Jay Cutler Gives Aaron Rodgers “Stinkpalm” Handshake Following Bears Loss To Packers
CHICAGO – Shortly after a heartbreaking loss at home which eliminated his Bears from the playoffs, Jay Cutler greeted Packers QB Aaron Rodgers at midfield with a congratulatory shake of a hand that, unbeknownst to Rodgers, had been wedged between Cutler’s buttocks just moments earlier, a gesture more commonly referred to as a “stinkpalm,” local sources confirmed today.
“Hey Aaron, good game today. That was one hell of a pass,” Cutler said, while firmly grasping Rodgers’ hand and squeezing it tightly for a full twenty seconds. “Seriously man, please accept my warmest wishes. This is one that’s definitely going to stay with you for a while.”
“I have to admit, I was pleasantly surprised by Jay’s sportsmanship,” said Rodgers, whose improbable 48-yard touchdown pass to Randall Cobb on 4th and 8 with :31 left to play lifted the Packers to the thrilling victory. “He really wanted to congratulate me. I don’t think I’ve ever had my hand shaken quite as long, or with quite as much force as he did after today’s game.”
“Hey by the way, did one of you guys rip a fart?” Rodgers added, addressing reporters at the post-game press conference. “There’s been this weird stench everywhere around here since the end of the game.”
“Fuckin’ Rodgers,” grumbled Cutler in the Bears locker room, while lighting up a Marlboro Red directly underneath a “No Smoking” sign. “He thinks he’s hot shit for hitting some lucky-ass play over our crappy defense? Well now he’s got a hand that smells like the inside of my asshole, and just for good measure, I ate a whole bunch of Taco Bell at halftime. Scrub all you want Aaron, that stink’s not going away for at least two days.”
When reminded that his hand was also now infected with the same smell, Cutler chuckled, “Like they said in that movie, ‘It’s a small price to pay for the smiting of one’s enemies.'”
The win delivered the NFC North title to the Packers, who will host a wild-card round playoff game next week to the 12-4 San Francisco 49ers.
“We expect a great game next week,” concluded Rodgers. “The Niners are the reigning conference champs, and we know how tough their defense is, so it should be a heck of match… okay, seriously, which one of you guys beefed? It smells like a Tijuana port-a-potty in here.”