INTERCEPTED TEXT: Tom Brady Gives Some Advice to Tim Tebow

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Updated: June 24, 2013

TOM BRADY TIM TEBOW FEATURED IMAGE no text 400w

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5:23 PM
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Tom Brady

Hey Church Boy.

HI THOMAS!!!!

So, let’s review what I taught you today in practice.

Okie-dokey!

And Thomas, again, I am SO GRATEFUL to you for taking this time to mentor me.

Yeah well, coach says I gotta help “develop” you. So that’s what I’ll do.

Bless your heart!

You remember what I’ve taught you so far?

YES! That I need to keep my “Wrongs And Negatives Grade” as low as possible.

That’s right. So did you keep your Wrongs And Negatives Grade low today?

Sure did! I HAVE THE SMALLEST W.A.N.G. ON THE TEAM!!!!

YEAH YA DO!

NO ONE ON THE PATRIOTS HAS A SMALLER WANG THAN ME!

That’s great. But you should aim higher than just our team.

You’re right. BY THE GRACE OF GOD, I VOW TO HAVE THE TEENIEST, TINIEST LITTLE WANG IN THE WHOLE DARN NFL!!!!

THAT’S THE SPIRIT.

Thomas, you are so kind to help me like this.

The pleasure is all mine, trust me.

Now do you remember what else I taught you?

That I should be detail oriented! Pay attention to everything, and take lots of organized notes.

Exactly. And why should you do that?

Because I want to be the most anal player I can be?

SAY IT LOUDER!

I WANT TO BE ANAL! ANAL! ANAL!

That’s right. You’re gonna let the spirit of organization and efficiency flow right through you, right?

YES! YES! I WANT TO BE SO ANAL THAT I CAN FEEL IT DEEP, DEEP INSIDE OF ME!

PRETTY SOON, THEY’LL BE CALLING ME TIM TEBOW, THE KING OF ANAL!!!

If I can help it, they sure will.

Thank the Lord I have such a generous teacher as you.

Hey, anything for a teammate, bud. After all, there’s going to be LOTS of competition for roster spots during training camp.

Gosh! What do you think I need to do to secure my spot on the team?

Well, first of all, you might have to beat off the 3 or 4 other QBs vying for backup roles.

Then I will, Thomas, I will. I’LL BEAT OFF AS MANY QUARTERBACKS AS I HAVE TO!!!

But it won’t just be QBs competing for your roster spot. There’s gonna be DBs, linemen, kickers, WRs. Lots of players.

I’LL BEAT THEM ALL OFF!!! I’LL BEAT OFF THE WHOLE DARN TEAM IF I HAVE TO!!!!

I’m so proud of how well you’ve learned your lessons.

You know Thomas, I have to confess: there was a time that I thought that maybe you didn’t like me.

(gasp) What? You’re my boy. Of COURSE I like you. Why else would I share the “secret quarterback audible code sheet” with you?

Oh, and I do appreciate it so much, truly.

Though I admit that some of these codes seem awfully complicated.

Nonsense. They’re easy. Here, let’s try a pop quiz:

It’s 3rd and long, and the defense is showing a corner blitz. So what do you yell to the slot receiver?

Um, “Hey big boy, I sure would love you to toss my salad.”

EXACTLY. That tells him to run a slant straight across the middle.

I still don’t understand the reference though.

It’s old quarterback jargon. Don’t worry about it. Now suppose you’re at the line, and the middle linebacker’s covering your TE. What’s the audible?

I know this. It’s that goat one.

You have to say it so I know you’ve learned it properly.

I love to blow goats.

YOU HAVE TO SAY IT LOUD. SO THEY CAN HEAR YOU IN OPPOSING STADIUMS!

I LOVE TO BLOW GOATS! I LOVE TO BLOW GOATS!

See, that tells your line to shift to a zone blocking scheme.

Okay, I guess. But what I really don’t understand is that one you told me to yell when the clock’s winding down at the end of the half.

What’s not to understand? It’s a simple code.

Yes, but is yelling at the top of my lungs, “I’m a bust of a first round draft choice, my career at the University of Florida was a joke, my Heisman Trophy should be melted down and forged into cock rings, I have a limp dick of an arm, and in my spare time I like to gargle used douchewater” really the best way for me to call time out?

Hey, that code was passed down from Red Grange to Sammy Baugh to Johnny Unitas. What, you think you’re better than those Hall of Famers?

No, of course not. It’s just that it seems, you know, kind of specific.

SAY IT.

Sigh.

I’M A BUST OF A FIRST ROUND DRAFT CHOICE, MY CAREER AT THE UNIVERSITY OF FLORIDA WAS A JOKE, MY HEISMAN TROPHY SHOULD BE MELTED DOWN AND FORGED INTO COCK RINGS, I HAVE A LIMP DICK OF AN ARM AND IN MY SPARE TIME I LIKE TO GARGLE USED DOUCHEWATER!

Yep. That is the PERFECT way for you to call time out in our next game.

How can I ever thank you for this Thomas?

Believe me, just hearing you using these tips at our next game will be all the thanks I need. Especially if it’s nationally televised.

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One Comment

  1. Anonymous

    September 20, 2013 at 8:28 am

    haha funny joke but of course not real

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