classes at Elkhorn Ridge Middle School. “I’m not sure he knows what he’s doing. For some reason, he started Fred Jackson instead of Matt Forte and Eddie Royal instead of Alshon Jeffrey. That was like a 33 point swing right there. Plus he actually started the Cowboys defense, if you can believe it, and that move just killed him. He could’ve played the Saints defense instead and done a lot better, except that he cut them a while ago. ”

 

Added Baines: “Man, he sucks at this game. He’s  never gonna win the fifty dollar prize we play for every year”

 

In the long-running league, Jones’ team has now missed the playoffs for four straight seasons, and ten of the past fourteen.

 

“Jerry thinks he’s really good at this, but I tell you, that guy has absolutely no business running a fantasy team,” said another rival owner. “This one time, he traded me his first and third round draft choice for that old Detroit receiver Roy Williams. I was like, ‘Really? Okay, dude, whatever. He’s all yours.’”

 

Sources close to the league confirmed that Jones’ fortunes haven’t always been so dismal.

 

“Back a few years ago, Jerry’s team did a lot better. He always seemed to be one step ahead of the rest of us when it came to drafting, picking up free agents, that kind of thing,” said another of Jones’ fellow fantasy owners. “Of course, back then he had one of his old roommates from college running the team for him. They won a few championships with that setup. But then he broke up the partnership ‘cause he wanted all the glory and credit himself, and his team’s been mostly shitty ever since.”

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10 Comments

  1. No One Ever

    March 4, 2014 at 4:49 pm

    Jerry Jones is a quality manager, and Tony Romo is easily the most clutch QB in history.

  2. Snowtigerfire

    December 16, 2013 at 8:39 am

    Ben explaining is always good. I’m surprised they haven’t posted a new NFL QBs on Facebook.

  3. Anonymous

    December 15, 2013 at 4:24 am

    COWBOYS SUCK

  4. Ken

    December 12, 2013 at 3:33 pm

    You’re welcome everyone. It hasn’t been me on every single story, but I posted a Big Ben imitation both here and on the “Roger Goodell fines Vernon Davis’ penis” story. 😀

  5. Anonymous

    December 11, 2013 at 10:44 pm

    The Ben Roethlisberger comments in the comment sections of stories (thanks to the NFL QB Facebook chats) never get old. I literally start laughing as soon as I see them, even though I know they’re coming.

  6. Francesco Jesus Mariotti

    December 10, 2013 at 6:56 pm

    Oh my got, the comment by Ben Roethlisberger totally made my day. Thanks dude whoever you are.

  7. Deanthony

    December 10, 2013 at 6:28 pm

    Dan Snyder recently expressed extreme sadness that his fantasy team “Cartilage Attack”, comprising such preseason studs as Rob Gronkowski, Doug Martin, Arian Foster, RG3, and Danario Alexander missed the playoffs after being beaten by a quadruple amputee 5 year old named Tommy, who is reportedly offended by Snyder’s decision to name his team after a body part. Snyder lucked his way through most of the year, failing to set his roster for almost every game. Sources close to the losing owner report that Snyder tried to negotiate with the online waiver wire, but decided not to pick up any new players after the system turned down his verbal $31 million, 6 year contract to Mario Manningham.

  8. Ben Roethlisberger

    December 10, 2013 at 2:50 pm

    IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT JERRY JONES DOES IN REAL LIFE.

  9. Seattle Muse

    December 10, 2013 at 2:05 pm

    He can join my league. I’ll even let him have Dallas defense as a freebie.

  10. Anonymous

    December 10, 2013 at 1:53 pm

    lol, you guys find a new and different way to bash jerry jones and the cowboys, bless you

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