Jay Cutler Rolls Eyes, Checks Watch, Sighs Loudly During Visit To Middle School

Updated: January 15, 2015

EDISON PARK, IL – As part of a team-mandated community outreach program, Bears QB Jay Cutler spent one hour this morning visiting with students at Ebinger Elementary School, during which the visibly frustrated Cutler repeatedly rolled his eyes and checked his watch, and at several points during the session was seen leaning back in his plastic chair, looking at the ceiling in annoyance, and sighing loudly, according to witnesses on the scene.

"Don't do drugs, kids. Or do drugs. Whatever. I don't give a shit either way."

“Don’t do drugs, kids. Or do drugs. Whatever. I don’t give a shit either way.”


“All right, let’s get this over with,” Cutler mumbled while standing in front of Ms. Sylvia Mitchell’s third grade class. “I was up half the night surfing PornHub and pounding shots of Patron, so my head hurts like a sonuvabitch. Hurry up and ask me whatever stupid things you wanna know so I can get the hell out of here, you feel me?”


“I don’t think Mr. Cutler was in a very good mood,” said eight-year old Olivia Weber. “When I asked him what it was like to play with Brandon Marshall, he just stared at me and looked all mad. And while (classmate Ethan Mueller) was telling him about how the Bears were his favorite team of all time, Mr. Cutler took out his phone and started reading his emails.”


Ebinger teachers had to interrupt Cutler on two separate occasions to politely but firmly request that the nine-year veteran not light up a cigarette in front of the students, and at one point had to shake the quarterback’s shoulder to wake him after he drifted off to sleep during a performance of the song, “Super Bowl Shuffle,” that the children had practiced for three weeks in anticipation of the visit.


When asked by 9-year-old Devin Steubans if Cutler had any tips on how to become a great NFL quarterback, Cutler replied, “Yeah. Make sure you write a clause into your contract that says you don’t have to do dumbass charity events at crappy schools filled with snotty nosed brats asking shitloads of stupid questions. Is that a good enough tip for ya?”

Leave a Reply


  1. PFM Comments

    January 15, 2015 at 11:49 pm

    I don’t think there has been one Jay Cutler article on here that wasn’t funny.

  2. AnonyMOOSE

    January 15, 2015 at 12:59 pm

    Shouldn’t it say Elementary School in the title not Middle School if the kids are 8 and 9 years old and in third grade?

  3. DangerRuss

    January 15, 2015 at 12:45 pm

    Jay Cutler never seems to get any respect or appreciation for the community first approach he takes when off the field. Here he is providing guidance and advice for a bunch of children and it appears as though he is being mocked for his efforts. By checking his emails he was teaching the students an important life lesson in that one cannot ignore important communications despite their current obligations. He also attempted to show all the students how to be cool, but some teacher with a stick crammed up her ass prevented him from smoking. His attire that day was an effort to help kids to read while also showing them how much fun reading can be when you place certain words in a pre-arranged order. And to top it all off, he showed loyalty by not throwing BMarsh under the bus (BMarsh certainly wouldn’t have done the same for him).
    How much more does he need to do? Certainly we don’t want the kids spending time with United Way Peyton Manning!

    P.S. I heard Cutler was about to be traded to the Bills, but he vetoed the trade because cigarette prices in New York state are too high.

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