INTERCEPTED TEXT: Tom Brady and Brandon Weeden Discuss the “Wife” Rule

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Updated: December 4, 2013

TOM BRADY BRANDON WEEDEN FEATURED IMAGE 475

AT&T

11:40
65%

TOM BRADY

WHO IS SHE?!

Hi Tom.

Don’t “Hi Tom” me, you geriatric failure factory. I asked you a question. WHO IS SHE?!

Sigh. Who are you talking about?

I was getting ready for my Patriots game this Sunday against your pathetic Browns with my usual mid-week preparation:

Googling your name to see if I could find any photoshopped images of you blowing a large farm animal to scotch tape around the visitor’s locker room.

And that’s when I found THIS picture:

THIS DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE. AN ATTRACTIVE FEMALE? TOUCHING YOU?

WHO IS SHE? YOUR SISTER? YOUR COUSIN?

No.

Then she’s obviously your personal QB coach, right? That explains why she’s next to you, AND why you throw the way you do.

No Tom. That’s my wife, Melanie.

BULLSHIT. HOW COULD A RED HEADED TROLL DOLL LIKE YOU MARRY A BABE LIKE THAT?

Well, we started dating in college. It’s a cute story actually…

SHUT UP. THERE’S NO WAY A LOVELY LITTLE HONEY LIKE THAT LETS YOU SEE HER NAKED.

Why is it so hard to believe?

Because she looks like this:

And you look like this:

I wore that outfit for the 4th of July. It was kind of a joke to…

THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE. You’re a repulsive, slug-like creature of a man. No attractive human should be in the same room as you, much less marry you.

Did you text me just to insult me?

YES. So quit interrupting.

Now, disappointed as I am that this fair creature married outside her species, there is an upside here:

Do you have a copy of the official NFL Rules and Regulations Handbook?

I do, actually. They give it to us in training camp to study…

IF I WANTED YOUR LIFE STORY, I’D CHECK OUT YOUR AUTOBIOGRAPHY FROM THE “ANCIENT HISTORY” SECTION OF THE LIBRARY

I’m 6 years younger than you, you know.

SHUT UP AND GET YOUR COPY OF THE OFFICIAL NFL RULES AND REGULATIONS HANDBOOK.

Okay. I have it right here. So?

Turn to page 89.

Okay.

Skim down to the third sentence of the fifth paragraph.

Okay.

Do you see where it says, “Whenever a QB with a hot wife, girlfriend, sister, or mom loses an NFL game to Tom Brady, then Tom Brady gets to bang said wife, girlfriend, sister, or mom any time he wants, as often as he wants, in the orifice of his choosing?”

Um, no. That’s not written anywhere.

THAT’S BECAUSE IT’S AN UNWRITTEN RULE.

So bring Madeline to the game on Sunday, and tell her to wear something tight, low cut, and easily rippable.

Her name is Melanie.

I’LL DECIDE WHAT HER NAME IS.

You said this stupid rule only applies if your team wins the game. What if WE win?

Then the rivers run red with blood and the mountains crumble into the sea. At least, according to Revelations 28:12.

There are only 22 chapters in the Book of Revelations.

WRONG. I had the Pope write me up a bunch of extra ones in exchange for letting him kiss my rings.

Tom, I might not even play in this game. I'm still recovering from a concussion.

Lucky you. You'll be spared the memory of watching your wife throw herself into my arms while you stand there holding your pud.

Look Brady, win or lose, you are NOT going to sleep with my wife.

“Sleep?” No, we won’t be sleeping.

Grunting, sweating, and in her case, purring, yes. But not sleeping.

MY WIFE IS MY BEST FRIEND AND SOULMATE. SHE IS LOYAL TO ME, AND TO THE BROWNS.

Oh, that reminds me: tell her to wear a New England Patriots T-shirt. I don’t want to be seen next to any chick wearing some ugly Browns top.

My wife is NOT going to wear a Patriots shirt.

You know what? Never mind. Let her wear the Cleveland shirt. After we're done later, the shredded pieces will make nice rags for cleanup.

STOP TALKING ABOUT RIPPING OFF MY WIFE'S CLOTHES.

Hey, if it makes you feel any better, I'll pay her the equivalent of one's year's worth of your Browns salary for the evening.

MY WIFE IS NOT A PROSTITUTE YOU... wait, what?

You'll pay her $2,020,899 just for one night of sex?

No, I'm going to pay her the equivalent of your salary with the Browns for NEXT season. You know: $0,000,000.

DIE PAINFULLY, BRADY.

Leave a Reply

18 Comments

  1. Anonymous

    January 1, 2014 at 2:12 am

    Lines through the bubbles for me too

  2. Ben

    December 17, 2013 at 10:30 pm

    YOU SEE, WEEDEN IS UGLY.

  3. Allen

    December 14, 2013 at 8:48 am

    Anyone who doesn’t think that this is funny either a) doesn’t have a pulse or b) had their sense of humor removed when they lost their testicles

  4. Anonymous

    December 9, 2013 at 8:53 pm

    No, I’m going to pay her the equivalent of your salary with the Browns for NEXT season. You know: $0,000,000.

    Best part right there.

  5. cheese

    December 9, 2013 at 7:19 pm

    Wow we were close to the world ending. Thank God the Cheatriots paid off the refs!

  6. Chrth

    December 9, 2013 at 4:51 am

    eggfone?

  7. Robot

    December 9, 2013 at 1:42 am

    pff… well maybe it’s because ios is a shitty os and the eggfone is a shitty phone…

  8. Chrth

    December 8, 2013 at 1:47 pm

    Well crap, looks like the refs wanted to avoid the apocalypse after all.

  9. Chrth

    December 8, 2013 at 1:17 pm

    Well crap, looks like “the rivers run red with blood and the mountains crumble into the sea” is in the forecast

  10. PFM Staff

    December 8, 2013 at 1:25 am

    Sorry to hear you’re having issues with the intercepted texts, Anonymous. Anyone else seeing the lines on the blue boxes? When I view the texts on my iPhone, they look fine.

  11. Anonymous

    December 7, 2013 at 12:32 pm

    Great as alwyas. Not being rude, but when i read it on my iPhone, the blue boxes have a lines through them, and neither of them are bubbles, they have jagged strait lines. This has only happened on the ones with iOS7. The other ones were fine

  12. Anonymous

    December 6, 2013 at 4:28 pm

    lololol another great one

  13. Anonymous

    December 5, 2013 at 8:31 am

    So when does it get funny? Actually, fuck, I’d settle for mildly amusing. Shit looks like it was written by a 12 year old that just found out that sex is a thing…

  14. Anonymous

    December 4, 2013 at 10:37 am

    AnonS, which one was that?

  15. Anonymous

    December 4, 2013 at 8:32 am

    I thought the rule was when a team loses on their home field you get to sleep with their WAG.

  16. AnonS

    December 4, 2013 at 8:22 am

    I’d like the Brady and Tannehil one too, with Incongnito stepping in for Tannehil to bully Brady around. Brady is what, 180 lbs with all his gear on? lol

  17. Anonymous

    December 4, 2013 at 6:58 am

    I sure hope this author has a good attorney! This stuff is MESSED UP!

  18. Anonymous

    December 4, 2013 at 6:51 am

    I would like to have intercepted tax between Brady and Tannehil as both of them are in same division.

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