Jay Cutler: “No, Guy In Section 305, Row 12, Seat 18, YOU Suck!”

Updated: December 5, 2014

Chicago Bears v New Orleans Saints

Hey, you. Yeah you! Guy up there in section 305, row 12, seat 18. I heard what you just yelled. So you think I suck, huh? Just because we lost to the stupid Cowboys, and our record’s now 5-8 and we’re almost certainly going to miss the playoffs again this year, you think you can tell me that I suck?


No, guy in section 305, row 12, seat 18, YOU suck!


Yeah, okay, so I threw a pick late in the game that ended our comeback hopes. Well, boo-fucking-hoo. You know what I DIDN’T do last night? I didn’t schlep my ass all the way from some shithole one-bedroom apartment in Joilet just to freeze my ass off in crappy upper deck seats at Soldier Field like you did.


Oh, that’s right, section 305 guy. I did some research on you. Like that car you drove to the game in yesterday. A 2001 Honda Civic, with 120,000 miles, a busted tail light and an A.M./F.M CASSETTE DECK radio? HA! Wanna know what I drive, pal? A sweet-ass 2014 BMWi8 that’ll go 0-60 in 4.8 seconds, and has a state-of-the-art Harman Kardon surround sound 16-speaker system that’ll blast Nickelback loud enough to rock the SHIT out of your rickity old hunk of junk any day of the week. So who sucks now, guy?


And hey, who was that lady sitting next to you at the game? Your wife? Well granted, my view was pretty far away, because your seats up there in the nosebleeds were so shitty, but it looked to me like your old lady’s packing on an extra, what, 40 or 45 pounds maybe? Yikes. She sure is quite the oinker. Hey, you want to see some pictures of my wife?

kristin Cavallari sexy

So while you’re flopping around in bed tonight with that sweaty heffapotamus you married, just remember that I get to bang a smoking hot blonde reality TV star, asshole.


Say, how much did those crappy seats cost you anyway? I’m guessing around $400 for the pair? Whoa, that must have taken a serious bite out of your massive bi-weekly $1,320 paycheck. Oh that’s right, guy. I found out about your dead job as a clerk at PetCo and that paltry $16.50/hour salary you take home before taxes. So while you’re scooping out handfuls of puppy shit from the poodle cage just to pay your overdue electric bill, I’M raking in a cool $22.5 MILLION this season, end zone interceptions and all.


Still think I’M the one who sucks, dickhead?


So just remember that the next time you open your huge snout to grunt out some boos, piggie. I’m superior to you in every possible way. I make more money than you, have a sweeter ride than you, bang a hotter wife than you, and enjoy the love and adoration of all Chicago Bears sports fans everywhere.


Okay fine, fuck you. I still have the money, car, and wife thing over you anyway.

Leave a Reply


  1. DangerRuss

    December 8, 2014 at 1:44 pm

    Bring back the “Ask Jay” column!!! His character is too funny to be limited to articles like this one.

  2. KingdomOfFawg

    December 8, 2014 at 10:13 am

    Worst part about this, is if someone really got to Jay Cutler, he seems like he might really say shit like this.

  3. Anonymous

    December 5, 2014 at 7:24 pm

    You know for a guy that doesn’t “give a single fuck” this dude took the time to look up all this dudes personal life just so he could get back at him. Talk about some serious dedication!

    • Some creepy guy

      December 7, 2014 at 9:04 pm

      I actually saw Jay Cutler just recently he’s been kind of sad lately because Tom Brady had sex with his mother.

  4. Ben Roethlisberger

    December 5, 2014 at 11:07 am


  5. PFM Comments

    December 5, 2014 at 9:44 am

    Petco clerks make $16.50 an hour? That’s actually not bad for that type of job. It’s like $36k a year, with no college degree or student loan debt or anything. I always figured retail people made like..$8/hr at most or something.

    • KingdomOfFawg

      December 8, 2014 at 10:14 am

      They definitely do not make 16.50 an hour.

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