INTERCEPTED TEXT: Tom Brady Needs A Favor From Aaron Rodgers

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Updated: November 26, 2014

TOM BRADY AARON RODGERS TEXTLESS

Verizon

2:11 pm
72%

TOM BRADY

YO, ROGERS!

What do you want?

A wake up call for 8:30, a breakfast of Eggs Benedict, and three boxes of flavored Magnum condoms.

What?

Sorry, sorry. Let me start at the beginning.

I need to crash at your house while my Patriots are in town to whip your Packers.

And while I’m there, I need you to give me an 8:30 wake up call, a breakfast of Eggs Benedict, and three boxes of flavored Magnum condoms.

No. Definitely not.

Okay, fine. Unflavored Magnums then.

NO TO ALL OF IT. You are NOT sleeping at my place.

Stay at whatever hotel your stupid team is renting.

No can do. They have me rooming with Vince Wilfork. That dude snores like a Seahawks home crowd.

That’s why I need to stay at your pad. In the master bedroom, preferably.

I SAID NO.

Damn, bruh, why you getting all uptight on me? Just let me crash with you. I don’t care what dudes you bring home to bang.

Oh, here we go again.

I am NOT… repeat NOT gay. That was just a false rumor someone started over a year ago. STOP CALLING ME GAY.

Whoa, whoa, whoa there Sally, don't get all homophobic on me.

I am NOT homophobic. I have nothing against gay people.

I just don't happen to be gay myself, is all.

Look broseph. I have no problem with gay guys.

I’m pretty sure that Rob Gronkowski is gay, and it’s never bothered me one bit.

What? Rob Gronkowski isn’t gay.

He isn't? How do you know?

Well, it’s pretty obvious in the way that he…

IT'S BECAUSE OF THAT MAGICAL
"GAY-DAR," ALL YOU HOMOSEXUALS HAVE, ISN'T IT?

HA! You just outed yourself, Rogers.

I am not gay.

Also, you keep spelling my name wrong. It’s Rodgers, not Rogers.

So you’re saying you want me to put the “D” in you?

Sigh.

You totally set me up for that, didn’t you?

Little bit, yeah.

Anyway, I don’t know where the gay neighborhood is in Green Bay, so text me directions to your place when you can.

YOU’RE NOT STAYING WITH ME.

WHY NOT? Think of how convenient it will be for all of us!

“All of us?”

You, me, and your girlfriend, Olivia What’s-Her-Name.

That would be Olivia Munn.

Yeah, her. After I beat you in the game, I can bang her in the master bedroom at your place.

Then when I’m done, she can join you on the couch to listen to Cher, or whatever it is you two do instead of having sex.

First of all, if you were staying at my place…

…WHICH YOU’RE NOT…

you would be the one sleeping on the couch, and I would be in the master bedroom.

And secondly, YOU ARE DEFINITELY NOT HAVING SEX WITH OLIVIA!!!!

Jeez, calm down, Miss Thang. I assumed you’d be grateful for the offer.

I don’t know how much standard “beard” rates are these days, but however much you’re paying this girl, it’s not enough.

So I thought this could be a nice tip to give her.

Brady…

GET IT? “TIP?”

Brady, you’re not staying at my place or sleeping with my girl. Piss off.

Look bro, I hate to pull rank here, but as the hottest quarterback in the NFL …

STOP RIGHT THERE. I AM THE HOTTEST QB IN THE NFL.

You misspelled “swishiest.”

Anyway, as the hottest QB in the NFL, the league guarantees me the right to commandeer any other player’s house whenever I want.

That's not in the NFL rulebook.

It’s an unspoken rule. Like “No tackling of handsome QBs” or “Fuck the Jets.”

Get lost, Brady.

PLEASE LET ME CRASH WITH YOU. I’ll even feed your Pomeranian.

My what?

Isn’t that the kind of little frou-frou dogs all you gay guys carry in your purse?

STILL NOT GAY.

Oh, just admit it, gaybro. It's time to come out of this cheese–closet you’ve trapped yourself in.

It’s only fair to what’s-her-name, Olivia Wilde.

Olivia Wilde is the actress that used to be on “House M.D.”

Olivia Newton John?

That’s the former pop singer from the 80’s.

Olivia Oyl?

That’s Popeye’s girlfriend.

Olivia MUNN is the wonderful woman I date, and you will NEVER see her naked because you will NEVER sleep at my house.

Okay, fine. Be that way,

And to think I was going to repay you by sneaking you some nude photos of Darrelle Revis in the shower.

I DO NOT WANT NUDE PHOTOS OF DARRELLE REVIS.

Or, so you’re not attracted to black dudes? THAT’S RACIST.

Worse, it’s GAY-CIST.

DIE.

Leave a Reply

5 Comments

  1. ACW

    December 1, 2014 at 11:23 am

    So, um, does Rodgers get to bang Gisele now?

    • PFM Comments

      January 21, 2015 at 3:14 pm

      I don’t think Rodgers wants to do that.

  2. PFM Comments

    November 28, 2014 at 12:34 am

    I’m actually surprised Brady didn’t ask to sleep with Rodgers.

  3. Vinniejt

    November 26, 2014 at 12:07 pm

  4. Ben_Roethlisberger

    November 26, 2014 at 11:59 am

    IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE AARON RODGERS IS GAY

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