INTERCEPTED TEXT: Tony Romo And Drew Brees Discuss The Cowboys-Saints Game

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Updated: September 24, 2014

TONY ROMO DREW BREES TEXT without text 475

Verizon

1:42 pm
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TONY ROMO

Hey Drew!

Leave me alone Romo.

HaHa. I love our banter.

It's not banter. I hate you. Get lost.

HAHA. That's what’s so great about you, man. That sense of humor.

So this is the big week, huh? COWBOYS-SAINTS ON SUNDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL. I'll bet you're as nervous as I am.

Nope, not nervous.

More like, planning to throw for 500 yards against that piss poor defense of yours by halftime at least.

HaHa! But no, I mean nervous about having to play against each other.

You know, because whoever wins this game has to worry about the feelings of his best friend who just lost.

We're not best friends. I hate you.

The thought of you suffering an embarrassing defeat on national television gives me a Rob Ryan-sized chubby.

HaHa. You crack me up, pal.

But seriously, I’m really excited.

It's not often that my best friend in the whole wide world comes to play right here in my city.

That's true. In fact, it's not even happening this week.

HaHa! So I'm taking every step to be sure that your visit will be a happy one.

Whipping your stupid team by 30 or 40 points is all the happiness I need.

You’ll be pleased to know that I called the hotel you're staying in, and pretended to be you.

WHAT? WHY?

Well, I tried using my name at first. But they hung up on me.

As any sane person would.

So I called back and I told him that I was legendary NFL great DREW BREES, and that I DEMANDED they reserve the absolute finest suite in their crappy building just for me, and that everything had better be PERFECT, or there’d be hell to pay.

Goddammit. Why the hell would you do that? Now they’re going to think that I’m…

FOOTBALL ROYALTY, which is what you are, and you deserve to be treated as such, mi compadre.

How do you NOT get that I despise you?

Plus I told him that their regular ratty old pillowcases and bedsheets would NOT do for the perfect head of Drew Brees.

So I insisted that they import some fine Egyptian silk sheets and comforters before this weekend, and that they better be at least 20,000-thread count or you will throw a huge fit.

JESUS CHRIST. YOU MADE ME SOUND LIKE THE WORLD'S MOST ANNOYING PRIMADONNA!

Hey, no need to thank me. I'm just doing everything I can to make sure my buddy gets the best treatment possible.

YOU WANT TO DO SOMETHING FOR ME? FALL INTO A WHEAT THRESHER AND DIE PAINFULLY.

Haha! Man, my ribs are aching from your zingers!

Oh, hey. I also had a memo sent out to all the employees at AT&T Stadium.

Every usher, hot dog vendor, security guard, etc. have been informed that when you enter the building on Sunday, they are each to avert their eyes and bow deeply in your presence.

JESUS! Why would you tell everyone in your stupid stadium to treat me like some spoiled prince?

Actually, you told them that.

I signed it with your name, ‘cause whenever I send out a memo, the ball boys just tear it up and sprinkle it in my Gatorade.

I've also arranged for a long trail of red rose petals to be laid on the ground, to lead you from the parking lot right to your spot in the visitors’ locker room.

GODDAMNIT ROMO! DO YOU KNOW HOW BAD ALL OF THIS IS?

Let me guess. You're worried about our defense, right? Well don't you fret about that.

I anonymously left a photo of you in each one of their lockers, along with a note saying, "Remember guys, Drew Brees is a national treasure, and you better treat him as such on Sunday.”

“He is a much better human being than you are, and you should NOT hit him late, dive at his knees, or attempt to cause him any sort of pain or discomfort."

FOR FUCK’S SAKE ROMO. A note like that would actually make me terrified of your defense, if they didn’t suck ass already.

But the good news doesn’t stop there, chum o’mine.

Whenever your team has the ball, I've arranged for a special message to flash on our Jumbotron.

I’m afraid to ask what it…

It says: "Per the order of The Great and Powerful Drew Brees, all Cowboys fans are ordered to remain perfectly silent and still for the duration of this offensive drive.“

“No cheering, clapping, or any other distracting actions are permitted.”

“And ESPECIALLY, no whipping pennies at Mr. Brees when he has his helmet off on the sidelines.”

Why the hell would you include… THEY WOULDN’T HAVE EVEN DONE THAT IF YOU HADN’T MENTIONED IT.

I think of everything pal, so you don’t have to. That’s just the kind of host I am.

Okay Romo, listen and listen good, because you need to get this through your overpaid skull:

YOU AND I ARE NOT FRIENDS. I DESPISE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU. I HATE YOUR STUPID GRIN AND YOUR PUNCHABLE FACE.

I HOPE ONE OF YOUR 400lb FANS FALLS ON YOU FROM THE NOSEBLEED SEATS AND COLLAPSES YOUR SURGICALLY REBUILT BACK LIKE AN ACCORDIAN!

I HATE YOU. I HATE-HATE-HATE-HATE YOU.

Wow. Just… wow.

Well, okay then. Message received.

FINALLY.

YOU ARE SUCH A TRUE FRIEND TO ACT LIKE YOU HATE ME IN ORDER TO MOTIVATE ME FOR THE GAME.

Goddammit.

Obviously, you adore me so much that you’ll say whatever it takes to inspire me to play hard for this victory.

Thank you Drew. I’m truly touched by your selflessness.

I’m going to have to use one of those Egyptian bedsheets to strangle you, aren’t I?

And hey, Drew?

What?

Love you, pal.

Get fucked.

Leave a Reply

9 Comments

  1. Someone

    September 29, 2014 at 7:56 am

    I think Brees inspired him a little too much.

  2. Jim in NYC

    September 25, 2014 at 9:53 am

    “The thought of you suffering an embarrassing defeat on national television gives me a Rob Ryan-sized chubby.”

    I’m going to have to wash my brain out with battery acid to get that image out of my head.

  3. Confused Guy

    September 25, 2014 at 9:52 am

    Does the NSA provide this material for PFM? I don’t think Brees or Romo would appreciate having their private conversations viewed by the public like this.

  4. bpeterson464

    September 24, 2014 at 6:51 pm

    I kind of feel sorry for Romo now. It’s getting more pathetic and less annoying.

    • PFM Comments

      September 24, 2014 at 10:51 pm

      I feel more sorry for Brees. Fortunately if things are tight, Romo will prove his friendship by giving the game away with one of his patented late game Romo heroics. Or Romoics for short.

  5. AnonyMOOSE

    September 24, 2014 at 4:46 pm

    Meh. Couldve been better.

    • Maverick Mopete

      September 24, 2014 at 4:52 pm

      Meh. Could’ve been worse.

      • MOIST

        September 24, 2014 at 9:07 pm

        Meh. Could’ve been MOISTER

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