INTERCEPTED TEXT: Tony Romo Gets Bad News From Jerry Jones

By
Updated: October 23, 2013

Verizon

1:13
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TONY ROMO

Tony, I’m afraid I’ve got bad news.

Oh no. You’re trading me to Cleveland, aren’t you?

Worse.

You've just resigned T.O.?

Worse.

You just traded our next three 1st round picks to the Jets for Santonio Holmes?

Worse… wait, you think they’d go for that?

Jerry. The bad news?

Oh, right.. Forbes just released their list of “Least Popular NFL Players. ” And you’re on it.

DAMMITT!

WHY DOES EVERYONE HATE ME SO MUCH?

Don’t take it so hard. Not everyone can be universally loved and respected like me.

So who else made the list?

Ben Roethlisberger. Michael Vick. Ndamukong Suh.

So I’m as popular as an alleged rapist, a convicted dog murderer and a guy who kicks people in the nuts?

If it’s any consolation, you’re more popular than Jay Cutler.

Big deal. Toenail fungus is more popular than Jay Cutler

Well technically, um… how do I put this?

I ranked below toenail fungus too, didn’t I?

At least you finished in a dead tie with genital warts.

THIS IS TOTALLY UNFAIR.

I TRY SO HARD TO GET PEOPLE TO LIKE ME! NOTHING WORKS!

Well, I’m gonna help you change all that.

Really? Why?

Having an unpopular QB is bad for merchandise sales. Our entire business model is built around selling hats, T-shirts, and sweatpants.

Also winning football games too, right?

Hmm? Oh yeah sure, that’s always a nice bonus.

Anyway, I’ve assigned a crack team of public relations specialists to your case.

They’re going to remake your image into someone people will like and admire.

Have these PR specialists also worked with you on your image?

They have, yes.

Great. That fills me with confidence.

The first thing you need is a new hairstyle.

What’s wrong with my hair?

Nothing, if you’re a cartoon hobo.

Ouch.

JUST LOOK AT THIS: No style, no sass, no va-va-voom.

Here, I had the boys in graphics work up a few temps. Check these out:

“The Polamalu”

“The Donald”

“The Coolio”

“The Mark Sanchez”

I’m not wild about any of these.

WAIT, THEY GET BETTER

“The Leia”

“The Flock of Seagulls Guy”

“The Rachel”

The Hasselbeck”

“The Beiber”

“The Oprah”

How about “The Jimmy?”

ABSOLUTELY NOT!

Let’s just stick with “the Oprah.” She’s enormously popular, and frankly it’ll toughen up your image a bit.

I’m not really comfortable having Oprah Winfrey’s hairstyle

And I’m not really comfortable having a quarterback who insists on pissing away games in the 4th quarter, but here we are.

Now, we need to accessorize a bit.

Accessorize?

Yep. Just add a few minor details from other, more popular quarterbacks.

So let me just throw in Aaron Rodger’s mustache, Colin Kaepernick’s goatee, and Drew Bree’s face scar.

And VOILA:

IF THAT DOESN’T MAKE YOU THE MOST POPULAR PLAYER IN THE NFL, I DON’T KNOW WHAT WILL!

You know what, Jerry? I’ve changed my mind. Can you trade me to Cleveland?

Leave a Reply

7 Comments

  1. Tony Brown

    October 29, 2013 at 1:32 pm

    @First guy, please no. We don’t want him. Glennon is bad enough, we don’t need another choke artist.

  2. Anonymous

    October 24, 2013 at 12:10 pm

    I am a die hard cowboys fan, and I love this websites romo.

  3. bobman2

    October 23, 2013 at 9:37 am

    Wow, this was fun. Nice job on the grafx. I don’t know that Romo is being unfairly treated by this site–yes everybody hates him, but he comes across as a pretty regular guy. I mean in the PFM world Manning and Brady are alpha dog scumbags, Ben is brain damaged (and dumb), Rodgers is a bitter obsessive, Cutler’s mom is… well, Cutler’s mom. Bradford is… good lord I have no idea how to explain PFM-Bradford. If any QB has a right to complain about his PFM treatment, it’s him (I sincerely HOPE). But despite everyone hating Romo, as his character is written, he’s a prince by comparison. A prince with killer hair.

  4. IFHSS

    October 23, 2013 at 9:33 am

    Kaepernick’s goatee is the stupidest thing I have ever seen. Doesn’t look as bad on romo hahaha

  5. Anonymous

    October 23, 2013 at 7:19 am

    Haha he does look like jack sparrow.

  6. jiminnyc

    October 23, 2013 at 7:02 am

    I’m a Giants fan, but even I have to ask: what did Tony Romo ever do to you guys???? 😀

  7. Anonymous

    October 23, 2013 at 6:53 am

    He looks like Captain Jack Sparrow in that last picture. Trade him to the BUCS!

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