Jacksonville Jaguars Somehow Least Dysfunctional NFL Team In State of Florida

Updated: November 5, 2013

JACKSONVILLE – Despite an 0-8 record, a twice-suspended starting wide receiver, and a roster that many analysts claim may be the worst the NFL has seen in years, the Jacksonville Jaguars have somehow managed to attain the status of “least dysfunctional professional football team in the state of Florida,” it was reported early Tuesday.



“As an organization, we’re proud to hold this distinction,” said Jags owner Shahid Khan. “While we’re aware that there are challenges yet to overcome, mostly pertaining to the act of winning games and stuff, we’re pleased to see that our efforts to create a solid, stable foundation in which our head coach does not openly feud with our quarterbacks, and our linemen do not bully or racially victimize one another, have not gone unnoticed.”


While the state’s other NFL franchises, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Miami Dolphins, respectively cope with an outbreak of MSRA infections, and a locker room prone to vicious hazing, the Jaguars continue to be a model of calmness and cohesion, relatively speaking.


“You have to give Jacksonville a lot of credit,” said CNN/SI NFL writer Andrew Brandt. “While their neighbors to the south seem to erupt with new scandals almost daily, the Jags continue to lose games in a quiet, consistent fashion. They’re almost zen-like in their commitment to predictable, non-distracting failure.”


“That’s simply how we do business here,” claimed Jaguars head coach Gus Bradley. “We only sign players who we feel are even-tempered and gentle of spirit, so as not to expose our team to any Richie Incognito-type dramas. Any talent that they may have at, you know, running and catching and whatnot is purely a bonus.”

Leave a Reply


  1. Darren Sharper

    March 23, 2014 at 10:11 pm

    *promptly signs a 2 year deal with Jacksonville*

  2. Seth

    November 5, 2013 at 6:11 pm

    I feel bad ‘cus I thought Martin was just being a pussy about it… Turns out the kid had a reason to walk outta that place :/
    But the Buccs are also 0-8, even though their defeats haven’t always been huge embarrassments

  3. Anonymous

    November 5, 2013 at 3:56 pm

    This is hilarious because it is true. Who would have ever thought there was reason to be jealous of Jacksonville among the Florida teams? They may suck, but they do it quietly, disease free, and without bullying others.

  4. Anonymous

    November 5, 2013 at 11:00 am

    Well…it’s true. Shoulda slammed TB some more, they’re pretty bad.

  5. IFHSS

    November 5, 2013 at 8:16 am

    HAHA excellent article guys.

  6. Anonymous

    November 5, 2013 at 6:58 am

    ^ that is a true fan, to have to deal with that losing and then keep seeing them.

  7. Anonymous

    November 5, 2013 at 6:31 am

    funny…I see their games every week when there isn’t a Bye…and they haven’t had a blackout in YEARS!!!

  8. holden c.

    November 5, 2013 at 12:39 am

    and they even tried to get less publicity by removing their games from tv.

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