Jerry Jones Fails To Make Playoffs In Fantasy Football League
“This Guy Has No Business Running A Fantasy Team,” Claim Rivals
DALLAS – Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, 71, failed to make the playoffs in his fantasy football league yet again when his team, “The Jerry Riggers,” lost a crucial game this past weekend to 13-year old Kyle Baines of Omaha, NE.
“I beat that old guy’s team by, like, 30 points I think,” said Baines between classes at Elkhorn Ridge Middle School. “I’m not sure he knows what he’s doing. For some reason, he started Fred Jackson instead of Matt Forte and Eddie Royal instead of Alshon Jeffrey. That was like a 33 point swing right there. Plus he actually started the Cowboys defense, if you can believe it, and that move just killed him. He could’ve played the Saints defense instead and done a lot better, except that he cut them a while ago. ”
Added Baines: “Man, he sucks at this game. He’s never gonna win the fifty dollar prize we play for every year”
In the long-running league, Jones’ team has now missed the playoffs for four straight seasons, and ten of the past fourteen.
“Jerry thinks he’s really good at this, but I tell you, that guy has absolutely no business running a fantasy team,” said another rival owner. “This one time, he traded me his first and third round draft choice for that old Detroit receiver Roy Williams. I was like, ‘Really? Okay, dude, whatever. He’s all yours.’”
Sources close to the league confirmed that Jones’ fortunes haven’t always been so dismal.
“Back a few years ago, Jerry’s team did a lot better. He always seemed to be one step ahead of the rest of us when it came to drafting, picking up free agents, that kind of thing,” said another of Jones’ fellow fantasy owners. “Of course, back then he had one of his old roommates from college running the team for him. They won a few championships with that setup. But then he broke up the partnership ‘cause he wanted all the glory and credit himself, and his team’s been mostly shitty ever since.”